Wow, is it beautiful outside. It’s supposed to be 85 degrees this weekend. The sky is so blue and the mountains so crisp, it’s almost like someone put a cardboard cutout of mountains against blue construction paper. The Bank of No Forks frowned when we asked if we could move our desks out to the shady courtyard so we could more readily enjoy spring. You know what the problem with big corporations is? They’re no fun. Unless you work at Google where you get haircuts and massages and nap pods. Nap pods! Doesn’t that sound like the height of pampering? You get a glorious massage and then roll into a nap pod. Zzzzzzzzzzz. We’ll be dreaming about these things…
- Research. On the surface, that doesn’t sound like the most exciting thing, but it totally is. How anyone wrote a book that required research prior to the internet is beyond us. A good Googling session yields no small amount of amazing factoids. Of course, that will eventually lead us to a book store where we torture the employees with weird requests while maintaining a straight face. We are unsure of anything more fun than loitering around a Barnes & Noble with a nice latte, asking off the wall questions in rapid fire succession, and then wandering away, leaving stunned and confused clerks in our wake. We’re fairly certain the entire staff of the local B&N quit yesterday.
- Yoda.We are going to include a picture of this fellow, however, we suggest that you don’t look directly at it. Glance to the left, then dart your eyes away. Or perhaps look straight ahead and check it out with your peripheral vision like you would a comet. Yoda was the title holder of the Ugliest Dog. We can’t imagine there was any real competition. We’re sure Yoda was a perfectly nice doggie. Call us shallow, it won’t be the first time, but we don’t think we could be his mommy. Maybe if he came with a panda bear, but even then…. We’re sorry to see you go, Yoda, if even because now they’ll have to resurrect that damn competition and no one needs to see that.
- Ryan Bowden. Mr. Bowden was “discovered” while we were conducting “research”. Back in the day when we were all in sales, when we said we were off to “go marketing” everyone knew it was a euphemism for screwing around. It was fairly obvious when we always returned with new shoes. Or going to the movies and we’d return with popcorn breath. Doing “research” is much the same – especially if it’s on the internet. Mr. Bowden happened along and then all good intentions flew out the window. Now if Ryan here came with #3, then we’d be the proud owners of an inconceivably ugly dog and a cute little boy we could teach to kill the icky bugs and not to speak. Sigh. That sounds like the perfect use of a nap pod.
- Exotics. We’re in very serious trouble. A website has come to our attention and nothing good can come from it. Knowing our proclivities, why would the Boy Who Lives at Ava’s House bring this site to our attention? It reeks of a set up, like someone wants us to get into trouble. You know those studies where they put a person in a room with a hidden camera and a bunch of cookies and tell them NOT TO EAT ANY? Those people always eat some cookies. You can hardly expect us to control ourselves now that we know of a website that sells both leopard cats and prehensile tailed porcupines. That site led to another and we found a baby camel and a baby giraffe for sale. Who would have ever thought you could be on a website and push “Add to Cart” and a baby leopard would be waiting for you to enter your credit card number. We promise you people, this will end badly.
- Nada. When it comes right down to it, we got nothin’. Really. We searched high and low and we could not come up with a fifth thing. How depressing is that? Not too depressing because that alone made us laugh. Next week we’ll shoot for six things but don’t get your hopes all up or anything.
Time marches onward. Politics gets crazier. Hockey teams blow their lead and make frustrated fans want to cry. Book festivals come and go. Despondent authors become even more so and consider it as a new career choice. And so it goes. Thank Zeus for these five things.
- Penguin #337.First let’s give the guy a more dignified name. #337 is unacceptable. We say either Bernard or Juliet. The authorities at the Tokoyo Aquarium are unsure of the sex of the penguin – but then they
are ignorant about a lot of things when it comes to #337. Apparently, the tubby little waddler scaled a thirteen foot wall, squeezed between some fence and made a bid for freedom. All of this with no thumbs! The aquarium folk are a little panicky and they’ve basically put out a citywide APB. I suspect its face to show up on milk cartons. The officials suspect #337 escaped due to its “curiosity and yearning for adventure.” You go little #337! The theme song today will be Lust for Life by Iggy Pop. Let’s hope no polar bears escape while he’s still out. If they meet up it’s a sure sign of the apocalypse. Never fear, we’re jumping on a plane right now to help with the search.
