Happy Memorial Day Weekend. We hope you remember someone while you’re at that blockbuster movie/barbeque/watching car races/fishing. It’s going to be super hot here, so do your remembering in the shade. Better yet, just don’t go outside. Spontaneous combustion is not nearly as fun as it sounds. Here are some things we enjoyed over the last week. Some of these stories are frustrating because there are tons of unanswered questions. We’ve tried to fill in the blanks where we could, but honestly, investigative reporting isn’t what it used to be. We think men might have been involved. They never ask all the necessary questions.

1. Roma Imports. Amylynn’s husband clued us in on this place. It’s just down the street from Bank of No Forks, but it’s hidden, tucked away in a funky neighborhood. Roma is an Italian import grocery store and deli. It’s a tiny building with maybe six or eight picnic tables in the back. Ava and I have been in twice since we became aware of it. Once to get desserts and once more to eat lunch. Our sandwiches were really good. And so was the canolli. Treat yourself to lunch or buy a whole dinner for your family. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
   

   we don't think you should put these guys on your head

2. Cheetahs. The National Zoo had a very exciting delivery. Mama cheetah, Ally, delivered her first litter, an adorable, fuzzy little boy. While the veterinarian was listening to Mama’s heartbeat, she heard another faint beat despite the fact that the momma hadn’t had any more contractions in several hours. An emergency c-section ensued and several more cubs were delivered. Only one lived, a cutie-patootie little girl who refused to die. Ava and Amylynn are going to hold off with the kidnapping plans until the babies are a bit stronger and completely out of the woods. Then…ROAD TRIP. The best part is, the National Zoo has pandas too.
   

   Our guy is on the left - obviously.

3. Social Security Fraud. So this guy in New York pretended to be his dead mom to continue cashing her social security checks and commit some sort of real estate fraud. The thing is, he didn’t just sign her name and cash the checks. Oh no. He takes his fraud very seriously and wore a blond wig, dress and oversized sunglasses. Sometimes even going to the length of using a walker, having his nails manicured, and obtaining an oxygen mask. He went to the DMV and renewed her driver’s license. In his defense, he describes it as a lifestyle choice. Unfortunately, it’s a choice that’s gonna land him in prison for 13 to 41 years. Maybe it was the beard that gave him away.
   

   Thank God the zebra wasn't driving - parrots are much safer.

4. Drunk Driving. Drunk driving is not funny. Drunk driving is a serious problem. It does become amusing when you do it with a baby zebra and a parrot in your van. He took his “babies” to the bar but they wouldn’t let them in. If the Sisters owned a bar, we would absolutely let in any animals that felt like trotting on down. But we have a problem with the reporting on this story. Nowhere were we able to find out why this guy has a zebra. As you know, there are a few animals we want to get our hands on and if he knows a guy…. We’re heading out now to post bail.
5. 5. White House Picture. The Sisters love this picture. If you don’t know the story, we’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version. Mr. Philadelphia (really) worked in the white house and was leaving the post. Many staff members leaving ask for a family picture with the president, so the whole Philadelphia family trotted on down to the oval office to pose with Barak Obama. Here’s where it gets cute. The man’s children had a question each for Mr. Obama, who graciously agreed to answer. Keep in mind that the parents didn’t know what the questions were in advance. The older kid wasted his question on some crap about discontinuing the F-22 fighter jet. The younger one, Jacob, wanted to know if Barak’s hair felt the same as his. The rest is self explanatory when you look at the picture. These were some brave parents. We’d never let our children free-lance a question for the president. We can guarantee you it would be something about farting.

Holy cow, it’s already getting hot. None of the Sisters will be seen outside again till sometime in late September, except when running from the house to the car, car to the mall, bakery, movie theater, etc. We are skeptical of those people out golfing or running (the horror) or hiking during the day. Listen to the siren song of the a/c vent, the Turner Classics Channel on television, and cool iced tea. Join us; come over to the pale side. You’ll like it here. We get a lot of reading done. And there’s this stuff, too.

