Captain America Civil War was quite good in our estimation. Prepare yourself – it’s very long. We don’t recommend you drink any beverages before the movie because if you get the large, 55 gallon drum size soda they sell at the concession stand then you’ll never make it through the film without having to pee. You need to be careful. You’re not going to want to miss any parts of the film that have the yummy Winter Soldier in it. As always, there are some great lines in the film, ones we and the kids have been quoting ever since we saw it. We have some other good stuff to share with you too.

1. Rocks. Another huge diamond has been found, this one in Botswana by a Canadian owned Lucara Diamond Corporation. Weighing in at 1,109 carats. it’s as big as a tennis ball. They’re calling it the Lesedi la Rona which means Our Light. It’s to be auctioned off at Sotheby’s in June and they’re expecting somewhere in the neighborhood if$70 million dollars. It’s beautiful even without being cut. The Sisters are going to send Sotheby’s a check.

2. Met Gala. We love the Met Gala Ball every year. The themes make the dresses so entertaining. This year the theme was Manus x Machina. The gowns were pretty awesome. We loved Emma Watson’s “gown” since it was actually pants. She looked like a sort of cyborg futuristic samurai – the result was very cool and she has amazing style. The winner, though, is the gown worn by Claire Danes and designed by Zac Posen. She looked like Cinderella – but with a dress that lit up by fiber optics. Cinderella would have peed herself for this dress.

3. Best ATM. Ever. We can’t think of anything more brilliant than this ATM. The Sprinkles cupcake company has several of these ATMs around the county. You insert your credit card and OUT COMES THE CUPCAKE OF YOUR CHOOSING. We wrote that in all caps because it’s seriously important. We mentioned several years ago about a baguette ATM several years ago in France. We really love this trend.

4. Looking better than ever. Take a look at this picture. There have been a lot jokes about moving to Canada after the general election in November. We’ve been considering Cuba. The border is open now and their food is better. Besides, the weather is tropical and the Sisters freely admit that cold is NOT a favorite thing. Still, Canada has hockey and croissants and now this. We present to you Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada holding panda bears. You’re welcome.

5. Our boss. Amylynn moved her office from one part of the office to another. That’s a big job for sure. She successfully filched the office pictures from the old office but needed someone to hang them up for her. She asked nicely and her boss was willing. We love this picture. The man had to improvise a tool belt. Not everyone’s first choice.

A new Krispy Kreme opened by our house. It’s the only one in our entire town. Previously all of the Krispy Kremes were closed – something to do with a nasty divorce where the husband and wife owners broke up and didn’t want other people to be happy.

The new store opened exactly a week ago. A whole week. At the grand opening, they gave away a bunch of year supply of donut packages and t-shirts and all kinds of stupid donut paraphernalia. People camped out the night before. At a donut shop.

What the hell is that about?

They’re freaking donuts.

That being said, I wanted to bring some to our office. We work on the completely opposite side of town from my house and the KK, and most of the people who work with us live over there too. That means I’m in the enviable or disastrous position of living less than a mile away from carb central.

My boss heard me talking about this plan and thrust three twenty-dollar bills at me and reminded me to bring a receipt. Holy cow! $60 worth of donuts. Gads.

I happened to be driving past said KK on Wednesday evening about 8:30. The drive thru line was wrapped around the building and stretched down the street. AT 8:30! AT NIGHT! I began to fret about the plan. If the place is this crowded at 8:30 at night, what the hell is it going to be like on a Friday morning? I didn’t want to be like an hour or more late for work. On the other hand, people heard the donuts were coming and they were expecting them. I think some people haven’t eaten in days thinking they are going to gorge themselves on those incredible glazed delights.

Ava has actually threatened me if I don’t show up with donuts. Really.

I’ve come up with a plan. After I drop off the kids at school I’m going to go over there and see what’s up. If the drive thru lane is as out of control as I expect then I’ll park at the Hobby Lobby in the next parking lot and hoof it over there. Surely the lobby won’t be as bad as the drive thru, right? RIGHT?

