Today is Friday the 13th. This does not disturb us. We are not superstitious. Black cats? Yes, please. We’re not walking under any ladders because we don’t have anything to do with ladders, no matter what day it is. We’re even happy to have 13 people to dinner, so long as there’s dessert. We just don’t believe in bad luck. Although, maybe we should reconsider this. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could just wave some sage around, chant a few words, and good stuff would happen? If that worked, the first thing we’d do is chant for some lottery winnings. Every day spent in our day-jobs makes us pine more desperately for our book store. These five things made it better for us this week. Hopefully they work for you, too.
1. Go, go Godzilla. We’re huge fans of John OIiver’s Last Week Tonight. Sunday he was discussing the latest social issue in America regarding the removal of Confederate statues. He suggested that maybe we should get some statues of Godzilla to replace them. We were immediately intrigued. We think that would be awesome. There are simply not enough statues of nuclear-born monsters in this world. Wouldn’t that be fabulous? We love Godzilla and we think someone should start a Go Fund Me account. We’d totally contribute. We should put on the South Lawn of the White House. Have it look directly in the windows.
2. Russell Brand. Turns out Russell is hot. We know what you’re thinking. He’s not hot; he’s annoying. That’s what we always assumed, anyway. Amylynn was completely ready to be royally irritated. It doesn’t take much to irk her anyway. Ava knows this and purposely engages people that she knows will rankle Amylynn. She’s a sadist. Anyway, Russell was on Bill Maher last week and he was a revelation. Besides the fact that he’s got crazy/beautiful hair that would qualify him to appear on Versailles, he’s smart. Really smart. He goes a million miles an hour which would be totally exhausting to hang around with, but he’s also shockingly intelligent. Bill offhandedly asked him to define gerrymandering and much to everyone’s surprise, Russell gave a text-book definition right off the cuff. That qualifies him as Sister Crush-Worthy. We totally get it Katy Perry.
3. We need a puppy! Somehow we’re living our lives wrong. We tell everyone we meet that we want a puppy. That has done us absolutely no good whatsoever. Vladimir Putin on the other hand is gifted a damn puppy every time he turns around. Just this week he got his third gift of a puppy. This time a Central Asian shepherd from Turkmenistan. He’s already received two other puppies – a Bulgarian Shepherd from, you guessed it, Bulgaria and an Akita from Japan. All of this because he’s mentioned that he likes dogs. We’re not kidding when we tell you everyone we know is aware that we need a puppy and we get NOTHING. And the real kick in the ass here? He gave them stupid names. Verny, Buffy and Yume. He’s a moron. So unfair.
4. None of them are ever fat. The North American Wife Carrying Championships were held recently in Maine and the winners this year are Jake and Kirsten Barney from Virginia. In case you’re unaware, this is a race wherein the husband totes the wife through an obstacle course. If you think that sounds absurd, then you should be made aware that the Barney’s won fives-times Kirsten’s weight – $630 – and 12 cases of beer.
So there’s that. We remember a time when we were 126 pounds. We did not allow ourselves to be carried for beer. Now if there’d been a puppy in the offing…
5. Steph Laberis, again. Remember a while ago when Amylynn bragged about the charming kitty print she’d bought from this artist the Sisters loved? We’d been searching and searching for where to buy more of her work and we hadn’t been successful. And then there was a horrible fire that ravaged California and Steph Laberis posted on Facebook how she was selling signed prints and all of the money was going to a relief fund. With a squeal that could probably be heard all the way to California, Amylynn popped over to her site and there were several of the prints we’ve been dying for. We bought them all. ALL. We’re good humans for contributing to the cause and we got the prints we wanted. Honestly, it’s like Christmas. We even got some prints for people for Christmas. Maybe we’re living right after all. It’d be better with a puppy.
Well, didn’t this week seriously, seriously suck. We were completely stunned by Vegas – kinda numb which is a truly awful thing to admit, but lately it just seems like there have been so many of these tragedies. And then Tom Petty died and, well, shit. Everyone go fetch a puppy or a kitten and come with us. We’re going to hole up in a big comfortable bed, watch reruns of anything we can find on television, and eat terribly unhealthy food. After all the abuse the universe has heaped on us for the last month or so, we all deserve to feel sorry for ourselves for a bit. Come on. We just changed the sheets. Otherwise, here’s some things to get you through. You’ll understand how we only came up with 4.