1. Chocolate chips. It was National Chocolate Chip Day this week. We hope you took full advantage. For future reference, if you put Nestle Toll House cookies in the microwave for about fifteen seconds you get absolute heaven. Pour yourself an ice cold glass of milk and turn on some cartoons – preferably Bugs Bunny or Road Runner, Scooby Doo will work in a pinch – and you have instant childhood. The problem is that your current children will find you snuggled up under that blanket on the couch and will ruin everything by demanding their own warmed cookies. By the time you get back from the kitchen, they will have turned on SpongeBob and you’ll never get that magic back. You know what, never mind. Go to a bakery and eat them alone in the parking lot. Honestly, there’s no shame in that.
2. James Lipton. The famous Mr. Lipton of the Actor’s Studio gave some acting tips for Mitt Romney. He suggested that he could help Mr. Romney act like a “human.” We are gazing at Mr. Lipton with much skepticism. He gave him some suggestions on showing actual mirth when he laughs, saying that currently, “your laugh isn’t working.” Also, Mr. Lipton is against Mitt trying to show he’s a common man, and suggests that Mitt just go with his type casting. If you are unfamiliar with Mr. Lipton and his interviews with famous actors, you should check it out. If you really need a laugh, find the one with Mike Meyers or Robin Williams. You’ll laugh till you cry – with real mirth, not the Romney version.
3. Cats on heads. We’ve been seeing this a lot since we posted the picture of the Groupon guy with the cat on his head. There’s the Bloggess, and Morgan Freeman, and now Morrissey. We’re not sure when this became such a thing, but clearly we were on the cutting edge of a meme. We considered teaching Jojo to do it but then he nibbles your ears and that makes us giggle which makes him topple off and that’s not good for anyone with all the scratching and screaming. Send us a picture of you with a cat on your head and we’ll make sure the internet knows all about it. You know you want to. We’ll even loan you a cat, just hold very, very still.
4. Eclipse. Ava doesn’t care about the solar eclipse this weekend. She will care when the sun combusts into a fiery ball effectively ending the zombie apocalypse. This is cool stuff as far as Amylynn and Kelli are concerned. Amylynn even went and got the special glasses so she could show her kids. She has had a night sky app on her phone to identify constellations and planets for a long time. There’s groovy music and everything. Go get your glasses and enjoy. The ancient Mayans certainly did.
5. Pooping diamonds. This isn’t as odd as it seems. No, actually it totally is. This guy in Windsor, Canada shoplifted a 1.7 carat diamond by swallowing it. He’s been arrested – nearly a week ago – and now he’s sitting in jail waiting for it to come back out. We find this a very amusing and creative way to shoplift. However, the Sisters are concerned that nothing has happened for a week. That seems wrong – even for the most constipated among us. Nevertheless, we’d wait patiently along with the Mounties because we don’t want you to think for one minute that, when properly sterilized, we’d balk at wearing a $20,000 diamond regardless of where it’s been.

You have never seen such a pathetic bunch of sneezers in your life as the three of us. Dirty Kleenix mountains grow steadily in our vicinity. The whining has reached epic proportions. Honestly, we’re not sure if our necks are strong enough to hold up our heads anymore. Allergy medicine is not helpful as even the self-proclaimed non-drowsy pills make us drowsy. At the very least, they have muddied our minds to the point that we’re no longer able to give quick, witty rejoinders – just mean, grouchy bitching. There were  some good things this week.