Here’s what I recommend. Eat breakfast anyway, people. I guarantee nothing.

I had every intention of wearing something Star Wars-y to work today in celebration of May the Fourth. And then I totally forgot.

In fact work was so insane that I didn’t even remember it was May the Fourth until the end of the day when Ava called me to lament that we didn’t celebrate.

My boss was hanging out in my office when she called. “What was that all about?” he asked with a bemused expression.

I mentioned that we were disappointed in ourselves that we didn’t property celebrate the Star Wars holiday.

And then he made fun of us that we even know May the Fourth exists in relation to Star Wars.

So I ask you – which of us is more ridiculous? The Star Wars aficionados or the sad little man who’s totally missing out?

You know the answer.

Jojo Kitty would take every opportunity to act like Godzilla if he had the chance.

Imagine if you will something brilliant and snort-into-your-coffee witty here. It was a bad day at work and all the witty and brilliant stuff was leached out of us. It was so bad, Amylynn had a wee temper tantrum. Not necessarily something to be proud of, but sometimes they’re the only way you’ll get heard. It didn’t last long, but her point was made. Here’s some funny stuff that got us through most of the week.

1. Mama’s got a brand new bag. Look at how gorgeous this bag is. It came from Coach at a massive discount. The Sisters both get emails from Coach about clearance sales and special discounts. We rarely bother with them anymore because, no matter how quickly we respond to the email and take the link to the site, everything we like is sold out. We don’t know what the deal is – it’s almost like they only had two of them to begin with or something. However, when this purse showed up in the email teaser, Amylynn followed the jump and lo! there were still bags available. This one arrived at her house and there was much jubilation. Go ahead, admit you’re jealous.

2. 30 years in the making. We may have mentioned before that Ava does not possess an ATM card and she hasn’t for thirty years or so.  Long story but, if one is being honest, it was her own fault. She did try through the years to get one but the answer was always a raised eyebrow and a swift NO. Hold on to your hat, her request was finally approved! The Sisters went right over to the bank to request said card and no matter how hard the Bank of No Forks tried to chase them out of the bank they persevered and ordered it. It came the other day and like all credit cards you had to call in and activate it. Well it refused to be activated and the lady computer insisted Ava activate it at an ATM and promptly hung up. Ava took herself over to the ATM, input her four digit code and, like a boss, extracted $20.00. The boy who lives at her house said “Welcome to 2016 Mom.” And a great welcome it was!

3. You have yourself a great little day, ya hear? The Sisters were told to “have a peaceful day” while they were shopping this past week. Both of them worked retail so they know how boring it is to keep up the, “have a nice day” schtick. But peaceful? That’s just kinda stupid. The Sisters can’t remember the last time they had a peaceful day – can you? We prefer GODSPEED. Everyone one should be wished Godspeed because that’s something we can all really use. GODSPEED. You’re welcome.

4. Coconut cookies. The Sisters bought these at the Costco this week. It was probably a mistake. They made by a company with the totally obnoxious name of Mrs. Thinster’s. Nevertheless, the lure of coconut cookies was too much to ignore. It turns out they’re super crispy and buttery and quite yummy. Still, our number one comment is, “They’re coconutty.” So, there you go.

5. Penny for your thoughts. This Sunday one of our favorites, Penny Dreadful, comes back on. Honestly, This is going to be an epic night of television with both Penny Dreadful AND Game of Thrones. These shows and completely crazy and totally outlandish and we LOVE them. The casts are incredible, the costuming and sets are gorgeous, and the plots are never boring. Every time you turn around something whack-a-doodle has occurred. Excellent conversations with squealing and sweeping arm gestures happen every Monday at the Keurig. You shouldn’t miss it!

I think it would be a whole lot easier if they had hands to hold them with.