- Piffle. The sisters love funny words. Remember kerfuffle and snackeral? Piffle has been around since 1878 and means “to talk or act in a trivial, inept, or ineffective way.” If there was ever a word to describe the sisters . . . This is not a new word for us, but it’s always fun when you meet up with an old friend in an unexpected way. Like going to your class reunion and finding someone you forgot all about and rediscovering that they are charming and funny – not that the Sisters are anticipating this actually happening this summer during one of their own reunions. Anyway, piffle wandered back into our lives in a WSJ political commentary about Rick Santorum. Kathleen Parker referred to his recent comments about higher education as “pure pandering piffle.” Bravo Ms. Parker. Bravo.
- OREOS. Oreo turned 100 this week. Have you ever eaten a 100 year old Oreo? Us neither but we suspect it’s still yummy. Whatever they make that white stuff out of isn’t natural but we don’t really care. If one has to buy cookies then Oreos is the way to go. Amylynn doesn’t agree with the concept of either dunking them in milk (or dunking ANYTHING in milk. **shudder** There are all kinds of issues with texture there) or pulling the wafers apart to eat the middle first. She contends that the best way is to shove the whole thing in your hungry maw at once so your whole mouth is overwhelmed with flavor. Then, and only then, wash it down with freezing cold milk. Same goes for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups but that’s a different birthday. Happy Birthday, Oreo. Snacks for everyone!
- Lamborghini Aventador Jota. Take a look at this car would you? Did it make you all slobbery, too, or is that left over from #3? This little bit of gorgeousness sold for 2.75 million dollars to an unknown gazillionaire. It is the only one made and may, quite possibly, never be duplicated. It tops out at around 180 mph. That will get you to the store to buy Oreos super fast. As a friend said when she saw it, “You can’t go wrong with a red dress and black stilettos.” As far as we’re concerned, that’s a pretty damn apt description of the lovely Ms. Aventador.
- Sopapillas. If you have to spend quality time in New Mexico like Amylynn and Ava have to do from time to time you quickly discover that the restaurants bring you sopapillas WITH EVERY MEAL. WITHOUT YOU EVEN ASKING. We’re not sure you’re grasping the magnitude of what we’re telling you here. The waiter will bring you dessert without you even asking! It just appears there like magic with the salsa. It may truly be the most miraculous thing since we don’t know what. Those New Mexicans have really got something going on there and we think, if Newt really wants the nomination, he should add that concept to his platform. Quickly before some crazy-ass pundit comes out against dessert, calls it a slut, and we all have to take sides on something so basic as happiness. It’s a choice, people. Embrace it.
So how are you all doing out there? We never hear from you. You never write. Dashing off a little hello once in a while keeps your dedicated blogger from crying into their frosting every long, lonely night. As busy as it is, you wouldn’t think the internet was such a lonely place. We have amassed five amusing things for you to comment on just to prove to us that you care. Ready, set, go….
- Elephants. There has been quite a dust up in town about the
elephant situation at the zoo. We don’t want to get into that – murky waters and all – but we are excited because the new herd of elephants are starting to arrive. With babies! Oh dear, we really hate to fall in love with some other baby animal we’re going to want to “liberate” and keep in our back yards. Unfortunately, Amylynn is totally ahead of the curve here. We suspect kidnapping a baby elephant and getting it on an airplane may be slightly more difficult than our plans for the panda bear. We’re going to try a different route with the elephant. Dear Tanzania, Please send 1 extra small baby elephant for us to love and cuddle
and name Betty. Sincerely, The Quill Sisters.
