But honestly, with the exception of the snake and probably the newt, we’d take any of those other options as well. God, we do love a goofy dog.

We’re desperately worried about the World’s Greatest Receptionist. She’s off in Mexico this weekend at a family wedding. We’re all for destination weddings when they’re in Fiji. Or New Orleans. Or places where random drug lords don’t steal American citizens and chop their heads off. We begged her to keep her head down and not sass anyone, but who are we kidding. She’s one of us. We don’t think it’s within her power to keep the sass inside. Her head is likely to explode. We don’t think her plan of screeching, “Get your hands off me. I’m an American!” is going to help anyone. Keep your eyes peeled on the news. This stuff should keep you occupied with giggles until then.

1. Jared Leto. No one should be surprised by this pick.  Of course, Jared is a favorite thing this week. How can he not be? A. Ava thinks he’s adorable. B. We get to put up another picture of him. C. She got to annoy Amy about him all week.  That’s a triple people. WIN WIN WIN! (Amylynn here – I think he wears the facial hair so that people will be sure he’s a boy. A very pretty boy.)

2. Appetizers. We met our friend Pumpkin again today to whine about the state of publishing, to gossip about books and writers we’re reading, and to plan our world domination of the publishing world. This time we met at Chili’s. “Meh,” was our opinion when it was suggested. However, when we got there we ordered the soft pretzels with cheese sauce and salt. OOOOh, mama. They were super yummy, super soft, and just the right amount of tang. THEN we had a warm skillet chocolate chip cookie with ice cream. Honest to god, it’s a miracle we’re not 5,000 pounds. Our opinion of Chili’s has swung the other direction.

3. Best mug…EVER. At our local writers group meeting, we have a raffle every month of fun stuff our membership brings in. This last week we wanted a mug that was up for the offing. We wanted it bad. Or badly. We always screw up those adverbs. Anyway, we coveted that mug. This is what it says: YOU ARE A BRILLIANT WRITER. Seriously, you are the freaking queen of story. When you approach your computer, the keyboard trembles, just the tiniest bit, because it knows something awesome is coming. That is how much you rock. Now get back to work. You got this. Talk about motivation with caffeine. It’s brilliant. Anyway, sad story short, we didn’t win. It took only minutes to find the cup on Zazzle and buy two. Go here to get your own. They have them for boys, too, if you’re not comfortable being a Queen.

4. Finding new authors. The Sisters really love to read. REALLY LOVE TO READ. Obviously. All writers love to read. The problem is that most writers are too busy writing to read. It’s a real tragedy. Seriously. Anyway, this week both of the Sisters have found new authors. Well, new to us. These particular authors have been around for a while, but sadly we didn’t get to them. It’s that writing thing I mentioned. We introduce you to Courtney Milan and Jennifer Armentrout (sometimes writing as J. Lynn). Courtney wrote a stunning book that finaled in the Rita Awards (the Oscars of Romance) called The Countess Conspiracy.  It’s fantabulously glorious – the story is atypical of a historical and worth whatever money you spend on it. Jennifer wrote Stay With Me – a book that jettisoned right to the best seller lists upon its release and the reason is clear. Jennifer really has a handle on this New Adult subgenre. Both of these books were from a series so that is bad for the Sisters ’cause we just don’t have this kind of time.

5. Quitting like a boss. We’ve shared with you before several different ways people have dramatically quit their jobs. We remember one in particular that involved a marching band. This lady worked as a news reporter in Alaska. She was also apparently the owner of a Alaskan Cannabis Club. We don’t know if the station was being difficult about her other employment or what, but the way she quits is dramatic. The kind of quitting you don’t come back from. While on the air, she says, “Fuck it. I quit.” You can’t start applauding yet though because when the camera flashed back to the stunned anchor she is all over the place. The station apologized and stated that she’d been fired, but we’re thinking they don’t have a time machine so… Anyway, good luck to you Charlo Greene and all your efforts. We hope to have the opportunity to quit like you one day.

And you people wonder why Ava and I want a goat so badly.

Really. Magical goats?

We need a bouncy one

Magical goats who can drive?

What’s not to want?

We figure if we get them young enough we can teach them to use their powers for good.

We told you once before that we’d watched the worst movie in the history of cinematography. That had been a bold-faced lie. LIE.

Ava made us watch Alexander (2004) because Jared Leto is in it.

We beg you to save yourselves two hours and forty-five minutes of torture and don’t watch it. You think, “So many outstanding actors are in it, how bad could it be?” Let us give you a few ideas of exactly how bad it is.

All the togas are WAY too short. WAY TOO SHORT. We think they must have gotten an amazing deal on white sheets from Sears. There are several instances where we’re certain the costume people stole the bathrobes from the local Hilton. And at one time Alexander is wearing a sheer peignoir. We swear to Zeus.

“How is the hair?” you ask. ABYSMAL. Who exactly thought Colin Ferrell would look good as a blond? He doesn’t. (Ava here – Jared’s hair looks

Pretty, pretty Jared Leto

amazing because it’s his.)