Ava and I are pretty certain Sassy has super power at this point.

Remember last summer she had spinal fusion surgery, so now she has giant titanium rods on either side of her spine and these crazy ass screws in her back.

Sorta like Wolverine.

Last Saturday she had a little incident. She was ever so briefly electrocuted. It happened when she and her father were working on our camping trailer and something or other didn’t get grounded. There was a puddle of water and a metal ladder. The rest…well, she’s fine. Let me just put that out there. I imagine that electricity going through her back was a bit awful.

She’s been milking it, though – as anyone would. As late as Monday night her legs were still too exhausted to wash the dishes.

So now we’re wondering what her super power might be. Power to roll eyes faster than a locomotive. The ability to fly off the handle like an eagle. A persecution complex taller than a skyscraper.

I definitely think there should be a cape for her birthday next month. Something with a lightening bolt on it.

Like a testy little Harry Potter with a metal skeleton.

Earth Day. We love Earth. It’s our favorite planet. It’s very pretty from outside our windows and in pictures from people who go outside. Also, its the only planet we’ve visited – so far – so our frame of reference is limited. As far as we’ve been able to ascertain it’s the only planet with coffee, cake, and fuzzy, sweet animals with nap-warmed tummies. As we’re sure you could imagine, it would take an awful lot to seduce us away from those things. Besides, there’s no way of knowing if aliens would think we’re funny. We have plenty of trouble with that on our own planet. These are some things we paid attention to this week.

1. And now Ava uses this catch phrase all the time. The British National Environmental Research Council has a new polar research vessel. It’s essentially a big-ass boat to go to the top of the world and check stuff out. Remember the research ship that Leonard went on in The Big Bang Theory? It’s like that. So the Council made a contest for the people of Britain to name her. They were looking for something science-y and dignified. That was poor planning if they were leaving it up to the masses of the internet. You’ve probably all heard by now that Boaty McBoatface was the winning name by leaps and bounds. We think that’s hysterical, and apparently so do many other people. There were some other excellently silly suggestions: RRS Onion Knight, RRS I Like Big Boats & I Cannot Lie, and RRS Capt’n Birdseye Get Off My Cod. We’d like to share one more piece of brilliance with you. A while ago Greenpeace put out a poll to name a whale in hopes of promoting conservation and the winner was Mr. Splashy Pants. Bwahahahahahaa.

2. And another one. Amylynn is beside herself with excitement that hockey is coming back to our backwater town. The NHL team in Phoenix is in talks to move their minor league farm team to Tucson. The details haven’t been ironed out yet, but Amylynn insists on thinking positively. So there’s already a poll for what we should call them. Do you see where this is going? Even though it’s funny, we’re not voting for Teamy McTeamface. No, Ava, we’re not!

3. Totally Bummed. Amylynn called Ava a liar when she told her Prince had died. This has been a really shitty year for this kind of thing. David Bowie, Merle Haggard, Glenn Frye – Jeez, we weren’t prepared for Prince. Big fans of both the movie and the corresponding album, we love Purple Rain. If you recall, it wasn’t that long ago that His Royal Purpleness was a Favorite Thing because of that stupendous passport photo. He was an amazing musician. He had a hell of a personality. And he will be sorely missed. Baby, you’re a star!

4. Trolls. We can now die happy. Entirely by accident, we found Ray Dyson. We don’t remember what led us to him, but there he was on the internet. The Guinness Book of World Record’s site to be exact. Mr. Dyson is a Canadian man who collects trolls. You know, the little dolls with goofy hair. Some of the guys from his work told him he looked like a troll so he bought one. The rest is history. Or an example of a obsessive compulsive disorder. Either way, he now has 1,754 of them. No notice in the story on whether or not he has a wife, but the article did state the dolls take up two full bedrooms in his house. That probably answers the question.

