So much boredom.

There was a guy in from corporate today (Monday) so we had to put away all our toys and pretend like we have 8 hours of work every day.

The first six hours weren’t so bad until we realized it was only 10:00.

It was agony. I have the first two discs of Breaking Bad’s final season sitting at my desk. There are five jigsaw puzzles waiting to be assembled. No one’s hair was curled. No fingernails were painted. I didn’t even work on my own laptop so no real writing got done.

It was awful.

And we get to do it all over again on Tuesday.

We’ll probably all slip quietly into comas.

So. Did you see that huge cloud of negativity hovering over the Southwestern desert this weekend. It was because I had to have new headshots taken.

Riiiiiiight

As far as I can see, this is the biggest problem with success in publishing. People seem to want a photo of you. That whole idea fills me with stomach roiling anxiety. I know you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. The only thing worse than having my picture taken would be if I had to have it done with a spider. Honest to Zeus, that would probably kill me.

Ava tried to make it better for me by finding artistic pictures we could try to copy. Pictures like this of Meryl Streep or this one by Julia Roberts. As much as she tried to help, this made things worse. Sweet Jesus, look who I have to try to emulate here. The only thing Julia and I have in

Yeah, this was gonna happen

common is red hair, and even then, she wears it much better than me. Hold on a second, I have to go throw up.

I’m back.

So we struggled to find a photographer which, through no fault of our own, was much harder than it had to be. We finally lit on a lovely lady who did a good job considering what she had to work with. More on that later.

We made a hair and makeup appointment. We hardly even made ourselves a nuisance at the salon since I was so freaked out I couldn’t even muster some good sarcasm. Ava had no wing man for any of her volleys.

We brought props. None of which we really used after all. One was sunglasses – see Meryl. We have a few in those. I assure you I DO NOT look like Meryl in them, but they were handy because it was super bright out. Super bright and WINDY. WTF, Nature? We also brought a gray cable knit sweater – see Julia. I will assure you that one reason I do not look anything like Julia in them was that it was 98 degrees outside and I was in a turtleneck. The reason she’s probably pulling that thing away from her face wasn’t to be artistic. It was probably because she was quickly melting. I assure you I was. MEEEEEEEELTING. That made me testy. Sorta like the Wicked Witch of the West. Undoubtedly, the similarities didn’t end there. I’m sure you can imagine how pleasant I was during the whole ordeal as I’ve already explained my anxiety, heat level and even my general contentiousness on a good day.

I brought a top hat. I thought it was whimsical. Turns out it was stupid. Ava brought a cool Frank Sinatra kinda hat. It was stupid, too. There was a tea-cup that went unused and a laptop that never made its presence known either.

Lovely Photographer took 168 photographs. We found 10 that don’t make we want to jump off a bridge. Lovely Photographer will Photoshop them and hopefully remove all the ugly. Then we’ll see what we end up with.

All I know is, I’m never, never doing this again.

Ever.

Since Ava gave you an example the other day of how she’s crazy, I thought I would do the same.

I have conversations with people who aren’t there. Not in a I see dead people sort of way. I have conversations with people I know in anticipation of seeing them later. Sadly, I’m often angry at that person and the conversation I’m having with them is often in the form of a fight.

So, let’s recap. I’m having arguments with people who aren’t there. And getting increasingly angry about it.

Sometimes this happens in dreams. I’ll wake up after a dream where I’ve been mad at my husband. I will still be angry when I see him later. FOR NO

These are intended to make you feel less INSANE

REASON. I realize this is TOTALLY irrational, but I can’t help it.

This morning at the Bank of No Forks our usual security guard had some court thing so his boss came for the beginning of his shift. I need to disclose that I can not stand this man. I don’t know why, exactly. He just rubs me the wrong way. It may have stemmed from an episode wherein he gave me unsolicited dieting advice. The man is at least 300 pounds. I don’t want to hear shit from him. Look at me, I’m getting all irritated all over again.

So let me set up today’s scene. We’re having a potluck at work for no particular reason.  I had three grocery bags, a paper bag with a giant salad bowl and tongs, a dozen daffodils, my computer bag and my monster purse. That’s a lot of crap to haul across the parking lot. As I was pulling into my spot I started working into an imaginary fight. I just KNEW that lazy bastard wasn’t going to open the door for me, so I started writing the dialogue of our fight.

By the time I reached the sidewalk, the dressing down I was going to give him was EPIC.  The man would be crying when I was done with him.  I couldn’t wait. I was absurdly excited. Adrenaline was making me jumpy.

And then the asshole opened the door.

Sigh.

Many of these cats sport an expression that says, “Go away, you bother me.”

We love dogs over here at the Quill Sisters. They’re so darn cute and trusting and loveable–which can be a welcome change after you’ve been roundly ignored by your cat all day. You’re going to love this and you don’t have to speak Finnish or Swedish or whatever it is to get it.

There was a follow up video showing cat’s responses to magic and it went about as well as you’d expect.

