We have bad attitudes. Not all the time, just most of the time. We’re not sure anyone has noticed besides our boss, our co-workers, our husbands, the waiter at lunch today, our children, the next door neighbor, and the lady at the deli at Safeway. We almost got into a fight with another driver in traffic this week. He honked at us and we didn’t appreciate it. Then he honked again. That was ill-advised. We got out of the car and approached him, telling him exactly what he could do with his horn. Well, that’s what we would have done if we weren’t so fat and lazy. Anyway, don’t piss us off. That day we just might be motivated.

1. Joe Namath. Did anyone see that coat he was wearing at the Super Bowl? What the hell was that? It looked like a very fancy dead animal. Do you remember those rabbit fur coats girls had to have in the late 70’s? That’s what that looked like. Only worse. We don’t care how cold it is, grown men should not wear fur coats like that unless they are also sporting a hat with a pheasant feather and employed as a pimp. Where was his wife? Letting him go out of the house like that. Someone needs to have some words with her.

2. Puppy/Kitten Bowl. This was on opposite the Super Bowl. Honestly it was more exciting. Besides, who doesn’t love a bunch of puppies running around a mock stadium, wresting over toys and growling playfully. Not us, for certain. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t the best idea to watch that. Damn you, Animal Planet. Now we REALLY want a kitten. Or a puppy. Or a pony. Or a camel. Or a cheetah. Oh dear…

3. Tom Hiddleston. We haven’t had one of our favorite boys as a Favorite Thing for a while. There was a fabulous commercial during that slaughter of a football game last week staring prominent British villains. We loved it in no small part because Tom was in it. In a helicopter. Drinking tea. In a villainous way. And oozing good-looking charm.

4. Bruno’s Jacket. The half time show was very fun this year. Ava took a special liking to Bruno’s gold jacket. Of course, Ava wants it in silver because, honestly, besides Bruno, who is so crass as to wear gold these days? Well, besides Amylynn who wears gold jewelry all the time. Anyway, we thought silver jackets like that might be nice as a fashion statement. Sort of like the Pink Ladies in Grease – only silver.

5. Lady Grantham. We’re way behind in our Downton Abbey viewing. We’ve been watching Season 1 at BofNF this past week. We have now found a new patron saint in Maggie Smith’s Lady Grantham. One of our favorite lines was her expressing complete lack of understanding of what a weekend was and why the working class would look forward to it. Another had her sending a scathing insult to someone who didn’t take the bait. “Oh, I must have said it wrong,” Lady Grantham says. We howl every time she’s on the screen.

Fabio was in town. He’s selling some sort of whey protein powder that we’re not interested in drinking. Our only experience with whey involves curds and tuffets. Surely you can understand why we’re not ingesting that.

Anyway, we made plans to go see him at the Wholefoods – as did every other person within driving distance. We got there 1/2 an hour early so we were number three in line. We were in and out in an hour. Bada bing!

Before we get into the experience with Fabio himself, we feel that we must make mention of the people who waited in line with us. There were a lot of men. Really. And often, not the men you expected to see. Some of these men were with babies. We’re not sure if these babies were conceived due to a Fabio cover or what. Maybe they were just there to say thank you, we don’t know and we didn’t ask. It’s much more fun to speculate. Also, there were A LOT of young girls there. Girls so young as to not possibly know the significance of Fabio to romance because the books where he was on the cover were published well before they were born. Still, they showed up and made seriously loud squealing noises when he arrived. Then there were women like us. Old. Pudgy. Sadly self-aware.

While waiting in line we were offered beer, wine, chocolate covered strawberries, and a massage. We declined everything. Even the strawberries. We’re not allowed to eat fruit on Thursday on our diet. Go ahead and roll your eyes. We’ll wait.

In front of us in line was a woman shorter than Amylynn. That is a significant thing. Hardly anyone is shorter than Amylynn. Anyway, this woman was over-the-top excited. When his car pulled up in front of the store, she professed that she couldn’t breathe and her “heart was fluttering.” The college girls in the first position announced, after they’d had their picture taken and such, that, “Now I can die.” There was some concern that the tiny woman would not survive the experience, such was her inconsistent heart beat.

Seems a bit over the top, no?

Ava cuddled right up cause he was toasty warm. Also, Amylynn NEVER smiles in pictures. Just getting her in a picture is challenge enough.

So our turn came. We do want to tell you that he was super nice – something we weren’t expecting because our experience with cover models has not been good. He was very respectful and polite without being standoffish. In fact, after we’d had our picture taken, Ava walked away. He seemed a bit dazed by that as we’re certain the poor man is used to being gushed over and groped – there were several women (and perhaps a few men) behind us in line who looked capable of a good grope. So when Ava wandered off with alacrity, Amylynn felt bad.

She reached up and touched is shoulder/chest area (respectfully!) and said with a big smile, “Have a great rest of your day.”