5. Behold! Ava texted this bracelet to Amylynn with no context. All the information she gave was that it was Tiffany and had 1,800 diamonds in it. A massive internet search took place, but no evidence of this bracelet was discovered. Ava has a tendency to find these unicorns in magazines, never to be found again. We can’t report to you how much it costs, but if we had to hazard a guess, we’re pretty sure the ad said, call for pricing which is ridiculous because if you can afford to consider it you don’t need to worry about the freaking price.

One of my team members at work is fabulous. Really. I love him – he tells me and my assistant how much he appreciates us all the time. He says thank you and brings us Starbucks for no reason.

After almost 20 years of abuse, this is incredibly refreshing. Proper gratitude is a major white elephant in my industry.

His wife – who is also lovely – works for our company as well. She came into my office yesterday to tell me that the two of them wanted to something nice for the team.

My first instinct was to say, “Oh, that’s not necessary,” but I clamped my lips shut. Of course, it’s not necessary, but it’s also really, really nice to be appreciated for a change and I should accept that willingly.

She suggested taking all us ladies out for mani/pedis. I lit right up. I’ve not had a professional pedicure since maybe July. JULY? Seriously? I think the last time was when we were going to New York. Gads. I might have hooves down there for all I know.

My assistant and I are super excited.

With one caveat.

Now I’m going to have to shave my legs and here I was in the middle of conducting an experiment.

Did you do your taxes? Us neither. We’re going to recuse ourselves from it this year. We’ve decided no. We’re going to take the money we would have spent with the IRS and go shoe shopping. In Paris. If it’s not too late for you, and  you haven’t already sent your money to those thieving bastards, you’re welcome to come with us. We promise a week of shopping and croissants and cafes and witty repartee. What do you say? You can help us come up with the Five Things for the next week. This is what we have for now. Enjoy.

1. Neil deGrasse Tyson. The Sisters have a long history of crushes on brilliant and witty men. Often times their looks are superfluous. That’s why we always feel so fortunate when the objects of our crushes are handsome to boot. Ava thinks Neil has beautiful skin and Amylynn is in no position to argue with her because she loves his smile. He’s charming and funny and a hell of an advocate for science – something else the Sisters are fascinated with.  Behold – a favorite quote: “If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.” — Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson)

2. Lactose tolerant. Someone in Pueblo, Colorado has a serious problem with cheese. The man who owns the Do Drop Inn there has been burgled several times for all his cheese. That’s to say, a thief has broken in three times to steal all cases of cheese in the refrigerator. It has amounted to about 50 cases of provolone, 2,000 pounds, valued somewhere between five and seven thousand dollars. Why would someone repeatedly break in and only take cheese? No word if this is the only restaurant effected by the thief. We think the whole thing is very weird.

3. That’s nuts. Speaking of weird theft rings. A couple of years ago there was a big theft ring with maple syrup in Canada. There’s that odd cheese thing on Colorado. Now we hear about California. Apparently nut thefts are big money in California. Nuts, almonds, and pistachios to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. They’re stealing them by the truckloads, whole semis full. It’s like the world’s largest chipmunks are running the show over there.

4.Jungle Book – Both sisters were eager to see the new film this weekend but only Ava got in.  She lives just outside of the city proper and less people live out there.  Hence, there are very few sold out movies to deal with. she reports that it was excellent – giving it an A+. Here’s something you need to know about Ava. She loved the original Jungle Book growing up. Her favorite character was Shere Khan, the evil tiger who wants to kill Mowgli, she felt he was only being a tiger and disliked unfairly. Unfair or not, the sister’s mother thought this meant she needed therapy. Instead of therapy, the boy who lives at Ava’s house has the middle name “Tiger” – for real. Maybe she did need that therapy after all . . .

5. Meet Scotty. Look at this fellow. Besides the fact that he is horribly named, we want him desperately. We could tuck him in our pocket and feed him with a syringe and smother him with kisses. Then we’d change his name to Oliver.