- Genie Wishes. This has long been a game with the Sisters. If you found a genie lamp and an actual genie popped out to give you three wishes, what would you wish for? Amylynn wants a bottomless wallet and the health and body she had when she was 22. Ava wants to write like a world class author. Kelli would probably waste at least one of her wishes on camping or some icky outdoor bullshit like that. There is one thing for sure, though, and that is whatever you wish for you better be specific. Wish wisely, people. One thing we’ve learned from The Twilight Zone and Saturday morning Scooby-Doo cartoons, you don’t want to leave the genie any loopholes. And they say we wasted our youth with television. **Snort**
- Leap year. You know what the best thing is about leap year? The absolutely insanely complicated math involved. It’s not so simple as every four years, you know. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s every year divisible by four but not by 100 unless it’s divisibly by 400. And any year where the moon sits at longitude 77 degrees 30’W for 12 hours or there are more than four high tides in February. Alright so we made that last part up, but still, it’s a fun day.
- Crazy people. We do love us some crazies. Well, we love them so long as they stay back 500 feet as required by the restraining order and we only have to notice their craziness via the newspaper. This is exactly the case with Sheriff Apaio in Maricopa County. That man is a lunatic. His latest desperate bid for attention had him dredging up that birth certificate business with Barack again. Sigh. He and some fool from his “Cold Case Posse” (! – how wild west, right?) are being careful not to implicate the actual president at least not until, “we find out who may have committed these alleged crimes.” You know, it’s never dull around here with him and our nutso governor.
- Stupid people. So this guy Eric King shoved a 19″ flat screen down his pants and attempted to steal it. Additionally, he had a remote control, power cords, a bottle of brake fluid and two Xanax stuffed in there. We’ll bet you’re anticipating that we think Mr. King is the stupid person, aren’t you? Nope. The stupid person here is the jackass security guard who didn’t notice anything was amiss until Mr. King dropped a box of candy. How strangely must our perpetrator have been walking to successfully keep that much stuff down his pants? We imagine it was a pretty strange walk indeed. Waddle waddle waddle. Shrug.
The Sisters have been running afoul of crazies lately. This is disconcerting because we have plenty of our own crazy, we certainly don’t need to be farming any of it out. Unfortunately, the Sisters seem to have some sort of Whack-a-loon magnet. We’re not sure if there’s a way to rid ourselves of this disability. Perhaps there is a drug? A séance? Perhaps we need an old priest and a young priest… While we keep dodging those loony bullets, these things came along to amuse.
- National. We booked tickets to our first national convention this week. The convention is in California this year which is totally doable. This is an opportunity for us to talk to other writer-y types besides the ones we talk to all the time. We run through writer-y people pretty quickly so it’s nice to have a stack of them waiting on deck. The keynote speaker this year is Stephanie Laurens – the author of the Cynster series. We’re big fans. That’s another great draw of the national convention – a chance for us to get all fan girl again. Also, Rachel Gibson will be there, and we just love her. It just occurred to us that Julia Quinn will surely be there which made our hearts palpitate.
- Orange Chicken. Panda Express has the best orange chicken. It’s just the right amount of spicy and sweet. It also has the distinction of brewing the best iced tea in town – an unpresuming passion fruit blend. But the real reason we love orange chicken from Panda Express is right there in the name. Panda. We figure it’s all in who you know, and they say you should never discount anyone who can help you reach your goals. How outrageous would it be if we managed to get a panda bear all because we are nice to the ladies at Panda Express? We don’t make a habit of being easy going, but you can be assured that we’re very nice when we go to fetch our orange chicken and iced tea.
- Kathleen Madigan. This comedienne is hysterical. She was in town this past week and Ava was lucky enough to get to go. Amylynn has long been a fan, so she was very jealous. One joke Ava took away from the show had to do with Wall Street protestors. Kathleen stated that she’s never been mad enough about anything to be willing to camp. That’s exactly what two out of three Sisters say, too. In fact, it’s the concept of camping itself that will cause Amylynn and Ava to take up arms. Down with wilderness!
