This is how we live our lives.

 We don’t approve of pain, therefore we NEVER suppress and eye roll.

Just say no.

We love Simon’s Cat.

You’re welcome.

On the last day of our vacation, we went to the beach. We did this because my family deeply desired it. Me, not so much. Going to beaches is not high on my list of stuff I need to do. I’m willing to do it though because I love my family.

Lovely Cocoa Beach

Once upon a time, I loved the beach. Or rather I loved the idea of the beach. I had fantasies that I would become a pro surfer and live in a shack on the beach. Of course, it would be a comfortable shack with running water and air conditioning. I want you to know that I lived in Arizona–where there is NO BEACH–and I never actually touched a surf board. The irony of it all is that I burst into flames when I go out into the sun. Eventually my surfing dream died. Luckily it didn’t burn to death. No, it died because I decided I would want a career where I could make some actual money. And not be eaten by a shark. Or drown.

I’ve explained this here before. I can get a sunburn walking to the mail box and back. This is not a joke.

Nevertheless, I went to Cocoa Beach, Florida. There was some appeal because it just so happened that Cocoa Beach was were Captain Nelson found the bottle Jeannie lived in on I Dream of Jeannie. I could really use a genie bottle. I have my three wishes picked out and everything.

I looked all over that beach. High and Low. On the sand and under the water.

No genie bottle.

No, instead I found a sunburn. A fairly epic sunburn, actually.

Yes, I did use sunscreen. In fact, I applied it twice in the few hours I was outside. I even hid under beach towels. It didn’t matter.

I haven’t slept in three days and, at the risk of a huge TMI moment, I’ll tell you I couldn’t wear a bra in the airport on the way home. I had to glide as I walked to keep things from jiggling. I still can’t wear a seatbelt without crying. Such is the magnitude of this burn. OW!

If I did find a genie, the first wish would be No More Sunburns.

I’m sending you the 5 Things this week from Florida. After a week here, we have moss growing in places we didn’t expect. We’ve been paying our homage to the Mouse and to all things Hollywood at Universal. The people watching has been outstanding, let me tell you. Sometimes I’m deeply concerned about the state of our citizenry. Back at the home front, apparently Jojo Kitty terrorized his Aunt. When she came over to feed my fuzzy children, she thought there was a dead snake in his water bowl. Apparently, I forgot to warn her that he is a bit on the sadistic side and I failed to mention that he likes to drown his toys. There was a purple pipe cleaner floating in the water and she was duly terrorized. I’d feel really bad if it wasn’t so funny. Here are some of the best things I encountered while on vacation.

1. My children are wimps. And much like Ava’s children, find me very embarrassing. Or scary. I’m not sure exactly. What it all boils down to is that they wouldn’t allow me to terrorize them on the Haunted House ride. They wouldn’t even sit with me in the little carriage. This may have had something to do with the fact that I kept practicing my evil laugh while in line. BwaHahahahahaha. I’m pretty good at it by now. At least the other people by us in line thought so. Some people just don’t appreciate my talents.

2. Harry Potter. I can’t tell you how much I got my geek on while in the Harry Potter land at Universal. I was sorely disappointed that they only had the Hogsmeade side open and not the Diagon Alley portion. Still, the castle at Hogwarts was astounding and the ride really awesome. I got to go into Olivanders Wand Shop and I touched all the wands. I got Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans and some Chocolate Frogs. I haven’t even opened them up yet to see which wizarding cards I got. Seriously, I’m so in love.

3. Arya retweeted me! I sent the following tweet when leaving the Magic Kingdom today: After 14 hours at Disney World I wish I had Hodor to carry me out of this park. #disneyworld #gameofthrones. Arya Stark of GOT_Arya retweeted it. I realize that it wasn’t the actual Arya – she’s a fictional character, duh. I also know that it wasn’t even the actress. She’s very young and probably should have been in bed already. I understand that in all reality it was some schmo or even just an engine that retweets everything with their hashtag attached, but I don’t care. ARYA RETWEETED ME! I’m famous. (OK – I just looked back and Arya only favorited my tweet. That’s a bit of a let down, don’t you think?)

4. Air conditioning. When I was a kid and we used to go to Mexico for vacation–this was before the drug mobs used to cut off people’s heads and kidnap tourists–we were always amused because shops and restaurants would advertise themselves as having “Ice cold air conditioning” as a lure to get you inside. That could totally work down here in Florida, too. It’s so miserable; I can’t breath. Or maybe I can’t breath because I was not born with gills, which I have determined are essential in dealing with the humidity down here. The whole time I’ve been looking for Mickey Mouse when I probably should have been looking for Aquaman.

