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Guess who’s gonna need a CB handle?

The Sisters are always wanting to leave behind the drudgery of our day jobs, and our search for something else to do with ourselves never ends. It’s constant.

We considered running away and joining the circus last week. Sadly the role of Fat Lady was already taken.

Haha, we jest. Sort of. Hold on – I need another cookie.

Ava had an epiphany last week and we may have found the job we need.

Long-haul truck drivers.

That’s exactly the same expression I made when Ava suggested it.

Who remembers Fred from Smokey and the Bandit?

Who remembers Fred from Smokey and the Bandit?

“What the hell are you talking about?” I scoffed from across my desk. “I’d have to do all the driving.” Ava has never voluntarily driven anywhere if she can make me do it. Generally, I don’t mind. I like driving.

“True,” she agreed without the slightest bit of apology. “I’d keep you awake.”

I still wasn’t sold and my face must have been pretty clear about that.

“There’s a $4,000 signing bonus,” she told me.

I rolled my eyes.

“And–” she paused for effect “–you can bring a pet with you in the truck.”

“SOLD”

 

 

Madeline Kahn said it best…

Have you ever felt this way about someone?

How about someone you work with? I can’t even look at her.

A Viking send off was out of the question. I checked.

Dear Faithful Reader,

You may recount many tales the Sisters had riding around in Dave Durango. He was an awesome vehicle and he treated us well for ten solid years. He carted us on many road trips – around our own state and all the way to San Antonio and  back.dave

We loved Dave.

Sadly, Dave grew old and tired and a bit cantankerous and it was finally decided that Dave would be sent to a farm to live out the rest of his life, running around in the fields with other Durangos, maybe chasing VW rabbits.

He’d lived a very good life. We lamented his passing. Ava had a harder time giving him up even that I did.

“We love Dave,” she kept saying. That was beyond a doubt. We did love Dave, except that Dave kept over heating and leanidasblowing through oil and I was tired of always driving with one eye on the gauges.

Enter The Chrysler 300. A grown up car. I’ve been driving the family truckster in one form or another for the last 15 years.

Her name is Leanidas, because she’s one of the 300. Please tell me you get that reference. Sometimes people laugh when I tell them this line and I can clearly tell they don’t get the joke.

Lea, it turns out, is a bit bossy. It stormed last night and consequently this morning it was chilly. A drop in leonidastemperature can drop the air pressure in your tires. Seriously. Look it up. Lea didn’t like this, not one bit.

I received an email from her demanding “Immediate and urgent attention.” She informed me in no uncertain terms she’d like 3 more pounds of pressure in her left front tire and she’d like it now. Right now. 10 minutes ago would have been better.

Dave never yelled at me like that. His email would have been more like your stoned cousin – “Dude, you know, like, when you have a sec, float a little more air in one of my tires. No biggie. Cheers!”

Cars have definitely changed in the last 10 years!

No more cheese before bed.

The Sister’s aren’t particularly enamored of pumpkin spice or guinea pigs for that matter, but we are in love with these talking dudes.

Because they’re hysterical.

Someone had a very busy day

Quentin, AKA The Velvet Menace, is nuts. My Honey prefers the term, “bat-shit crazy”. He’s very…kitten-y. A kitten who very much believes that he’s a tiny panther.

I am concerned by the fact that he doesn’t seem to sleep enough. Aren’t felines supposed to sleep like 16-20 hours a day? This one doesn’t. You’re probably saying, “I bet he sleeps all day while you’re at work.”

Not so. We have proof in the form of destroyed household items. We had a sealed bag of bedding that goes in the bottom of a hamster cage tucked away after the untimely demise of those animals. He shredded it all over the family room. All. Over.

When we went into the laundry room to fetch the broom and dust pan, we found this laundry basket.

You can’t blame in on either of the dogs. It was on top of the dryer. Also, Jojo Kitty is in the clear. I can almost hear their conversation.

Jojo – Dude, what are you doing?

VM (Velvet Menace) – Nothing. Go away.

Jojo (with an eyeroll) Why are you eating a laundry basket?

VM – I’m killing this evil holder of clothes.

Jojo – Whatever, dude. I’m off to take a nap.

VM – (gnaw, snarl, mangle)

And you get the whole trip home to read it!

It has come to the Sisters attention there is a new fellow out there we should be aware of.

We introduce you to Emerson Spartz. We understand that he holds the record for the longest distance ever to purchase a book. Mr. Spartz flew 3,950 miles to buy a book. hp-order-of-phoenix

A book.

With that kind of dedication, we have to salute him, don’t you think?

The man flew from Chicago to London to purchase Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

If we had the money and the ability to do it, we’d have flown right over the Atlantic to buy that book, too. Harry Potter just happens to be a Sister favorite and J.K. Rowling one of our patron saints.

You go Emerson Spartz!

Part 3 of 3 in the Animal’s Goings On: It’s a miracle I came home with only one

So there we were: the Bright Family was down two pets in one week. It was heart breaking. Winnie was missing and Geddy had passed away. Our spirits were low. Ava lamented with us. It seriously sucks to lose one pet, but two IN ONE WEEK was more than a person should be expected to bear.

We looked for Winnie with constant dedication. Jojo Kitty and Roscoe the Idiot Dog sat around and looked at us with sad eyes. Sometimes there seemed to be an accusing glint to them that I couldn’t really blame them for. We were trying to keep the faith that Winnie would be found, but each day stretched into weeks and naturally we began to despair.

My Honey had a gig one Saturday night and he sent me with the children to Animal Control to do our daily investigation. I warned him that I was not an adult and could not be expected to behave myself with out supervision.

You know me pretty well, Dear Readers. Anything that happened after he made me go by myself was really his fault, don’t you think?pissy-cats

We walked by every single pen and talked to every single dog. None of them new Winnie, or if they did they were staying quiet about it.

As a lark and with no actual intent – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it – the kids and I went into the cat room.

The tiny black kitten chose us. I know you’ve heard that line before, but I’m very serious. He meowed LOUDLY and kept sticking his little leg out and grabbed our clothes. When we took him out of his cage, he purred like a motorboat. I can’t believe rumbling that loud came out of such a tiny dude. We were in love immediately.

In my defense, I did text My Honey a picture of Sassy holding him and he never said no.

So now Quentin has come to live with us. He’s named Quentin after San Quentin Prison since we got him out of kitty jail and Folsom isn’t as good a name. When we took him to the vet for his check up and vaccination follow-up, we learned that he had a tattoo on his tummy from Animal Control when he was fixed. So, yes! My kitty has a prison tat!

quentinHe’s completely gorgeous, absolutely all black – possibly even his soul – with golden eyes. It’s been years since we had a kitten and I forgot that they’re alternately awful and completely charming. His feet are enormous and his tail is ridiculously long – I can’t wait to see how big he gets. Already he thinks he is a panther and he weighs less than 6 lbs.

There is not one thing in this house that he hasn’t tried to kill from the 70lb hound dog to the dryer. He will destroy a bag of kitten food in mere seconds, shred it into oblivion. If you wear clothes with any dangly parts you’re taking your life into your hands. He’s vicious I tell you, except when he wants to cuddle, then you’re definitely required to use both hands. It doesn’t matter if it’s noon or 4am you’re going to need to be awake enough to pet him with both hands and if you can get a foot into the action then all the better. He’s loud and bossy and nuts.

He also has exquisitely soft fur and smells fantastic.

We call him the Velvet Menace and he’s damn near perfect.

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