- Carnival Costumes. Wow – Mardi Gras carnival is fabulous. All the glitter and rhinestones are enough to make a princess wannabe swoon. And where else can you get a bunch of cheap beaded necklaces for next to nothing? Well, besides Chuck-e Cheese, but we were asked to keep our shirts on when visiting that establishment. Nevertheless, the floats, the costumes and masks, the general revelry looks so exciting. One of these days, we all hope to be in Venice for carnival.
- Royal Puppy. Will and Kate got a puppy. A super, duper cute cocker spaniel. This particular breed has never been a favorite of the Sisters, but it’s a puppy. Short of one of those scary hairless dogs from Mexico, we pretty much love all puppies. Here is our concern with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge – they named the dog Lupo. The name is supposed to be derived from the Latin lupus meaning wolf. Yeah – you can name a German Sheppard after lupus. Naming a cocker spaniel after a wolf is just really wishful thinking. We decided that this puppy’s name is actually Willard – not that he has ANYTHING to do with Mitt Romney – but if you look closely, this puppy has Willard written all over him. We’re concerned that Will and Kate don’t have much of a sense of humor.
This was one weird week. Monday and Tuesday we wore sandals, Wednesday it snowed. SNOWED. We don’t live in the desert because we want to mess with temperatures cold enough for snow. Amylynn complained about it to her old friend in Anchorage but he had no sympathy for her. He seemed to think that she didn’t have any room to whine until she had the equal of their 139 inches. That’s just ridiculous. 139 inches. Someone should file a report about that or something. That can’t be right. What really matters is that we’re here – not in Anchorage – and the only weather that really matters is where we are. Snow schnow. Perhaps the Occupy Wall Streeters can add that to their long list of grievances. It’s a good thing these little doozies were around to amuse us.
1. The Walking Dead. You might think that this is cheating because we mentioned the character Daryl before, but it’s not. We pulled out the Five Things Rule Book and nope, so long as we’re not highlighting Daryl we are well within the guidelines. If you’re not watching this AMC show, you’re missing out. It’s a great little drama. Although we will admit we will do things differently during the real zombie apocalypse. It’s really alarming how often these people touch dead zombies and various zombie parts with no gloves. If there was ever a reason to wrap yourself in Saran Wrap this is it. The season is starting out hot – Lori’s upside down in a car and Rick finally grew some balls. It’s gonna be a good season.
2. Artful Vandalism. Don’t get us wrong, vandalism is always bad. Sometimes it’s funny though, too. Like in this instance. Next to the dry cleaners is an empty store front that used to house a scrapbooking store. You may not have inferred that from the strategic scratch-outs suggesting it was Your crapbook Sour – making memories forgettable.
3.Heated seats. It might be a little ridiculous for us to be so thrilled about heated seats in a town that spends well in excess of a hundred days a year over one hundred degrees, but we still are. We have thin blood here in the desert and our tushies get quite chilly on those winter mornings when it’s a frigid 37 degrees. All you readers in much colder climes understand that we know we’re completely absurd, don’t you? We get how crazy we are and we don’t care. We suspect you find it amusing or you wouldn’t keep coming back here for more doses of crazy.
4. Stress Relief. In the form of technical support. More specifically Indian technical support. There may be nothing more satisfying than a long, drawn-out, dramatic sigh and the consequent pause from the tech support person while they determine if you’re still alive on the other end of the phone. Oh, we’re alive alright and you should prepare yourself for Armageddon, my friend, because it’s coming. It’s entirely possible that everything wrong with the world can be traced back to a tech support person. You may think that’s a little harsh but we think that we could play 4.75 degrees of separation with any catastrophe and tech support
5. Behold the pink necklace. Mont Blanc has created this necklace with Her Serene Highness Princess Grace of Monaco in mind. Clearly the Sisters were of a similar mind with the Princess which only goes to prove that our kingdom is out there somewhere waiting for us. We’re going to gather all the change under the couch cushions and car ashtrays until we can gather up enough funds to buy one of our own. The necklace, not the kingdom. We’ll wear it to our coronation. You’re all invited. There’ll be cake: White cake with white frosting and white sprinkles which is not from the Rincon Market.