1. He’s probably got excellent vision. You’re never going to believe any part of this story. The whole this is so very, very odd. Come along with us on a magical ride. There are people in this world who are able to grow things – you know, plants and vegetables. The only thing the Sisters can grow are pets and children. But there is a dude, nay a wizard, in Minnesota who calls himself Chris Qualley. Chris grows carrots. Extraordinary carrots. This latest one is in the Guinness Book of World Records as coming in at 22.4 pounds. Amylynn would like it noted that the carrot is in fact bigger than her cat, but just barely. If you want to learn more you can go to the Carrot Museum on line and be educated. Seriously. There’s a carrot museum. The Sisters couldn’t care less about the hows and whys of this horticulture snoozefest. Hey Chris – as soon as you turn it into a carrot cake you be sure to let us know. We care about carrot cake a whole lot.
2. Let us know when you make a Kraken. We’ve mentioned before how much we love jewelry. Heck – we’ve even admitted that if there’s a zombie apocalypse the first place we’re going is Tiffany’s flagship in NYC. There’s no reason you can’t wear diamonds while macheteing the walking dead. We also love glossy magazines because, among other fabulous things, they’re often filled with spectacular jewelry ads. Ads where the jewelry is so freaking expensive that they won’t even list the value – “price available upon request” they say. That’s hoity-toity for “you can’t afford it”. Ava found this in the latest issue of Elle Décor. This beauteous item is by Van Cleef and Arpels. There is a whole glittery collection inspired by Noah’s Ark. We’re not sure about that title since, as far as we’re aware, no unicorns, Pegasus, or phoenixes made it on the Ark. Maybe they should make a Loch Ness
Monster or a Big Foot and call it the Mythical Ark. We should get a discount for all of these good ideas. Call us.
3. Oh the hair… We discussed this one before in the Five Favorite Things, but it’s back and worth another mention. If you’re not watching the Ovation series Versailles you’re doing yourself a serious disservice. This show is unbelievable. It’s all about Louis XIV, the Sun King, who built the palace Versailles. Well of course HE didn’t build it but we’re not in the mood to argue semantics. The show is actually filmed at the palace so all the gorgeous sets are real. The costumes make a person want to weep they’re so lovely and expensive. The acting is phenomenal and the story incredibly gripping all the more so because this shit actually happened. Several times in season one we had to look stuff up because it seemed too fantastic to be true. Season two just started. Go watch season one – there aren’t that many episodes so you can get caught up quickly. You’ll be thankful you did. Also, we want you to know the actors playing the royal brothers are scrumptious.
4. Free advertising. The Bright children demanded new water bottles. We live in the desert and water bottles are a very serious matter. V.e.r.y. s.e.r.i.o.u.s. It’s practically a state law here – you can’t leave your house without water. Ava always forgets. Ava is lucky to leave the house everyday with the essentials ie; herself and her purse. Anyway, the new water bottles are called Hydro Flasks. They keep ice and water cold for up to 72 hours. And by goodness, they really do. You don’t truly know joy until you take a sip of icy cold water on a 110 degree day. You know how you buy stuff all the time and the product never quite lives up to the advertising? Not so with the Hydro Flask. It really works. The problem (Isn’t there always a problem?), is the price. These things cost $900.00 dollars each. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. They cost around $40.00 and on up each depending on the kind, size, personalization, etc. No one should pay $40.00 for a water bottle unless you live in the desert and than it’s okay. At least according to the Bright children.
Thank Zeus September is over. That month was way longer than was necessary. You ever notice how that happens? If you want to see something really horrifying take a look at a calendar and notice how close we are to Christmas. How the hell did that happen? It’s like we weren’t watching and it crept up on us. Prepare your wallet. That’s why we need the Five Favorite Things. When stuff is sneaking up on you and you’re getting mired up in September you need to be on the look out for absurd things to keep you going. Here’s what we found this week.
1. Officer Boris. Amylynn is in charge of finding speakers for our local chapter of Romance Writers of America. Every year we do a panel of dangerous jobs. This year Amy rounded up some Search and Rescue people as well as an officer from our local police department in charge of the canine unit. She absolutely insisted that he bring his canine partner. Holy Moly was this dog cute. We know you have an impression that police dogs are scary, but, in the case of Boris, that was totally not true. It’s possible that we would have a different impression of him if we were criminals and he was actively biting us. Nevertheless, when Boris is just being a doggy, he’s freaking adorable! He climbed in our laps and showed us his favorite toy. Cutie patootie.