Also, the blood used in the fight scenes looks like they stole the ketchup from Craft services. And there is some bizarre yellow substance that might have been mustard. Who knows? We surely don’t.

We can’t explain why approximately 24% of the cast had one eye. Seriously, we’re not making that up. Lest you think the costume people weren’t on top of their shit – one scene contains a drawn on eyeball on a blind man.

Every single actor in it has outstanding eyeliner. Especially, Jared.

We never could understand what accent they were using. It seemed to alter from scene to scene. Angelina Jolie starts out with an Italian accent and at some point it morphs into Russian.

It’s all fun and games until Val Kilmer loses an eye.

Oliver Stone was apparently on hallucinatory drugs when he conceived of this. We think all of the famous actors signed on because of the other famous actors who signed on. Anyway, that’s what we assume Christopher Plummer was thinking. Then they spent the remainder of their time together drunk.

The gorgeous horse committed suicide by spear just to get out of the damn thing. We would have too.

Ava here – Jared dies at the end. It’s a horrible death scene but Jared still looks good anyway. I stopped watching at this point because what was the point after that? Amylynn here – it IS a horrible death scene and Jared does NOT look good in it. They made him die with his eyes open with horrific makeup. A travesty.

The disc informed us that at 2 hours and 47 minutes it was shorter than the theatrical version. WHAT THE HELL DID THEY TAKE OUT? What was so much worse that the director was embarrassed to include it? Oliver Stone needs a slap.

The Sisters are shunning George Clooney. We really wanted to be happy for him and his lovely new bride Amal Alamuddin. Therein lies the crux of

Aman Hotel where they got married. We’d LOVE to stay here.

the problem.

George actually got married. He actually did it.

We’re so proud of his choice, too. Amal is a lovely, brilliant woman. That was one of our favorite things about Georgie. He pretty much always had well-chosen ladies–not twinkies, and that’s admirable. We’re certain

This was probably his expression when he found out we’re pissed.

there were plenty of twinkies throwing themselves at him.

You see, we greatly admire George. We greatly admire Amal.

Where the hell was our invitation?

Venice, Italy is in the top three places the Sisters want to go–right up there with Rome and Paris (half of us have already been to Paris and the other half is pissy about it.) But Venice. Oh Venice.

We would have brought a lovely present. Probably something from Tiffany. Well, at the very least something from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The guest list was amazing but the one celebrity that made us go WHAT!!! was the arrival of John Krasinski–Jim from The Office. And Bill Freaking Murray.

You know what we got to do this weekend? NOT A GOD DAMNED THING.

And now we’re not speaking to him.

Amylynn has a cold that will certainly progress to bubonic plague by the weekend. Ava doesn’t seem to care. She’s gonna care when there’s no one to drive her around on all her errands. Like to Chipotle. If Amylynn dies, you can be assured that the stock price of Chipotle will go down considerably simply because Ava won’t be able to eat there ninety times a week. Just like Joan Rivers, Amylynn has made her funeral wishes well known. She want’s mourners and wailers at the grave site–even if it that means they have to be hired. Also, a New Orlean’s jazz band to lead the procession. There’ll be cake. Wait – that’s probably why Ava isn’t worried about her dying. There’ll be cake. (Ava here – she’s fine, this is all just drama.) Ah, dammit. Alright, before we get too depressed, let’s talk about funny stuff. Like this stuff.

1. Outstanding facial hair. We found this gentlemen at our favorite café today while the Sisters were working on their writing projects. Amylynn did her best to be surreptitious about taking this picture, but she’s not as stealthy as the World’s Greatest Receptionist, and we suspect he knew it was happening. We really hope you can see the mustache on this fellow. It was glorious. He had it twirled up into two spectacular curls. And his beard was full and bushy with matching whitest-white hair underneath that cool hat. Wait a minute. He actually might have been Santa Claus on a last minute break before the silly season begins. Dear Santa, please note how good Ava and Amylynn have been. We’ve really been making an effort.

2. The most fun app. As you probably know, the Sisters DO NOT like having their pictures taken. NOT. In fact, it causes us to have hives. And bad attitudes. So imagine our surprise when the WGR showed us this iPhone app, MomentCam, that makes caricatures from your photos. There are a million scenarios and templates to chose from. Basically, all that’s left of our own face is the eyes. Score! And the app was FREE!

3. You go, Hermione! If you haven’t seen Emma Watson’s speech #HeForShe at the United Nations, please go watch it now. It’s not long. What she says is beautiful. We’re raising both daughters and sons, and it would be nice if we were in a perfect world. It turns out that Emma is quite brilliant at celebrity. We’d say kudos to her stylist and yay to her parents. What a cute, smart, lovely young woman. We’ll bet she never rolls her eyes and says, “Whatever” to her mother.

4. Werewolf kittens. So guess what. We totally want one of these. No, that’s not true. We want a bunch of these. They are so freaking cute! They’re cat’s with a genetic mutation that causes them to have no undercoat and two different colors of hair – black and white. Additionally, their cute little faces and their feet are often almost hairless, making them look like little wolves. Werewolves more specifically. Who the hell doesn’t want a werewolf kitten? Who? Those people are wrong. We’re so excited about the possibility we can’t even think clearly enough to come up with the right name. Ooooooh, we’re excited.