Well, here we are again. Another Friday. This means that we’ve all survived Monday through Thursday again. That’s saying something since the kid’s grades came out this week, Amylynn caught some sort of Typhoid/Legionnaires/Tuberculosis hybrid, and the Republicans are still making complete asses of themselves. Let’s hope the third week in February is less exciting shall we? It’s probably a futile hope, but we should still make an effort. Even though there wasn’t a lot to recommend this week, there was still some funny stuff.
1. Rachel Gibson.We just got an ARC (Advanced Readers Copy) of her latest book, Rescue Me. It’s a May release so we read it three months early (You’re totally jealous!). For all you Rachel Gibson fans out there, it’s really good, chock full of her trademark wit and superior storytelling. Amylynn especially loves Rachel’s current series because the heroes have focused on the fictional Seattle Chinooks Hockey team – although this latest one only has the barest glimpse of hockey, it does carry over a character from the most recent book. However, because this one is still on the fringes of Amylynn’s favorite sport, she did actually squeal when Rachel mentioned her favorite hockey team, the Phoenix Coyotes. One player was mentioned by name as a favorite of the character in the book – Ed Jovanovski. Unfortunately, Jovi was traded back to Florida in 2011. Rachel picked the wrong player. Shane Doan is the preferred player on the team and always will be. We like him best even if Jovi was still around. If that panda bear smuggling operation turns out alright, Mr.
Doan is next.
2. White cake. The Sisters have found the place of the finest white cake in all of cake making history. We’re not telling you where it is. We told you about the red velvet cupcakes and look how that turned out. You people aren’t to be trusted. If, however, you’re exceedingly nice to us (read: you don’t aggravate the crap out of us on a regular basis) we’ll bring you a piece. Oh, how we love this cake. It comes in pieces about 2×4 inches and all the sides are covered with fabulous white sprinkles and butter crème frosting. Really it’s like having a piece of wedding cake without having to attend a hideous wedding where you have to pretend that drunken aunts doing the chicken dance is cute.
3. Bunny racing.Did you know that there is such a thing as bunny racing? Amylynn saw it on The Amazing Race last season and it was adorable. The WSJ
reported on it again today. Fuzzy bunnies are trained to run obstacle courses with steeples to jump. You’ve never seen anything so cute as floppy-eared bunnies hopping down a lane and popping over little hurdles and stiles. It seems that this “sport” originated in Sweden were apparently all the best bunnies live, and now the activity is catching on in England. We are so in. It seems like bunnies would be more fun to cuddle and cost a lot less than horses. When asked how to pick the perfect bunny, a preeminent bunny trainer suggests, “ You want [a bunny with] a cool, positive attitude.” You can tell the cool bunnies cause they’re off smoking behind the hutch and talking about cars.
4. The Dowager. We love Maggie Smith in any project she takes on. Most recently, Ms. Smith is one of the stars of Downton Abbey, the hugely popular PBS series about the inner workings and lives of a titled English family during World War 1. Kelli is a huge fan of the show and, one of these days, Amylynn and Ava are going to take the time to watch the first season. Maggie Smith plays the Dowager and, because of her station in life, pretty much gets to say whatever she wants. We read the following quote, “I’m a woman, Mary. I can be as contrary as I choose” and decided she was brilliant. We’re going to have t-shirts made.