2. Patron Saint of Pajamas. Hugh Hefner died. If anyone ever lived their life to the fullest, we’d guess it was him. The boy who lived at Ava’s house but who is currently in college considers Hugh a genius of style. At the very least he provided the inspiration for the young man’s plan to live the rest of his life in silk pajamas and velvet robes. That’s really all the style points we can give him because that mansion of his was pretty awful. And the grotto? No thank you! We understand he spent an exorbitant amount of money to get the crypt next to Marilyn Monroe. We’re not sure how we feel about that exactly. We kinda hope Marilyn haunts him in the afterlife.
3. Hopefully they take checks. We love these stories when they come up. Someone in Massachusetts was digging around in their friend’s basement and found a library book that was a bit overdue. He returned it to the library who thought it was awesome. The due date stamped on the inside was November 11, 1938. We don’t know anything about the book – “The Young Lady at Home,” by T.S. Arthur. We wonder what the original borrower thought of it? Was it so good he wanted to reread it? Did he lose it? We imagine he misplaced it and found it in December 1938, but he was he too terrified of the librarian to return it. By the way, the fine now is $2,800. That book can’t be that good.
4. Not that Ava would take them up on it. Congratulations to the women of Saudi Arabia! The King has decreed that for the first time in 27 years women will be allowed to drive. Obviously, this is a huge gain for women’s rights and for their individual freedoms. It’s a baby step as they’ll still require their husband or father’s permission to purchase a car, but it’s still a step. We have a few tips for you. Get yourself some oven mitts. We live in the desert too and that steering wheel can get wicked hot. Also, DO NOT allow your children to eat
in the car – not even once. You’ll never get the goldfish cracker residue from your upholstery. Your Sisters in the US are happy for you. Here’s to midnight ice cream runs, ladies!
5. Just Desserts. As you may have read in this blog, the Sisters work in the mortgage industry. Every year, the Women’s Council of Realtors has a charity auction. It’s brilliant because it only includes cake – homemade, bakery, restaurant – cake from everywhere! This year there were over 100 cakes auctioned off and the charity made a boatload of money. Some of the cakes went for $600.00 and higher. A lot of the winners share their prize right there at the auction, plates are provided on all of the tables. The Sisters ate so much cake they can’t even look at it right now. We won’t need more dessert until at least Thursday.
I work in a nine-story building and work on the fifth floor. When I came to work here I thought, “Excellent! I’ll take the stairs and lose some weight!” Good plan, right? Yep. I felt like an Olympian in training. I had all these excellent intentions. Things were gonna work out!
On my way to lunch that first week, I trotted down the stairs. I do that a lot. Go down the stairs because, you know, DOWN. The first time I attempted to climb UP the stairs it ended poorly. I gave myself a pep talk as I walked across the parking lot. This was going to be good. It would only really suck for the first couple of weeks and then my endurance would build and I’d be practically racing up those stairs like Rocky. Yes indeedy!
So, I opened the gray industrial fire door that weighs 7,000 pounds and heaved my chubby little self up the 90 individual stairs to my office. The plan was when I got to my floor I’d sneak into our suite through the back door closest to my office, shut my door, and silently die on the floor so no one would see me.
That is not what happened.
I used the bannister to drag myself up the last few stairs, panted on the landing, and then grasped the door handle. It didn’t budge and it wasn’t because I was now too weak to open the 7,000 pound gray industrial fire door. No, the god damned thing was locked.
Imagine the scene if you will: an empty stairwell, a breathless woman trudging her way back down the stairs, sobbing the whole while. I was a pathetic sight, I’m certain.
So the elevator it is.
Today, I ran out to grab some nice healthy lunch. On my way back I eschewed the stairwell because, you know, fool me once… And I got into the elevator with several other people from my building. We rose to the third floor and several people got out leaving me and one other gentleman alone. The doors closed. Then nothing. Literally nothing.
For at least forty-five of the longest seconds EVER that box of death hung there doing nothing. I looked at the man who was surely going to be sharing an obituary with me later and he also appeared concerned. Then all of a sudden our deathtrap jerked to life and shot us up two floors to the fifth like a flying chicken from the Muppets
I’d rather be stuck than catapulted. At least I could have seated myself on the floor, eaten my wrap, drank my flavored water, and read my book until the firemen showed up. I’d have been content for hours so long as the other guy wasn’t a panicky sort. Or at least I would have been until I had to pee. Then things might have escalated.
