September 20

It’s Friday! The day after Thursday! The high holy day at Bank of No Forks. We’re doing a special edition of The Five Things this week. We stumbled on it entirely by accident and then were inspired. You know we pride ourselves in keeping you abreast of all the stupid stuff you need to know. It’s a tough job. Think of all the stupid stuff we have to sift through before we find just the right stupid stuff. Sit back

and enjoy the following – Four Pretty Boys and the Purse We’re Going to Shove Them In. You’re welcome.

1. Scott Eastwood. Son of Clint. That alone should be sufficient, but we’ll continue. Wow. What a lucky winner of the DNA lottery, huh? He looks remarkably like his father here. Of course, he spouts that nonsense about wanting to earn his celebrity, that he’s not cashing in on his father’s notoriety, so he’s waiting to pay his dues to be a huge star. What the hell ever. He’s 27, what is he waiting for? This is like those lottery winners who

say they’re going to keep working. If we had a famous father you can rest assured that the Sisters would cash in as many times as we could take that check to the bank.

2. David Garrett. David is a German virtuoso violinist who started playing at the age of four. He’s studied everywhere and under all the influential teachers. We haven’t heard him, but we assume the critics know what they’re talking about. When Ava first brought this boy to our attention, Amylynn’s initial reaction was that he seemed arrogant. A big ego turns her off. Ava rightly pointed out that was a stupid thing to say as we had no intention of actually talking to him. Ava is very wise. Probably because she’s five years older than Amylynn. Five whole years. That means she’s way

too old for this boy anyway.

3. Prince Carl Phillip, Duke of Varmland. We don’t have any idea where Varmland is. We think they made it up. One of his sisters has an equally hinky name: Princess Madeleine, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland. What? We’d call shenanigans except they’ve got that prince/princess business in front of their names. And, more importantly, he’s adorable. We’ve long acted like we’re royalty already so hooking up with a

pretty prince or duke or whatever suits our temperament just fine. They’re from Sweden. We LOVE Sweden. We’ve never actually been there, but it sounds very appealing so long as ABBA keeps to themselves while we’re there.

4. Martin Sensmeier. We don’t want you to think we’re not equal opportunity lovers of pretty boys. Or that we are only drawn to Europeans. That is so not true. We present this beautiful American Indian. Honest to whatever God is in charge of hair – have you ever seen anything like it? Nary a split end in sight. Yowza. We’d also like to point out that there aren’t very many people who can pull off the double denim phenomenon without looking like

an unimaginative bozo. Not Martin. He’s like a walking billboard for Panteen and Levi.

5. Hermes Birkin bag. If you happen to be a heterosexual of the male persuasion OR any other person who knows nothing about what’s important, the Birkin bag is a uber-ritzy purse originally made by Hermes for model/singer Jane Birkin in the early 1980’s. Now it’s become iconic and the style is produced by many others. An “Exceptional Collection Shiny Rouge H Porosus Crocodile 30 cm Birkin Bag with Solid 18K White Gold & Diamond Hardware” just sold at auction in Dallas for $203,150, making it the world’s most expensive purse. Birkin is a large purse – just right for toting little boys around in.