5. Map Guy. Amylynn and Ava took the opportunity at lunch today to torture the employees at a map store. Ava’s latest work in progress required that she find a topographical map in order to get a real handle on one of the major premises of the plot. It’s not like when create our wants and needs we intend them to be impossible on purpose, it just works out that way. If ever you find the need for a map, we suggest you try our guy. Not only was he really patient and helpful, he was also kind of funny. Kind of funny trumps a lot of other concerns. Concerns like: #1 why could we hear chirping birds INSIDE the store and #2 why did it smell like they were ironing in there. We never did find out the answers to those questions, but Map Guy did find what Ava was looking for – mostly – for a miserly $11.95, which fits nicely within the austerity guidelines Ed has set for Ava. Map Guy probably had to go lie down after we left, but we thought he was lovely.
Did you know Denver is snowed in? Amylynn and Ava have never been happier to live in the desert. Snow is an anathema to those of us who’d just like to get back to sandals. So, we’re really sorry Denver. Sorry it’s supposed to be in the mid to high 70’s here this weekend. NOT! Of course this means that Punxsatawney Phil was a huge disappointment. It really doesn’t matter how cute he is, the hog’s a nuisance. Shove him back in that hole and make him do it again until he gets it right. While we’re waiting for that, here’s some amusing stuff.
1. Pinterest. Amylynn found this extraordinary time waster because of The Bloggess. If you thought you got lost on Facebook, with
Pinterest you’ll never be heard from again. Amylynn and Ava have never really understood the lure of Facebook and Kelli “gets it” but still seems sane about the whole thing. If you have a tendency to turn off your brain and disappear into such time wasting vortexes, then for the love of all that’s holy, don’t sign up for Pinterest. We don’t know if you’ll ever dig your way out after you fall down that rabbit hole. Still, if you want to see what all the fuss is about, follow the link on the right and tell your family you love them before you go.
2. Wall Street Journal. Boy do we love reading a grown up newspaper. Even while it’s good for a laugh, the Local Picayune is a complete joke. Don’t be mistaken that the WSJ is a stodgy, old man’s newspaper. We used to believe that, too, but we assure you it’s not. Besides getting actual news, there are plenty of amusements to be had as well. Just today for instance, this was an article from the Friday Journal section: The 21 Rules of Surviving a Super Bowl Party. Rule #1 informs you The New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Marlins are playing this weekend. The author also suggests you “impress everyone by walking into the party and loudly predicting the Marlins will win by six baskets.” You want to know what’s really funny about that. Amylynn had to double check who the actual teams are who are playing and that, in fact, the Philadelphia Marlins are not a football team at all. What do we care anyway? We’re just in it for the commercials. And the guacamole.
3. Irises. Spring is coming! Except for Denver. The rest of you probably thought it never would. You know whose fault that is? That stupid groundhog. Whatever. We assure you that it is coming. Just around the corner. Maybe next week. Irises are our favorite springtime flower – just in case you feel so inclined to send us some. Soon they will be poking their purple, blue and yellow heads out of the ground and making our front porch ever so pretty. Grow, irises, grow!
4. American Idol Auditions. This is some of the most horrifically bad television ever to grace the airwaves and yet we can’t turn away. We thought all the whack-a-loons had appeared on television already, greedily collecting their fifteen minutes of fame that Facebook didn’t already satisfy. We were wrong. Oh so very, very wrong. Where do these people hide themselves for the rest of the year? What do they do with themselves when the camera isn’t on? Do they fold themselves up like ventriloquist dummies and lock themselves away in a closet for most of the year? Where are their parents? And their parent’s parents? Who encourages these fools? Is there really such a total lack of self awareness out there or are they just messing with us as part of an elaborate inside joke? If some of these people really are approaching these auditions honestly, then they deserve their very own telethon. Whatever the case may be, we’re too entertained to look away.
5. The remote control. We think someone should write a love song to the remote control. We’re not even men (thank Zeus) but we do love us a handy dandy remote control. One of the great tragedies of life is being comfortably ensconced on the sofa or cuddled up in your cozy bed and realize the remote is across the room or, worse yet, missing altogether. And how fantastic is the button that allows you to flip back and forth between two shows? Super fantastic is what it is. And now that there’s TiVo and DVRs – just think how fat we’ll get. Yea us.