Speaking of escalators…Can we get one of those?
Today is the first day of autumn. Wahooo! It was still 91 degrees here, today, at lunch time. But hey, that’s not 110. Thus we woke up this morning with hope in our hearts. This is actually going to happen. Bring on the fall! We’re just dying to put on a sweater. Or some socks. One of our favorite things about colder weather is that the cats get super cuddly. In the throes of summer, they don’t want to sit on you any more than you want them to do so. Living with cat hair is one thing. Having it stick to your sweat is another thing entirely. In a different autumnal theme, we’re not interested in pumpkin spice anything. Except maybe cheesecake. We’ll take cheesecake in any flavor. Except asparagus. That’s revolting. We haven’t tried it or anything, we’re just extrapolating from experience. Anyway, here’s some things to make you say, HA!
1. The Phoenix Zoo baby. There’s a new tiny baby at the Phoenix Zoo. We use “tiny” in the most basic sense to illicit an appropriate “awww” from you because this baby was very, very tall. She is of course a baby giraffe and she is quite adorable even if she does have very big knees. We think giraffes are super cute, but we generally find most animals cute. The thing about giraffes is that they’re relatively safe from us since stealing one would take a serious amount of work. It’s not like you can scale the wall and tuck one in your purse – not even a really, REALLY big purse – and walk
out of the zoo. We are very intrigued by that Direct TV commercial that had the miniature giraffe on it. We would get ourselves one of those for sure.
2. Madame L’Oreal. The richest woman in the world died this week. Liliane Bettencourt, the 94-year-old make-up icon passed away possessing what both Forbes and Bloomberg estimate to be 44 billion dollars in assets. How many zeros is that, you ask. 44,000.000.000. Nine. Nine zeros. While reading about her we discovered that she lost 22million to Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. That’s not even a drop in her bucket. GADS! Also, there was a massive scandal involving her being bilked out of approximately 1 billion in art, cash, insurance policies and probably anything else of value by a con man playing a very long game. Can you imagine? Being bilked out of a BILLION dollars and still being financially secure? We couldn’t get bilked out of $100 without a nervous breakdown.
We’ve been looking for an angel investor to make our bookstore dream a reality. So – hey – heirs to the L’Oreal fortune – $5M is only a drop in your bucket when you look at the big picture. It’s only six zeros. You wouldn’t believe how grateful we’d be.
3. Speaking of massive wealth. We’ve been looking for a country to ex-patriot ourselves to. New Zealand was a contender for a long time. Hobbits have a certain appeal. Sweden was bandied about. Even Panama if we were looking for a warmer clime. However, we think we’ve landed on Norway. What pushed us over the edge was the news that the country created a “sovereign wealth fund” twenty years ago, investing oil and gas profits into a fund. This week it was revealed that this fund is now at 1TRILLION dollars. Sweet baby Odin, that’s 12 zeros. TWELVE. That’s tolv in Norwegian. We figure we’re going to need to learn the language. This fund is dedicated to making sure that the future generations of Norwegians have secure pensions when they retire. You should probably learn Norwegian, too. On another little note – according to the United Nations report, Norway is the happiest country on Earth. And Norwegian Forest Cats come from…
4. You’ve wondered and now you can know. We found this app created by The Oatmeal. If you’re unfamiliar, The Oatmeal is a really funny comedy blog that you need to visit immediately – after you’re done on our blog. We’re huge fans. Jojo Kitty even wears an orange collar from the Kitty Convict Project. Anyway, The Oatmeal cares about us cat owners thus this app was born. It’s a series of questions that become alarmingly clear that your cat is scarier than you thought. It turns out that Jojo Kitty has only a 64% chance that he’s trying to kill us but Quentin came up at 100%. Honestly, we’re not surprised about either of those results. Jojo is waaaay too lazy to be plotting anything. Quentin on the other hand, that cat just wants to watch the world burn. He might have learned some bad habits while in prison. I don’t know. All we’re saying is that you should get the app and be aware. Not that we’re going to do anything about it. We’re blindly stupid when it comes to our furry children.