1. Wallaby. This little gal, Tilly, was found outside her mom’s pouch, rejected, at the Whipsnade Zoo in England. So now she lives in a “rucksack”. Let’s say it together shall we, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh.” If they need volunteers, we feel qualified since we’re raising Jojo the Fuzzy Kitty. Wallabies have been on our minds lately, anyway, since we saw that episode of Home Finders in NYC where the guy was tired of his 1.4 million dollar apt and wanted something “bigger”. He found one he just loved, but the co-op wouldn’t accept his application because he had a pet wallaby. Really. In New York City. Don’t you wonder what the downstairs neighbors think of all that jumping around up there?
2. Funny Books. This week we read Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jennie Lawson, thebloggess.  This book is so damn funny, we had tears running down our faces. We’ve been long time fans of the Bloggess so we made it a point to buy the book when it came out and read it right away. This took some dedicated effort because, for whatever reason, Winnie the dog decided she wanted that book, too. She ate it. Twice. When we say “ate” we’re not exaggerating. Amylynn came home to find the hardback cover desiccated. Most of the actual manuscript survived outside the binding and thus Amylynn would just tear off whatever part she was finished with and pass it on to the next sister. Unfortunately, Winnie got to it a second time and thirty-five pages at the end of the book were sent to a slobbery grave. We had to buy the book again. This is the only book Winnie has ever touched. Good taste, we say.
3. ½ price frappuccinos. Starbucks is selling them ½ price May 4^th – 13^th from 3 to 5pm. They have a new flavor: Mocha cookie crumble. With chocolate whipped cream. We’ll see you there. What do they say, feed a cold, starve a fever, drown an allergy? Something like that.
4. True statement of the week. This from an article in the Picayune of all places. Not the usual site for smart, witty reporting. “You are entitled to your own opinion but not your own facts.” Has a truer statement ever been said? This quote should actually be attributed to the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan, D-NY. That explains how it was in the Picayune in the first place. It wasn’t given birth to there, only disseminated.  That’s our motto anyway.
5. Office pot-lucks. Admit it, these are fun. You never know what you’re gonna get, but it’s always interesting. We happen to be in an office with good cooks – good Mexican cooks – so there’s always yumminess to be found. And of course, desserts. Lots of desserts. The best complaining comes during the nosh in the kitchen. Everyone gathered around nibbling and laughing – best gossip ever.

Well, well, well. Here we are. Imagine us bobbing our heads. The Sisters talk, a lot. Anytime none of us has anything to say, it’s sort of monumental. We all might be brain dead after the week we’ve had. We did notice that our five things are heavy on the animals and light on the desserts. That calls for a run to the bakery. Check out these five things, we’ll be right back.

1. Starbucks at Disneyland. The Mouse and the purveyor of glorious caffeine beans have inked a deal. If there was one thing Disneyland needed it was non-fat frappuccinos and venti lattes with a double shot. Can you imagine Splash Mountain with all those singing animals and manic music! Or Fantasy Land where all the rides are lit with black light? Who needs hallucinogenics? Yea! Starbucks! Everyone has the first place they always head the minute they get in the front gate.  For Amylynn, it’s always Pirates of the Caribbean and it always has been. For Ava it’s the Matterhorn. Kelli has not been properly indoctrinated with Disney but now that there’s a Starbucks we’ll bet we can lure her in. M.I.C.K.E.Y.M.O.U.S.E.
2. Normal hairdressers. After suffering through an undeniably crazy hair person, we were delighted to find a normal one. One who hasn’t had every single disease known to man, doesn’t have wonky self body images, and doesn’t look like she was brutally attacked by a box of Crayolas.  She did good hair, but a gal really has to draw the line. Our new girl? LOVELY! The Sisters are always wondering why we’re surrounded by so many crazies so every normal person thrills us beyond belief. And she does great hair. Bliss.
   

   Ahhhhhhhh

    

3. Jojo. The Wonder Kitty. The cutest damn thing in orange stripes. We’ve fallen madly in love. So in love in fact, that Amylynn brings him to the Bank of No Forks every day. Honestly, when you’ve been tortured by your employer beyond all reason, nothing makes it all better faster than kissing the fuzzy, polka dotted belly of a warm kitty. He’s the perfect office pet we’ve been looking for and all the Aunties in the office adore him. You should get yourself one. Not ours, of course. Find another fuzzy little friend.
4. Woolly mammoths.They’re cloning them. We want one. A wee woolly mammoth
   

   Only picture it with a fuzzy elephant instead

   we’d name Walter or, if it’s a girl, Beatrice. Now some might say that it is unwise to clone an animal so much bigger than your average scientist. We don’t have a problem with it. You see, the Sisters are firmly convinced no matter what animal we’re given, we’d ruin it by loving and cuddling and snuggling it into submission. A panther? No problem. Name it Farley and kiss its tummy. All will be well. We’re not even worried about the woolly mammoth shedding, which we’re assuming it will. It’s right there in the name. We’ve preordered the Louis Vuitton Mammoth Carrier to go with the rest of our luggage.