Slowly the Quill Sisters are figuring out this technology thing. We’re registering this blog with places people go to find blogs. Not very funny or especially witty but there you have it. We don’t want to work at Bank of No Forks anymore because, honestly, nothing they do there has anything to do with The Quill Sisters and we find that rather dull.
Just disregard this: AMYHJ8B5Y8SA
Thank you, faithful readers.
Love The Quill Sisters
Amylynn and Ava had to go out of town again for Bank of No Forks. We’ve left Kelli to hold down the fort and we really hope it doesn’t get too windy at home. Amylynn and Ava aren’t sure if it’s windy where they are. They’re not allowed outside – the chains on their leg shackles don’t reach as far as the door. The good news is the hotel has magic beds. Magic beds we say! Usually we don’t sleep well in hotels – strange rooms and being all alone doesn’t make for relaxation. Not this time. All you have to do is look at these beds and you’re asleep. While we were able to keep our eyes opened, these things came to our attention.
1. Johnny Depp. Stop the presses. The news has leaked out that our dear Johnny is single again. After 14 years he’s split with his long time girlfriend. We feel bad that his misfortune makes us so happy. This is a text book example of schadenfreude. That doesn’t say nice things about us, but if there’s a chance in hell….we gotta go for it. While we were snooping on the Internet it came to our attention that he’s shooting The Lone Ranger down in Mexico. That is remarkably close to our home base. In fact, we’ll have to drive right through there during Operation Prehensile Porcupine Liberation. We might just be able to liberate a little Depp as well. If the authorities give you a call, remember – you know nothing.
Follow up: We were led astray. He’s not in Mexico. It’s New Mexico. That’s a lot easier to get in and out of since you don’t even need ID to get there.
2. Excuses.We’ve been fascinated by the cruise ship debacle in Italy. Amylynn reads
every newspaper account, transfixed by the unfolding ineptitude and ghastly behavior of the captain of the ship. The Sisters are all parents of small children and, thus, have heard any number of creative excuses ranging from the utterly lame, “I don’t know” and “It wasn’t me” to the rather more interesting one voiced by The Bandit last week for why his room wasn’t clean, “Blame the Republicans.” However, no one has ever heard an excuse so mind bogglingly awful as the one the captain of the grounded ship gave for the reason he was in a lifeboat while his crew and passengers panicked on the ship. He told them he “tripped and fell into a lifeboat.” Holy crap, Batman. Can you believe he even had the balls to say something so outrageous? Us either.
3. People Watching. The Sisters are card carrying members of the People Watching Elite. We’re like people watching ninjas. We’d like to say we went to the Mossad School of People Watching but we are totally not that subtle. Kelli spends a lot of time working in Starbucks – Ava and Amylynn think she does that just to make us jealous. It’s totally working by the way. Anyway, Starbucks has plenty of people worth watching. Amylynn and Ava have been in quite a few airports and hotels lately and, Yowza! – there are some seriously wack-a-loon people out there. Just this morning a shoeless drunkard asked us for directions to the buffet.
4. Misidentification. Congress has come to its senses a bit. All right, let’s not get crazy. When we called our Congressperson to voice our wants and needs pertaining to the SOPA/PIPA legislation, the person answering the phone didn’t even know what the legislative was about. That horrified us a bit. When another congressperson suggested that perhaps, as a whole, the legislative branch of government might need some advising on the technical aspects of the internet, he said, “Bring on the nerds.” It was Jon Stewart who set him straight saying, “uh, don’t you mean experts?” We just love Jon Stewart. We love everything about him from his razor sharp wit offset by his silliness to his salt and pepper hair. In fact, the Sisters might have a bit of a crush.
Ava would also like to point out that he’s left handed…like that means anything just because she is.