5. A shot in the dark. Crazy stuff always happens to the Sisters. As proof, we submit the following: Ava was shot last night by a glass bottle. Recently, she has been drinking something called Kombucha. It’s a fermented beverage that is supposed to have many health benefits. But don’t let anyone lie to you, no matter what flavor it purports to be on the label, it will taste like pickle juice. You also shouldn’t shake it. Anyhoo, Ava bought a few bottles yesterday and put them in her car after work while she went to the hair dresser. When she got home, she took the bag out of the back seat and headed for the mailbox. Halfway there was an extremely loud pop, like a gun shot. It was so loud, Ava’s children and three neighbors came outside. What they found was a stunned Ava, blood and glass everywhere. One of the bottles had exploded! This story doesn’t actually sound funny, but it really is when Ava tells it. Consider inviting her over for a coffee and an actual reenactment. Make her show you how she almost fainted.
We’re half way through September and it’s still a million degrees outside. We stare longingly at the pile of sweaters we won’t be able to wear for at least another month. It’s a bit disheartening. But, at least we’re not flooded. Our friend Kurt would be proud of us for coming up with something not to complain about when it comes to weather. He knows just how much we love to complain about the weather. Actually, complaining about stuff in general. Right now, the biggest complaint is due to the Sisters lack of proximity to each other. Working on opposite side’s of the city does not afford us many opportunities to lunch together. We hate it. The world would be a much more tolerable place if we were back together more often. Thank Zeus there’s these five things to keep us distracted.
1. It’s a zoo! So the Arkansas Game and Fish happened upon a barn housing seven tigers, six lions and one leopard. They went there on an anonymous tip. All of the animals were in good health. No one got into any trouble because their owner, a man from England, had all the proper papers. This gave the sisters pause. Are you telling us there are proper papers to be had? That’s all we need? Where does one get these papers? Surely there’s somewhere on the internet we can get them. Or maybe at the office supply store where they sell the do-it-yourself divorce kits. How complicated can it be? Maybe this is the call we’ve been waiting for to become familiar with the black web.
2. Something’s up in Vermont. The police are looking for a man who ran into a sporting goods store and stole an airsoft rifle. That doesn’t seem like that big a deal. Certainly not necessarily something that would pique the interest of the Sisters, you’d think, right? Wrong. Seems this fellow was wearing a panda suit. Don’t you think that’d be strange enough, if a person came into a store wearing a panda suit? Honestly, that should set some alarm bells ringing. One can assume some shenanigans are afoot. Also, it should be noted that if a person is shot with an airsoft rifle it would hurt a lot less if you’re wearing a panda suit. Not that we know this from experience.
3. Steph Laberis. Amylynn bought this print by Steph Labris, a completely delightful artist, while she was in Disneyland this summer. This is the spookily accurate representation of living in the Bright house with Quentin. It’s like she’s met the Velvet Menace and spent some quality time with him. The Sisters are just in love with her art – you can see a bunch of it here on her Deviant Art page. We’re looking for a few specific other pieces by her as well, but she’s hard to locate. Steph – if you read this we’re convinced that you’re an Honorary Quill Sister based on your Panda picture alone. Everything you do is adorable. Please let us know where we can find your work. Also, if you’ll accept a
commission for a portrait of Jojo Kitty, the handsomest cat in all the land. Love – your Sisters.
4. Edward Thomas Hardy. One of our favorite actors turned forty yesterday. We should all take a moment to take in the glory of Tom. Not only does he look like this…sigh. But he’s also one hell of an actor. If you’re not familiar with his work and you’re in the mood for something serious, we recommend Wuthering Heights, The Revenant, Inception. If you looking for something romantic and charming go for This Means War. If action is what you’re looking for there’s The Dark Knight Rises and Mad Max Fury Road. But if you want to see the best movie he’s ever done – an amazing film in both story telling and directing. The entire cast is phenomenal. Check it out. Warrior. You won’t be sorry.
5. The Glories of Mortgage Lending. The Sisters often joke about leaving the glories of mortgage lending behind to do something else. Truthfully, anything else. However, and this is true, the Sisters do learn something new almost everyday at their jobs. For example, one of them had to find out how much round portable animal pen panels with gates cost, used ($1200.00). They also know what Dorper Sheep are and what part of the country they hail from (Texas). It also turns out, you can’t get a mortgage if you own a marijuana farm but you can if you only work there. We suggest you don’t play Trivial Pursuit with us.
