I agreed to be a chaperon for Sassy’s 4th grade field trip to a bowling alley. In case you don’t remember, 4th graders are 10 years old. Ten year-old girls are highly emotional people. It’s just as they get to the cusp of teenagers – those deadly tween years. I don’t remember being this emotional when I was ten, but what the hell do I know. That was 34 years ago.
I have no idea how anything in my life can be 34 years ago, but there you have it. I had the same realization last week in California when I realized I hadn’t been to Knott’s Berry Farm since I went for my 8th grade graduation. That was 30 years ago. Holy shit, I’m old. And my feet hurt. And I had to get reading glasses this year. It’s only a matter of time before I’m complaining about bursitis or gout and yelling for kids to get off my lawn. Well, at kids besides my own.
A N Y W A Y. My age issues are not the point of this blog.
I arrived at the school with the rest of the kids and we promptly climbed aboard the school bus bound for the bowling alley. Just so you know, school buses smell exactly the way you remember them. Like feet and smelly boys. So you’re thrilled to get off the bus at your destination and gasp fresh air only to walk inside the bowling alley to a worse stench. Older feet and smellier boys. And other people’s shoes. And burnt coffee. That lovely potpourri does not encourage you to breath deeply, I assure you.
Even though it doesn’t have anything to do with the children, there was a guy there with three women’s names tattooed on his neck. When I texted this to Ava she told me not to judge – they were very likely his wife and two daughters. That could have been true, except two of the three names were crossed out. I swear to Zeus.
We eventually got all the kids in rented shoes. It took awhile because there was not a single child with us who knew what size shoes they wore. Then all the
kids made little teams of themselves and we got them signed into the scoring computers. Then I got to sit back and watch the show like Marlin Perkins on Wild Kingdom.
Every time one of the girls would knock down a pin, all the rest of the girls would squeal and there be a 12 minute hugging session reminiscent of the Academy Awards. As you can imagine very little bowling was actually accomplished until they got that out of their systems. Fairly early on, the alley people put up the gutter bumpers. If they hadn’t, I can assure you there would have been NO pins knocked down. As it was, it was more like watching an enormous pinball game than bowling.
The child would pick up the world lightest bowling ball – weighing in somewhere between lint and yarn – and hold it in front of her. Then she’d run full tilt up the lane only to come to a complete stop at the line, pause, then fling the ball down the lane with zero finesse. The ball would pinball in the vaguest direction of the pins, bouncing off the gutters as many as five times, careening back and forth, before it would gently tap a pin.
There was a brief moment of epic drama when one of the girls thought the other girls were talking about her behind her back. Copious tears and wailing and then, just as quickly, everyone was back to hugging.
It made my head spin.
All that aside, it was better than being at work.
Next week I agreed to go with The Bandit on their bowling field trip.
That should be truly outstanding with blog fodder. I anticipate less drama and more shenanigans. Stay tuned.
Hey! I did an interview over at Much Cheaper Than Therapy today. I wrote a little piece on family history. Remember I wrote it so it’s not like it’s a Hallmark card or anything.
Pop over and have a read. You’ll have fun. Leave a comment and you’ll secure your place in Heaven. Or if not Heaven, then Starbucks.
I’ll have you know that we made it to Disneyland in one piece. Or five pieces as the case may be since there are five of us. We left the house at 3:20 in the morning. Or the evening. I’m not even sure what to call that time of darkness. I don’t really consider it the next day until there is sun to confirm it.
Even though we packed last night, everyone seems to have arrived with the requisite amount of stuff. Since we drove that means WAY. TOO. MUCH. STUFF. We were indiscriminate. Sassy brought one bag entirely of shoes. That’s how I know for sure she’s my kid.
I brought two pairs of shoes. The tennis shoes my foot doctor insisted on with the $800 prescription orthotics and my Birkenstock’s that he frowns on. After six hours my feet HURT. They really hurt and I wore his shoe selection today. When I get back I’m going to clock my dear old podiatrist right in the nose. Don’t worry though, I’ll power through with the assistance of powerful anti-inflammatory drugs and chocolate.
And maybe wine and whine.
Also, just as an aside. Our hotel has a bus stop in front of it – directly in front of the entrance to Disneyland. I’m telling you this is the best bus stop in the entire world for people watching. There are the most outrageous characters making that bus stop their home. If it wasn’t completely inappropriate, I’d include pictures but that’s mean spirited and I AM at the happiest place on earth so you’ll just have to trust me on this.