5. Not being at work. There you go. enough said.

Hey! Hello from the land of humidity! Holy Crap! I always forget how outrageously humid it is here. The desert where I’m from is hot. Like HOT, but it’s a dry heat. Most of the time, us Arizonans just want to smack anyone who says that inane phrase because 117 degrees is HOT no matter what bullshit you call it. A dry heat means that, when you go outside, your hair catches on fire and your face melts. Here in Florida, there’s so much moisture in the air that I’m pretty sure I’d be better off wearing water wings than make-up.

We flew for 75 hours, switched planes in Denver, and landed in Orlando on Saturday.

Our resort is gorgeous. The house is huge. The children are in a separate wing.  It’s heaven.

We went to get groceries for our time share–to make breakfast. I swear. I’m not crazy enough to consider cooking meals on vacation. We will however, make breakfast cause that affords me an extra 15 or 20 minutes of sleep a day. I love sleep. Especially on vacation.

Blahahahaahahaha

Anyway, at the grocery store I took a picture of the Mexican Food Section because it was hysterical. Remember, I’m from the home of the best Mexican food in the entire world–including actual Mexico–and this was an abomination. The tortillas were made in Georgia. Sweet Jesus (that’s pronounce Hay-zeus because we’re taking about Mexican food. Clever, eh?).

Much to Ava’s chagrin, we didn’t go to Walt Disney World on Sunday. Or Monday. Or Tuesday. “WHAT?” she shrieked via text.

We’ve not been to Universal Studios Orlando, so that’s what we did Monday and Tuesday. And we’re exhausted. HOWEVER, I did get to go to Harry Potter Land–or whatever the hell they call it–and it was AWESOME!!! We bought wands. Of course, I bought Severus Snape’s wand because I’ve long had a

Don’t do it!

crush on both Severus and Alan Rickman. My kids have been flashing their wands at everyone yelling Avada Kedavra. I have no idea where my children got the desire to off everyone. Based on yesterday’s blog, maybe it’s from their Aunt Ava.

Sassy, The Bandit, and Phil

I got a weird variation on my Chocolate Covered Frozen Banana requirement. I ALWAYS eat one in Disneyland. Always. It’s not to be debated. It’s an homage to my grandmother, Adabelle. Anyway, I decided to try one at Universal. It was a mistake. It was NOT the same and the tradition has not been altered. I’ll have to get one on Thursday when we head over to the Magic Kingdom. Just so you know, colored sprinkles seem like a good idea, but they’re not.

The next day we found a Minion. I want one of my very own, but I got in trouble when I tried to take this one home. The people at Universal can’t take a joke.

There was a big Lucille Ball exhibit. We do indeed Love Lucy. One of the things included were scads of her awards. There were Emmys and various keys to various cities and a whole bunch of others honors. Then there was this. I’d tell you what it was, but I have no freaking idea. Look at how tarnished it is. This is awful. I know a certain World’s Greatest Receptionist who is a mighty fine silver polisher. I understand she’s bored and lonely right now so Universal should hit her up.

One last thing before I sign off.

The resort we’re at shares a property line with Disney’s Wild Kingdom (or whatever the hell they call it). This is very, very exciting. I’m keeping a very close ear to the ground regarding escaped animals. If a lion should happen to wander over to our house, I have a plan. There’s a screened in porch right on the 9th green that would make a very cozy den until I figure out how to get a crate suitable for shipping.

Don’t act all surprised if you hear anything on the news.

So while we were screwing around this week, we took one of those silly quizzes on the internet to find out what our Game Of Thrones warrior name would be. This gave us a quite a laugh. Ready? Ava was Ava “The Virgin” Bright – Mother of Winter. The virgin? Really? Clearly, they don’t know about her two kids or that any temperature under 50 makes Ava declare it winter. Amylynn’s was incredibly apt. Amylynn “The Ghost” Bright – Lover of Sleep. It’s like they know her! Lover of Sleep! That’s awesome. Amylynn and the Family Bright leave for Disneyworld. Blogging will be taken over by Ava. Or there’s always the possibility that Amylynn’s OCD will run amok and she’ll blog from there. She’s crazy like that. Anyway, here’s the funny stuff from this week.

1. Lynx and Calico sitting in a tree… We love this story.  Near a Russian zoo, a cute stray kitty was very hungry. So hungry, she wandered into the lynx enclosure to steal a snack. Pretty brave, eh? Fortunately, the resident lynx was lonely. Well, lonely no more! Now they’re best friends, inseparable, cuddle buddies. The zoo has adopted the cat so that they can be kept together. Isn’t that adorable? We love adorable kittens of any size. We refuse to discriminate. We’re equal opportunity lovers of the fuzz. You can follow the jump to see a video of kitty lovin’.