   

   Run, Byrdie, run!

    

5. Puppies running amok. Apparently a Rhodesian Ridgeback named Byrdie got loose from its carrier this week and escaped the plane she was supposed to be on. She gave the airport personnel a merry run for their money, basically shutting down La Guardia Airport by running all over the runways and sitting defiantly in front of the jets. They finally had to get the owner off the plane to corral her dog. That wouldn’t have worked with the dogs at our houses. No one ever listens to us regardless how many legs they have.  

It has come to the attention of the Sisters that our talents are being wasted on our respective jobs. Especially Bank of No Forks. You’ve never seen two people read the newspaper with such dedication as Ava and Amylynn. Once we get to giggling there’s really no hope. The things this week all derived from either reading the local Picayune or internet news. Everything here made us damn near hysterical. We only hope that we can properly communicate to you our thought processes. It may not be feasible, though, because we understand that we might be mildly retarded and we blame corporate America for that. All we know for certain is that Kelli often looks at us in bewilderment and that can’t be good.

 1. Glow in the dark money. Canada is on it. Not only did they decide to stop making their version of the penny – a smart move as far as we can see – but they did other nifty stuff as well. First, let’s all agree, the penny is useless. If you give three of them to a checker so you can get a quarter back in change they spontaneously combust out of confusion. The only thing they’re useful for is giving to children to throw into fountains. So, smart move Canada. The next thing is glow in the dark money. GENIUS. How fabulously helpful for the Tooth Fairy for one. Also, we’d kind of like to take some of those to a strip club and see how that plays out. We’re totally heading up to Canada to check it out. We are going to keep an eye on our feet, though.

2. Limb repair. No, not for trees. This is a seminar we think we should go to. One of the main topics of discussion is “present-day revolution in replacement parts.” Why? Because if we’re going to go up to Canada to check out the money situation we don’t want to have to spend all that time worrying about our feet falling off. We have a LOT of shoes between the three of us and it would be a shame to have our feet “naturally separate from our bodies” with no recourse whatsoever. We’re going to sit in the audience with the octogenarians and ask a million questions until we’re asked to leave. We have to admit that we got to laughing so hard over this particular article that there was snorting.

3. GSA Spending. We’ll be honest here and admit that we had no idea what the GSA did before there was a scandal. Turns out, they’re the nations “landlords”. That’s all you need to know. We were going to apply but we may be too late now for the gravy train. We love a good money waster in Las Vegas and were totally in UNTIL we read that they spent money on clown costumes. If there’s going to be clowns then we’re not going. We don’t like clowns. We don’t like balloon animals. The two go together like crazy and straightjackets. In fact, clowns

before pants were invented

may be the most effective Sister repellent on Earth.

4. Ted Nugent. Apparently the Secret Service is going to interview the Motor City Madman because of some things he ranted about in terms of Obama. Have they never paid attention to Mr. Nugent before this? He’s always ranting about something – out there on the stage with his compound bow and loin cloth. He’s crazy but we think mostly harmless. Except for that loin cloth thing. That really has to go. No WAIT! We meant replaced with something else. Something like pants. Yes, pants for everyone. We vote for pants. Speaking of pants…

5. Criminals. There has been a bunch of interesting ones lately. Take for example, Mr. Klundt. We like his name even if he’s not a good bank robber. We think Klundt sounds more like a Muppet or a Scooby Doo villain than a hardened criminal. That word is almost as much fun to say as Yemen. Next we have the naked protestor guy in Portland. If you are unfamiliar, he was protesting being searched at the airport. Well, if there’s one thing that will insure that no one will touch you it’s to strip down to nothing and invite them. So we googled his picture. That was a mistake. He looks very Portland-y with a giant beard. Do you suppose they let him put his clothes back on when they arrested him because no one should be expected to sit in the back of a cop car naked. That can’t be sanitary for the next guy.  What we’re really wondering is who gets to decide how big the black bars are to hide the offensive parts. In this situation the bar needed to be WAY bigger. We’re just sayin.  You ever notice the people desperate to be naked are never the ones you want to see naked? That seems criminal, doesn’t it?