Summer’s here. We know you people in other parts of the world are furrowing your brows and looking at us in confusion, but here in the desert, we’ve got summer. It’s undeniable. Our state capital already experienced a 100 degree day. The air conditioning is already running and our kids have been swimming at their grandmother’s for several weeks. The Sisters don’t swim. That’s not to say if we fell off a cruise ship that we’d drown. We CAN swim we just don’t because that involves swimming suits and nobody needs to see that. What we do instead is sit under an umbrella with a margarita and read. Onward summer! Here’s some funnies this week.
1. Mary the AutoReader. In the continuing saga of Democrats and Republicans refusing to get along or accomplish absolutely ANYTHING, the Dems of the Florida state legislature have required that all the bills be read a loud. That’s a LOT of reading. Hours and hours of it. So the Floridians bought Mary for $45.00. She sat in a closet, waiting to be necessary for years. Now that she’s out of the closet, so to speak, she’s a busy little “lady”. She can read a page in 45 seconds. It’s funny – and it serves them all right to have to sit and listen to that for 8 hours a day. If you’re interested Mary has now got a Twitter account because there are enough people out there just like us who can’t leave things well enough alone.
2. Iron Man 3. We love Robert Downey, Jr. We also love Iron Man. Snarky, egotistical and funny is a heady mix. We can’t wait to see this movie and have been looking forward to it ever since the The Avengers came out. We spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about Bob. He asked us to call him Bob on the restraining order.
3. Our new look. Wow, oh Wow, do we love our new look. We’re so delighted that it really reflects our personalities. We love the cute little girls in the car above. Ava thought it was funny how Amylynn insisted, INSISTED, that the original cartoon be changed to reflect that Amylynn was driving. She refused to allow the world as a whole to think for even one minute that Ava has ever driven anywhere if there was the possibility that someone else would do it for her. It certainly never would happen on a potential road trip as described in the cartoon. Ava will be wholly in charge of folding that road map we mentioned.
4.8 year-old boys. The Bandit is eight years old today. Honest to Zeus, no one can believe he’s made it this far. The Bandit is the most aptly nicknamed child ever. He can’t seem to stay out of trouble for more than ten minutes at a time unless he’s asleep and even then, usually there are candy wrappers and his father’s flashlight in there with him, too. He’s in after-school detention next week for calling his adorable 2nd grade teacher stupid and telling her she sucks. He hides chocolate syrup in the closet and strawberry heads behind the couch. He can eat an entire box of ice cream sandwiches in one day – and has on a number of occasions. He hides people’s electronics and has never voluntarily picked up a toy in his life. But, he’s absurdly funny and charming when he wants to be – like all the best sociopaths. Hopefully he makes it to nine.
5. Jamie the manager. Ava and her husband went to a national restaurant chain for dinner the other night. There was an egregious health issue during dinner, one that Ava wasn’t nearly as concerned about as The Claim Jumper, but they had no idea that Ava is not a litigious person. There was a chunk of glass in her iced tea. She didn’t swallow it. She wasn’t harmed, but the restaurant manager did a really excellent job of customer service. How rare is that? Their dinner and drinks were comped and the manager practically lay prostrate on the floor. Is it bad that we like a little panicky suffering once in a while?
I’ve never been a fan of Celine Dion. She seems a bit over-the-top for me with all her dramatic chest thumping. Maybe I can’t get over marrying a manager 26 years older than herself. But what the hell do I know. They’ve been married forever and I suppose they’re happy as they’re not plastered all over the tabloids. It’s possible that’s because there’s no room with the Kardashians taking up all the room on the covers, but I’d rather think they’re happy.
I guess it all boils down to the chest pumping dramatics for my meh attitude.
But then I came to learn something about Madam Dion that has made me infinitely jealous.
Not the money she has, but that certainly facilitated the reason that I’m jealous.
Ms. Dion has over 3,000 pairs of shoes. Sigh.
I don’t know the point of buying shoes that don’t fit. I’ve been known to buy shoes that are too high, too pinchy, or too costly, but they’ve all technically fit.
That’s a little weird.
The story I’m writing right now is a contemporary romance with a lady who’s got a serious shoe fetish. It’s been fun for me because I get to “shop” for shoes on the internet all the time. If you want to see Holly fictitious shoe collection, head over to my Pinterest page for Craving.