2. Fuzzy opportunity times 3. These are black-footed kittens. These two and a brother were all born at the Philadelphia Zoo. We don’t know how this is possible, but it’s true–we didn’t know such animals existed. Now we know everything about them. That’s what gangs do before they plan a heist. They plan, plan, plan. These are the kittens we were born to have. They’re wild BUT they only end up around seven pounds when fully grown. No one would notice a seven pound cat as unusual. It’s not like they’re a tiger or anything. Oh, this is gonna happen. We’ve already ordered the Black-footed Kitten Chow from Amazon.

3. And now we take a moment for some bears. A mama bear and her two cubs have been running around Anchorage stealing pic-i-nic baskets just like Yogi and Boo-boo. Actually in truth, they’re lunch boxes they stole from kids at day camp. The Bandit is always losing his lunch box and this is the only excuse Amylynn is willing to accept at this point. And we’re going to need photographic proof. Even better would be an actual bear . Yep, we’re gonna need a bear with a lunchbox.

4. Cute little old ladies. They may not be fuzzy, but most of the time, little old ladies are cute. Especially when they’re 102 and they knit baby blankets for the babies in the neonatal unit at the hospital. Amylynn’s oldest was a preemie who got a blanket like that when she was in the NICU. We have no idea if this cute little old lady is the same one, but anything’s possible. We’re going to be old soon. Maybe we should learn to knit. With cat and bear hair. People will buy anything on Etsy.

5. Crappy coronation. Spain’s King Juan Carlos abdicated his throne to his son this week. Crown Prince Felipe is planning very low-key festivities. There will be no ritzy celebration. He feels that Spain is in an economic crisis and the people would not appreciate that sort of expenditure. That’s why the Sisters refused their invitation when it came by special messenger . We’re not flying all the way over to Spain for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Then we saw this desk in a news story. Look at this thing. Sweet Jesus! Sell the desk and then it’s caviar for everyone! That thing is UGLY.

Dave’s back!

I picked him up after his two 1/2 weeks in rehab. Or after his failed love affair. Or jury duty. Or Disney. Or his rollicking good time in Tijuana. Or whatever the hell he was up to.

I’ll be het thought he was at the spa. The Dodge Spa. Where everything massage costs $500.

Either way, he cost a freaking fortune so he better behave himself in the future.

When I went to pick him up there may have been tears–and not just from Dave. Ava hugged him. Or sorta. She was wearing white so that would have been stupid in real life. I know the mechanic was happy to see him go.

I’m certain he was tired of all the weepy phone calls. Dave’s a bit of a drama queen.

I really wish I was kidding when I tell you that I still don’t have Dave the Durango back yet. I have been promised tomorrow, but I’m afraid to get my hopes up.

So essentially, Dave has been having a hell of a vacation for over two weeks. We began to wonder what the hell he’s been up to.

Since it’s summer and they’re out of school, there have been various rugrats in our office.  Most of the time it’s not a problem, except that we don’t like them really knowing for sure that we don’t do anything around here. When they see that we do puzzles and watch movies then they seem to think they can come all the time. That’s not going to happen. They’d cramp our style.

Anyway, one of the children was here for most of the day. He belongs to Missy and he’s a good quiet kid.

So we thought we’d reward him for behaving himself by letting him go on a frozen yogurt run with us. We personally thought that was a reward. Apparently, his mother was concerned about letting him go anywhere with The Sisters and The World’s Greatest Receptionist. We think she was just concerned with him being exposed to our bad behavior.

Maybe she has a point.

We were loud and obnoxious when we got out of the car, but that’s typical. The Boy hung in there with us because he’s been raised to be very polite. You know the sort–No, ma’am, Yes ma’am.

“Okay,” WGR instructed. “The secret is to go in there like you own the place.”

“Yep,” Ava agreed. “That’s the way it’s done.”

We got in the yogurt line and served ourselves. This is the only place we want this to happen. Everywhere else, we need wait staff. We filled up our cups with yummy stuff and got in line.

Amylynn looked down at The Boy’s cup. There was a tiny dribble of yogurt and a bunch of marshmallows. “What the hell, boy? You get back in there and get some yogurt. What’s wrong with you?” The Boy dutifully returned a second later with a fuller cup. It was still measly. “You have five dollars for ice cream. Use all of it.”

We got back to the office and The Boy told his mother what lunatics we were.

“See that’s how peer pressure starts. They bully you with yogurt and then…”

Once again, The Sisters are a cautionary tale.