He looked at the two of us and said, “Oh, sisters!”

And without a moment’s pause we both said, “Yep!”

We will say that Mr. Fabio clearly spends a lot of time in the gym as his jeans were skin-tight and his tushy was perfect. Also, he’s very tall and still remarkably good-looking.

We credit his outstanding cheekbones.

We are not crediting the whey.

Sassy had a dentist appointment today. There was a cavity in a baby tooth. I was all for leaving it, but the dentist pointed out that her permanent tooth was nowhere to be found yet, so she recommended filling it. No one but me thought pulling the baby tooth out was the right choice. So I made her an appointment for a filling.

This morning I wrote her a note to give her teacher to explain why I was taking her out early from class.

Dear Teacher,

Sassy has a dentist appointment today. I will pick her up at 10:30. Thank you.

Sassy had what could best be described as a minor apoplectic fit.

“You can’t say I have a dentist appointment. Mr. H will announce it to the class and then EVERYONE will know,” she said.

“Who cares?” I asked.

She shook her head definitively. “I’m not taking that note.”

Fine. I wrote a second note.

Dear Teacher,

Sassy has a doctor’s appointment today. I will pick her up at 10:30. Don’t tell anyone. Thank you.

Sassy gave me THAT LOOK. “I’m not taking that note either. That’s ridiculous. Why can’t you be normal?”

Do you remember that look the Grinch gets as he realizes just exactly how awful his plan is? It’s pure evil.

Draft number 3.

Dear Teacher,

Sassy has an appointment today with her parole officer. I will pick her up at 10:30. Thank you.

“That looks better,” she said. “Who’s a parole officer?”

“You can Google it at school later.”

I have the cover for my new book. Hop on over to Mary Chen’s blog – Buried Under Romance for a preview! I also did a quick interview.

It’s so gorgeous!!!!!

Squeeeeeee!!

But I’ve long been a fan of David Beckham.

Uh, well played Posh Spice. Well played, indeed.

Hasn’t this been quite the week?  The eastern half of the country was stuck in their snowed in cars, offices, and schools while out here in the desert we had to deal with record high temperatures of 81 degrees.   Oh, wait, maybe we shouldn’t mention that?  Kinda sounds like we’re bragging right?  Possibly – but it was only 81 degrees for five hours.  Does that make it better?  No?  Still too soon?  For all of you folks in Georgia who wanted to know what happened to global warming it’s out here in Arizona – you can stop looking for it.  While the Sisters tormented their third sister in NJ over the weather, here’s some stuff we found funny/fun and if you’re not frozen solid – you might too.

1. A festival we should know about. Amy and Ava are always on the lookout for a new dessert delight.  Somehow there is a Donut Fest in Chicago every year that we don’t know about, but the big hit this year was the  “doughscuit” sister to the glorious  Cronut  – which we’ve mentioned before.  One Donut Fester called it “life changing”.  We’re all about life changing pastry.  If you’ve ever wanted to be friends with the Sisters now is the time to buy our “love” by bringing us some doughscuits.  Just let us know what time you’ll be by and we’ll have the coffee ready.

2. Kitty Extravaganza. No shock that the Sisters love cats based on all of the cat videos and pictures we post here.  We love them.  LOVE.  They’re very entertaining just like us.  At first, this story made us a little sad but we tried to see the bright side of the “Meatball” the cat tail.  Meatball is a 36 pound cat.  One animal control worker said, “Biggest cat I’ve ever seen.”  We wanted to go pick him up and bring him home.  When we called the shelter we were asked to send a picture of ourselves.  Normally, we’d refuse but we really wanted Meatball.  The call back was bad news.  Them – “Ladies, we appreciate your volunteering and all but we’re looking for a home that will put Meatball on a diet.”  Us – “We know everything about dieting!” Them – “No, a diet to lose weight.”  Well damn – that will teach us to blog about donuts.

3. Perhaps a nice retirement IRA?  We’re always entertained by “too crazy to be true” stories that are true.  A lady in Omaha (that’s middle America, folks) had 1 million dollars seized from her car during a traffic stop.  1 million cash.  CASH.  It seems that the cops had no right to seize it and now need to pay her legal bills.  Here’s where she got it – it was her entire life savings earned over about a dozen years as an exotic dancer.  We were curious about how that would shake out hourly.  Exotic dancers work about 6 hours a day 5 days a week (don’t ask where we found that – it will all be in the news when the FBI finally picks us up).  Assuming two weeks of unpaid vacation, but no legal holidays, she made about $55.56/per hour.  That’s not too bad for a job you don’t need to go to college for right?  Maybe she should think about a bank account or, at least, a nice mattress to keep it in.