April Fool’s Day is coming. Prepare yourself. You should just all be happy you don’t live in the house with The Bandit. There may be nothing more unsettling than spending a whole day with a seven year old with wholesale permission to be a prankster. Expect mud in unexpected places, dog food in your breakfast, things in your bed. Boy, are we excited. These five things are not pranks. God’s truth. Enjoy.

1. Hunger Games Barbie – Really. We couldn’t make this up. If we did, you wouldn’t believe us. You’d say to yourself, that’s just dumb. We agree. It is dumb. And totally impractical. Exactly how the hell is Katniss Barbie supposed to shoot a bow and arrow with any accuracy with those boobs in the way?
2. Steven C. Schlozman.First of all, we love his name. Schlozman. Stretch out the “o”. Very satisfying isn’t it? Mr. Schlozman is actually Dr. Schlozman. He’s a Harvard psychiatrist and ZOMBIE expert. So at first you’re thinking, yeah – psychiatrists are always the crazy ones. He came upon the title innocently enough though. He’s been a zombie fan since childhood, but then he started contemplating why zombies have become so common in popular culture and why we found them so fascinating. Once he got past the clinical Jungian and Freudian nonsense, he started to have fun. He wrote a book “The Zombie Autopsies: Secret Notebooks from the Apocalypse” which is being made into a film by no other than George Romero – the grand daddy of zombie movies. Anyway the Sisters love anyone who buys
   

   The boy has teeth now, Alicia

   into crazy 100%, and Dr. Schlozman has done just that. He even went so far as to come up with the disease – ataxic neurodegenerative satiety deficiency syndrome (ANSD) to explain where zombies come from. Awesome.

3. Wack-a-loon Celebrities. It has come to our attention that Alicia Silverstone feeds her 11 month old son, Bear Blu, by chewing up her food and feeding it to him like a baby bird. What the…. We’re fairly proud of the fact that we self-edited there, because that shit’s crazy. Not only has she saddled that child with the name Bear Blu but there’s that other thing, too. Is she not aware that a blender does that without the gross factor? If she doesn’t own a blender, then she could always get baby food at the store. It’s right there next to the pharmacy where she should be picking up her meds.
   

   The one in the middle makes our stomach hurt

4. No more hoochies. It is becoming more and more evident that our daughters are growing up. The Girl Who Lives at Ava’s House is 11, Sassy is 9, and Bean is 8. Before you know it they’ll be going to their very own proms. Well, after their dates run the daddy gauntlet. This growing up thing is disturbing because we can’t help but notice how many young ladies these days are not dressing like ladies. So much so, in fact, that schools everywhere are creating power point presentations with examples of unacceptable prom dresses. In the Journal article they showed a girl in a bad dress so low it showed her tattoo. Her tattoo! Dear God, we’re having heart palpitations. It does not matter that 2 out of 3 Quill Sisters have tattoo(s). Our daughters will do as we say, not as we do. We’re popping right over to Alicia Silverstone’s pharmacy right after this.
5. Clever people. We’ve already told you how much we enjoy wasting time on Pinterest. The thing is some of those funny posts really stick with us and we quote them throughout the day. This week’s little bon mot had to do with The Walking Dead. For those of you who don’t watch this show, first of all, you’re totally missing out and, second of all, you’re going to have no idea why this is so funny. The crux of the matter is that there are zombies everywhere and no one seems to be able to keep an eye on this kid. They constantly tell him, “Go in the house, Carl” yet when the zombie shit hit’s the fan, Carl is AWOL. It drives all of us insane. Perhaps our dear Daryl should just shoot him with that cross bow and put us all out of our misery. Whatever does end up happening to Carl, this picture says it all and makes us laugh uproariously every single time we see it.