Guess what? Well, you probably already did guess–like five days ago, but Amylynn didn’t die while camping. You may also presume that she did not find Bigfoot. We imagine that when we finally do nab the fellow, there will be a media frenzy. We’re hoping to have lost some weight by then. Here’s to positive thinking. And donuts. See that right there? That’s why we’re never going to “find” Bigfoot. Even if we do, we can’t tell anyone about it because the camera adds ten pounds. You see how the media ruins everything? Occasionally it also brings us funny stuff. Like these gems.

1. The Pope needs to take a run back through the gift shop. Queen Elizabeth took a vacation to the Vatican–somewhere the Sisters are dying to go themselves–and met with Pope Francis. She brought a gift as any guest should do when visiting the house of a friend. She brought honey, whiskey and goodies from the royal estates. Nice, right? Well thought out, we believe. What does the Pope do to reciprocate? He gives her a blue stone orb topped with a sharp cross to give her great-grandson, Prince George. Who is an infant. **blink blink** The Queen said, “[he] will be thrilled by that–when he’s a little older.” Isn’t there a giant gift shop at the Vatican? Maybe the Pope has a gift closet where he stuffs crap and white elephant gifts other dignitaries gave him that he could browse. Surely there’s a rattle floating around there somewhere?

2. It’s a miracle any of them live. A 21 year-old man in Pittsburgh was taken to the emergency room with a chainsaw sticking out of his neck. Some how he managed to miss all the major arteries and such and stuck the blade in his muscle. He works for a tree service and was at work at the time of the accident. One of his co-workers rescued him from the tree, leaving the chainsaw stuck in his neck to try to keep the bleeding to a minimum. Quick thinking, eh? Or maybe the guy just didn’t want buckets of blood in his truck. Either way, we think our guy should reevaluate his employment options. Possibly doing something that doesn’t involve sharp objects. Maybe in a marshmallow factory.

3. Willie’s armadillo. Apparently, Willie Nelson’s stuffed armadillo was kidnapped in Las Vegas a while back. We have no idea how we missed this important news. Well, it doesn’t matter because it was returned by an anonymous man this week and it’s been shipped back to Mr. Nelson. When this article was discovered Ava crinkled the paper and said, “Who would steal an armadillo?” I asked for more information. She explained the circumstances. I raised my eyebrow at her and said with absolute certainty, “We would totally do that. A – It’s an armadillo, and B – it belongs to Willie Nelson.” She agreed. That had our earmark all over it. Now that I’ve disclosed this information I want to make it perfectly clear that we’ve not been any where near Las Vegas and we did not force one of our husbands to return an armadillo.

4. Share the wealth people. Calvin and Zatera Spencer of Portsmouth Virginia have won the lottery a whole bunch–1M on a scratcher game this week, another 1M in March on the Powerball, and another 50k in the state lottery in March as well. We’re telling you where they live because we think the smart play here is to buy the tickets immediately before and immediately after they do. Maybe some good luck will rub off.

5. Clearly very good at bubbling in on tests. The parents of Kwasi Enin should be very, very proud. This young man applied for and was accepted by all eight ivy league schools.  Harvard, Yale, Brown, Columbia, University of Pennsylvania, Dartmouth, Princeton and Cornell. That is a horrendous feat and one that’s rarely duplicated, if ever it has been. Imagine what that kids test scores look like. And what must his essays say? Do you suppose he wrote eight of them or just sent the same one eight times? As soon as his parents get over their well deserved pride, they should immediately go lie down. The stress over the tuition will be descending on them shortly. We hope they like eating Ramen noodles for the next four years.

Maybe it’s allergies. I don’t know, but I’m exhausted. There’s all kinds of good stuff for Friday’s Five Favorite Things. Stay tuned.

I told you yesterday that I must have a new author photo. I also told you that I don’t want to. Ava is being all kinds of helpful–she thinks–by finding all kinds of poses for me to do. The bigger problem is that I’ll still be in the picture regardless if I’m posed like Meryl Streep.

Anyway, apparently, she was talking to the girl who lives at her house about my misfortune and laughing about it (probably, that’s just how I imagine the conversation going. I may be a bit paranoid about this picture), when her darling daughter wanted to know why Ava wasn’t getting her own picture taken.

RIGHT? That’s what I want to know. I always liked that child.

The girl thinks that the Quill Sisters should have a promo photo as well.

So that got my mind to whirling. It should be a funny photo since we write a humor blog.

Light bulb!

We need a mug shot. Honestly, it’s only a matter of time before we get a real one anyway. We asked the guard at BofNF if he still had

This is what I’m talking about. This is perfect!

any contacts at the jail or the sheriff’s office that would let us go in and get a mug shot taken.

“We’ll use our own camera,” I promised.

“We won’t be any trouble,” Ava assured him.

He said no. Can you believe that? Why is everyone against us?

Little help?

I need to get a new author photo done. I can’t tell you how much anxiety this is causing me. I despise having my picture taken. It never comes out well. I’m not one of those people who says, “I don’t take good pictures” and then turns in a cover model photo. I hate those people. Hate.

Ava and I have been trying to figure out how to make this deficiency work to our favor. Here are a couple of options. Tell us what you think.