5. Designer Kleenix. OK, this is a real thing. Seriously. Amylynn went to the store to get more Kleenix. She’s gone through three noses and 47 boxes so far with this cold and she needed another box. She stood in front of the enormous tissue selection, on the verge of overwhelmed, and looked for a box that promised healing powers of untold magnitude. That wasn’t to be found. We think that’s because the tissue people secretly hate noses. This is what she found instead. Isaac Mizrahi does Kleenix. Does anyone really need this? Before we get all the way on our annoyed soapbox let’s just ask a couple questions. Does Isaac perhaps use a gentle flannel or perhaps a brushed cotton? We’ll take every mean thought back if Isaac is using silk. We think we’d appreciate silk tissues. Wait, isn’t that a handkerchief? (Ava here – this is all drama, she’s fine, really.)

As you all know, the Quill Sisters don’t just write, they also read. A lot.  Sometimes, they’ll read anything they can get their hands on. Which brings me to an essay I read at the back of a fashion magazine. The gist of the story was about rich people and how they spend their money. The essay ends with a story about a man and his issue with gravel. It seems, he does not like gravel driveways because the small bits of rock get stuck in his tires and then make a sound. He does not want to hear this sound – ever. He abhors this sound so much, and this is true, he PAYS a worker(s) to remove the gravel from his tires morning, noon, and night.

What is really funny about this story, besides the obvious, is how it illustrates that while the Quill Sisters think and act very similar, we do have differences. I read the end of the story to Amy and she laughed and was glad she never met this man because she would not behave well in his presence. Amy would just look at him like he was insane – because he is – and be on her way.

The HORROR – but don’t worry, he ends up happy

I, on the other hand, would question him about every aspect of his gravel hate. Did the hate come on gradually or slowly, rock by rock? How much does one pay to remove gravel from ones tires? Is it an hourly job or salaried? Is there just one person who does it? Is that all the person does? If the man is busy and it’s noon does he stop what ever he’s doing and go home to the “rock remover”? Does he think there are enough people like him to necessitate inventing a tire that repels gravel? What happens if he losses his fortune and has to file bankruptcy like Donald Trump – does he get over his problem or does he pick the rocks out himself? Does he consider this to be the teenage white-girl problem that it is? Can you write the cost off on your taxes? Can we see the operation performed?

Here’s what happens at the end of these situations as Amy is grabbing my arm, hard, and steering me away:

Amy – Why do you do that?  That man is clearly insane and you just encouraged him.

Me – Are you kidding? When are we ever going to meet another crazy person like that again?! When he dies, gravel haters will be extinct and then we’ll never get our questions answered. He needs to be a character in one of your books.

Amy – Who’re you kidding? You chatted him up to annoy me. Admit it, you did.

Me – Here’s the plot. Man hires boy, who is really a girl, man discovers ruse, falls in love with her due to her amazing gravel removing skills, and they live happily ever after. It’s called “Gone with the Gravel”.

You’re welcome, Amy.

I have a really bad cold and I blame the kids. You know them, the bringers of plague.

Anyway, my nose is raw and alternately pouring out snot like a faucet or as dry as James Bond’s martini.

My throat is killing me.

My eyes are itchy and they burn, and I’m pretty sure the last time I blew my nose something icky came out of the left eye.

I have a headache.

And I’m crabby.

When I’m dead, you’re all going to be sorry you were mean to me.

The World’s Greatest Receptionist and I went to an actual video rental store today. We simply couldn’t wait any longer for Dexter’s final season to arrive from Netflix.

We’d forgotten that an actual rental place still existed, but it totally does!

So WGR and I jumped in Dave and sped a little over a mile to the store. We were greeted with the smell of popcorn.

A DVD rental store with fresh popcorn?

Guess what else they had? Guess. You’re never gonna guess, so I’ll tell you. They had beer on tap.

ON TAP!

That’s exactly what we thought.

We did not partake in the beer, though we wanted to. We do enough nonsense at work at Bank of No Forks without actually drinking on the job. That’s an invisible line we’ve not crossed. Invisible lines are super tricky.

Anyway, we entered that store like the whirlwind we are–alarming the other patrons and befuddling the staff. The gentleman who assisted us handled us better than most. Even when we suggested that the best solution for dealing with stupid people, of which we ALL agreed there are many, was to punch them in the throat. WGR disclosed it was actually a pretty tough thing to accomplish. Have you ever tried to punch someone in the throat? People are cagey about their necks in general.

ANYWAY

We didn’t threaten anyone in the store. In fact, we love those people and we’re 100% certain that they’re thrilled to receive our business. On a continuous basis. Since we travel in a small gang.

Just keep the free popcorn coming and maybe we’ll stop in for a beer in the afternoon.

September 22 was Elephant Appreciation Day. We appreciate elephants. Especially this little dolly just born at our local zoo.