5. Swedish Fish. Did you know that you can buy a giant bag of Swedish Fish at the Costco? We didn’t either. Someone naively suggested that they would go stale before you eat them. Silly Rabbit. There is no way Swedish Fish would go stale in the twenty minutes it would take us to eat them. Amylynn bought some at the Walgreens (there’s one on every corner. It is our theory that they are quietly trying to take over the world. That would actually be fine since they sell Swedish Fish.) while she was out of town. Once the other girls found out she had them, she had to lock them in the room safe.
Ooooh, Friday the 13th. Don’t talk to people in hockey masks. Well, unless they’re Mike Smith from the Coyotes. He’s been rockin’ it lately. But then we don’t think Mike Smith is a serial killer. In fact, there haven’t been any NHL players proven to be serial killers. So let’s recap: Don’t talk to people in hockey masks who you suspect are serial killers. You know, we think that might be a pretty good life philosophy in general. That’s enough talk about serial killers – they’re not even a little bit funny. The following stuff, however, is funny, life affirming and generally amusing.
1. Willie Nelson. It has come to our attention that Willie owns a house in our town. Apparently, he visits when he’s not trying to get his pot filled tour buses through border check points. One of our husband’s friends was at a little bar in town and saw him there. The friend sidled up to Mr. Nelson and asked what he was doing there since he didn’t have a show in town. “I have a house here,” Mr. Nelson informed him. You know what this means, don’t you? Now we have to spend all our time sitting in an old cowboy bar like Pancho and Lefty stalkers so we can tell him he’s Always On Our Mind before he’s On The Road Again. We’re Crazy like that. What are the odds that Waylon Jennings might visit because that could potentially put us over the top.
2. Fish Oil. Ick. Ava read somewhere that it helps you lose weight. The doctor says it lowers your cholesterol. All we know is that we’re eating fish oil pills like their freaking candy instead of following a sensible diet. Our theory is, the fish oil makes the fish skinny so why not us. Have you ever seen a fat fish? No, you haven’t. Whales aren’t fish. They’re fat little mammals just like the rest of us. We’re not sure how they get fish oil. We assume they squeeze fish until it all leaks out. We also hope fish oil has the benefit of making us smarter. You be the judge.
3. Employee of the Month. We’re all so proud that we know the Employee of the Month at the The Library of Stuff No One Cares About. This is quite an achievement and it should look excellent on the resume he’s handing out while begging other companies to employ him. We’re sure he’s an excellent librarian since we know for certain he knows his whole alphabet. We think he was a shoo-in since he doesn’t usually sleep at his desk like SOME people he knows. We think we should celebrate. Let’s go to a little bar we know and hang out with a Red Headed Stranger.
4. Target. What is there to say about Target? It’s like the Quill Sister’s Holy Land. Pretend like the Pharmacy counter is the Wailing Wall and the clearance section in the women’s department is La Pieta. If you wander over to the paperback books on a Tuesday it feels just like Mecca. We’re there at least once a week to pester poor Ichabod the Pharmacist or to buy forks for the Bank of No Forks or to replace yet another winter coat for a six year old who’s going to get this one stapled on his little shoulders if he doesn’t cut that crap out. The magic doors open, you hear a choir of angels herald your arrival and the Starbucks lady starts up your latte. AND you can get an adorable cardigan for 4.99. LAAAAA!
5. Yoga postures.Perhaps the people who came up with the names for yoga poses weren’t getting enough oxygen to their brains. The Turtle looks nothing like a turtle. Locust? Who
wants to look like a locust, and just exactly how svelte is a locust anyway? Sun Salutation? We don’t salute anything unless it’s got butter cream frosting on it. You should be able to remember what the poses look like by their names. When that stupid little girl in front of the class tells you to do King of the Dance you should be able to remember that has nothing to do with the Hustle and John Travolta. How about a little truth in advertising here? Half Moon posture? What the hell? Accomplished posture? We seriously doubt it. Corpse Posture and Half Spinal Twist Posture – that we can buy into.