I made dinner tonight. First let me state, right now at the beginning, that no one (else) got hurt or sick. Also, The only thing that got burned was my thumb.
To those of you who are new to the blog, I am not the primary cook in this house and everyone is grateful. Except My Honey, but he also knows that he’s way better at it than me. When I make dinner, you can almost guarantee that something will go wrong. I swear to Zeus I don’t do it on purpose.
Take for example the last time I made a chicken pot pie.
That’s one of the few things I make well. Pie. I’m good at pie. It’s probably because it’s dessert and I LOVE dessert. Somehow or another that transfers over to a savory pot pie.
Last time I made it from scratch just like I always do. I roasted the chicken, made the roux, latticed up the crust. I pulled the glass pie pan from the oven and left it on top of the stove to set and cool a bit while I set the table. It was gorgeous.
I had just set the plates on the table when there was an explosion in the kitchen. I assumed the dogs. Dogs are trouble – especially when they’re tall. Roscoe the Wonder Mutt is a leggy bloodhound who can easily grab things off the counter. I ran to the kitchen but it wasn’t the dogs. It wasn’t even a curious cat.
I had inadvertently set the glass pie pan on a hot burner and it exploded in a million pieces splattering my beautiful pot pie over every inch of the kitchen. It took forever to get it out of all the burners. And off the ceiling. And the cabinets.
I was too furious to cry. I remember we had spaghetti instead. I love spaghetti but it’s no homemade pot pie.
Regardless, I committed to doing it again. Chicken had been on sale at the grocery and we’d stocked up the deep freeze.
I made 100% certain that the burners were all off on the stove. It turned out perfect. This story has no punchline and that’s a damn good thing.
Welcome back! Well, we guess we should welcome ourselves back. We took a break. We’d been at this blog for YEARS and we were just exhausted. And sometimes you’re too busy and/or weary to be funny for other people, ya know? To be honest, and we feel really bad about this actually, we didn’t do much writing at all. We’re feeling much better now, though, and we’re committed to being funny for an audience again. We thought we’d start back with the Five Favorite Things because that was one of our little pet features. The Amy and Ava Show is back for a long engagement. Remember, leave comments to encourage your favorite comedic bloggers.
1. Blue-Eyed dragons. Are you all fans of Game of Thrones? If you aren’t, we don’t know how you manage to avoid it. How can you even follow conversations on Monday mornings? They’re all full of conspiracy theories and manic ravings about incest and murder and white zombies. This show is so fabulous — we can barely contain ourselves. Did we ever tell you about the time we almost got arrested for stalking George R R Martin? It involved the bribe of a Bundt cake. All the best shenanigans involve cake, and we figured George looked like a fellow who’d appreciate two funny and charming women showing up at his house with cake. Maybe one of these days we’ll give you the full scoop. Back to the point. We want a blue-eyed dragon who breathes blue ice-fire. It would come in remarkably handy when one of our nemeses needs a reminder of just exactly who they’re dealing with. Hey – you watchers of the Song of Ice and Fire – what’s your theory on where the hell the Night King got those giant chains to pull that dragon out with. Is there a Home Depot on the other side of the wall or what?
2. We all deserve the shake. Ava was fetching herself some lunch yesterday – alone – because now she and Amylynn work on opposite sides of town and never see each other. This is a tragedy of epic proportions and the universe is all the lessor for it. However, there’s also probably fewer employment opportunities for wait staff and counter help now that they’re not together torturing people as a hobby thus forcing service people to quit their jobs and remand themselves to solitary occupations such as nuns and hermits. While ordering at the counter she over heard this pearl of wisdom from an older lady talking to her granddaughters. “I’m 80-years-old. I’m getting the shake. You’re teenagers. Get the shake.” This woman is our hero. This is also why we’ll always be fat. No matter what your situation, it’ll probably be made better with a shake.
3. September Vogue. Specifically page 662. What the hell is this bullshit? This, dear readers, is the embodiment of the Emperor Has No Clothes allegory. It’s literally a winter coat sewed together with a house muumuu and some fake pink fur. Who would wear this nonsense? Where would you wear it? Like we guess while running around in the fields of Yorkshire in the dead of winter trying to catch your wayward sheep. Amylynn swore she wouldn’t ever wear that ridiculous getup even if offered a lamb as a bribe, but Ava reminded her that the model was paid and that Amylynn should shut up because – lamb or no lamb – if offered money, Amy would wear it. Of course she was right. If you get paid enough money you can buy a lot of lambs. And if the lambs should happen to get poop on your dress, no one would even notice. Or care. Except maybe Prada.