4. Not next to the Pretzel guy either. Quite often we’re perplexed by what makes other people think something is a good idea.  There is a mannequin manufacturer now making mannequins with “thicker waists, saggier breasts and back fat”.  WTF???  We’re all for realistic size mannequins because we’re realistic size women but REALLY?  Back fat?  That’s just gross.  We don’t want to see that at the local mall next to the Cinnabon shop.  If we can squeeze into control wear so can those mannequins.

5. And she’s not even naked! Under the heading of “more jobs the Sisters didn’t know were jobs” comes this gem: A woman who makes 9K a month eating front of her computer camera.  It’s exactly what it sounds like.  She start eating at around 8PM and goes for hours and people send her tips.  “People enjoy the vicarious pleasure of my online show when they can’t eat that much, don’t want to eat food at night, or are on a diet,” Seo-yeon told Reuters.  That’s $51.92/per hour.  Not as lucrative as exotic dancing, mind you, but more along the lines of our actual skill set.  The Sisters have been eating daily all their lives for free!!!

We need new ball gowns.

Sounds like we have a lot of white girl problems, huh?

It’s true, though. We couldn’t possibly be expected to show up at our book signings in March in the same old ball gowns we wore to the last signings. What would people say? You know who we’re talking about, all those people who pay so much attention to what we’re doing all the time.

So we’ve been shopping for dress patterns and we know exactly what we want which makes it so easy to make decisions. NOT. What it means is that someone (Amylynn) is very frustrated because someone (Ava) can’t make a damn decision (I’d complain here but that might be true – Ava). That’s what usually happens anyway. Not this time. We found a pattern we both liked right off and ordered them from Amazon. The drone delivered it the very next day.

We went shopping for fabric right away because that’s usually where the trouble begins. We also went to a store our mother had expressly forbidden us to go to. We’re rebels. You can’t tell US what to do.

WE FOUND EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT. It’s a miracle. Go buy a lottery ticket.

We took our four bolts of fabric (two of which were on CLEARANCE!) up front to be cut. How excited were we when this cute little boy came over to help us, smiling and useful?

Michael the Fabric Boy

“Hi!” Ava said, all delighted and stuff.

“I’m just going to  warn you now,” I said, launching into the warning judges make us say to all store clerks, waiters, and hotel staff. “We’re going to be a pain in the ass.”

His smile faltered.

I continued, “I’m just saying because we want you to have full disclosure.”

“It’ll be fine,” Ava told him with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Actually, things moved along swimmingly. The three of us bantered. He inquired as to what we were making. It turns out that he makes costumes – Elizabethan era. He wanted us to make our own buttons and proceeded to give us instructions that would take no less than six months and five friends to complete. Ava mentioned that perhaps he didn’t have a 40 hour a week job, books to write, a husband and children, and dogs.

Uh huh. We’re getting zippers.

He did mention that he had a girl friend and a cat. We think he brought up the girl friend because he was afraid we were trying to pick him up. Which is adorable. When you hit 45 and 50, any pretty 25-year-old boy actually looks about twelve.

I asked him to take a picture. At first he looked a bit alarmed, but he warmed to the idea. He even fluffed his hair and smiled. See, cute, huh?

We thought we could use this as one of our Five Favorite Things this week, but this is just too good. It needs its own blog.

Unless you’ve been living in a vacuum then you’re aware that MOST of the country is being buried under an avalanche of snow. Snowmageddon, if you will.

Either the following fellow is having a harder time dealing with it than most, or North Dakota just needs to be excused from this winter for the rest of the year.

Fargo, ND – Local resident Todd Fox has been detained for “reckless endangerment” and “illegal use of high-powered fire-breathing weaponry” for attacking snow with his flamethrower. Fox reportedly became so fed up with the week-long blowing snow epidemic in his area that he decided to KILL IT WITH FIRE.

The neighborhood was treated with quite a show last night as Fox unleashed an inferno upon the mountainous snow palace that was his front yard. Neighbors to his immediate right and left noticed a bright orange cloud and could hear what they thought was “puff the magic dragon spewing mayhem all over hell,” which prompted one of them to notify police.

Fox stated that he was simply “fed up with battling the elements” and that he did not possess the willpower necessary to move “four billion tons of white bull shit.”

Police say that Fox surrendered his efforts immediately upon their arrival and that his front yard “looked like a hydrogen bomb had gone off.” They think he was just happy to be done with snow removal, even if it did mean a trip to jail.

Often, the Sisters welcome the thought of jail and we’re betting this fellow is no different. In jail he gets his three hots and a cot and probably no shoveling. Although, wouldn’t that be the worst sentence for that guy ever? Talk about Sisyphusian justice.

Still, as far as we’re concerned this was a reasonable solution and we applaud his ingenuity.

Did you people see the pictures of Chicago today? That, our friends, is insane. We’re not kidding when we say we pull out the coats when it gets to 65 degrees.

Maybe someone can explain this to us.

Frozen lake shore in Chicago

Is this the penguin version of friends laughing at you when you fall down? Make sure your volume is on.