4. How close can we get to the front door? Ava used to be married to a person who refused to valet park. Now she wanders the earth valet parking everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Even when she’s not even going in a restaurant. If a valet comes near her car to park it, she lets them. What’s better than valet parking? Nothing you cry! But you’d be wrong. Because you know what is? Valet parking in the middle of a monsoon! Yup. Ava went out to dinner last night and it started to pour. Out came the valet to the rescue. That kind valet even parked Ava’s car right in front of the restaurant. Thanks, John!
5. Pin the Tail on the Donkey. The Sister’s got an accidental cat. We see you rolling your eyes! Well, it’s true. We had no plans to get another kitty. Well, not a real plan that was going to be executed. It wasn’t like we were lying to ourselves about getting a sixth cat between the two of us. Anyway, the problem isn’t that we now have six cats, the problem is that the new fur baby has no tail. He’s a Manx. That means he has no tail, just a tuft of hair where his tail should be. Amy insists he lost it gambling. Ava can’t pet him right because she always tugs the cat’s tail when she’s done petting it. This cat actually went to college with the oldest Bright child. When the hell did it become okay to bring a cat to college? He is majoring in Catculus. If it had been like that when we were in school – we’d still be there.
A couple of weeks ago I sent a bad email at work – totally on accident, I assure you. It was an email I meant to send to a colleague but accidentally sent to a customer. In this email, I said something fairly unpleasant about that very customer. I freaked out the second AFTER I hit send. Too little too late, right?
I did the thing that pulls the email back if it’s not been read, but I had no way of knowing if it actually worked.
I trotted down the hall and spilled my guts to my manager. I told her everything. She laughed at my misery and tried to tell me it wasn’t so bad and things would be okay.
Then I called my colleague and admitted everything. If there were going to be any repercussions from an angry customer he would be the first to get the earful and I didn’t want him to be blindsided. He did his best to put me at ease, said he agreed with my assessment in the email, and told me to calm down.
I absolutely could not calm down.
Fast forward to this week. I stayed home sick on Tuesday (although I spent the whole day working on the couch instead of at my desk, so it didn’t really count). I got an email from HR.
“An email has come to my attention that I’d like to talk to you about.”
Oh, man! My heart sunk. I responded that I was home sick and she could call my cell phone. I also said, “I know what email you’re talking about and I’ve just been sick over it. I immediately told my supervisor about it.”
She waited a moment and replied, “What email are you talking about? I’m talking about the one with the picture.”
HOLY SHIT – I just confessed to HR about an incident that they didn’t even know about.
“Hahahahahaha,” I said and completely ignored her question. “I really hate having my picture taken.”
The Tech guys at work had sent a request to those of us who don’t have a picture attached to our email. They asked for us to send in one. I sent in a cute little caricature of myself instead.
“Don’t worry,” she told me. “You can opt out of the picture. What I’m really concerned about is the comment about the Witness Protection Program. Do you need to talk about that?”
When I sent in the little drawing I told the tech guy that I was in the Witness Protection Program and they won’t allow me to put pictures of myself on the internet.
If you’re in Witness Protection do they think you’re actually going to tell everyone at work?
The real problem here is that apparently, if I ever get dragged in by the cops, I’m going to confess every single sin I’ve ever committed since the 4th grade.
This is not political blog – so relax.
The Sisters can’t stop watching the clip of Melania swatting her husband’s hand away as they walk from their plane.
Why is she hitting him? Why? We need to know. We really do.
Sure, we can make stuff up. That’s who we are. Possibilities include . . .
She’s hitting him because he said something stupid. That’s a safe bet. All husband’s say stupid shit.
She’s hitting him because she wants a puppy/kitten and he said NO. Another sure winner. Husbands think they are in charge of animal count as soon as they start to realize you have no puppy/kitten self-control to speak of.
She’s hitting him because he’s going around the globe making unreasonable requests for “gold-rimmed bone-china dinner plates divided so the food doesn’t touch with a special small well for ketchup” to their foreign hosts. Totally possible, husbands, and men in general, go around making unreasonable requests all the time.
Melania – call us or comment here. WE HAVE TO KNOW WHY YOU SWATTED DONALD TRUMP! We have to know.