June 13

We’re pretty sure we’re never getting Dave the Durango back. It’s been two weeks. We’re starting to despair. Amylynn had a conjugal visit last weekend. She left him in the hot parking lot at the mechanic’s. He’s going to cost an outrageous amount. Like maybe selling a kidney will come into play. This makes Amylynn and Her Honey very unhappy. It’s made Ava conflicted. She’s had to cart Amylynn and her kidlets, Sassy and the Bandit, around everywhere they’ve needed to go, BUT Ava’s not actually driven anywhere. She makes

Look! He needs to cuddle.

Amylynn drive (This is true, I get out of the car when I get to her house and make her drive while I ask the children all manner of questions). That’s the part that makes Ava happy. If she won a million dollars the first thing she’d do is hire a chauffeur. Amy just wants Dave back. Here are some things that are funny.

1. Nothing good ever happens to us. We don’t live in Vail, CO. We’ve never visited Antler Lodge, therefore we were not present when the baby moose wandered into the Lodge. He got tired and just lay down on the rug in the lobby. This angers us. Not because there’s a moose in the house. The issue is that NO ONE was brave enough to pet it. NO ONE. The big brave men hid behind the glass and took video. We assure you – if a 1-week-old moose wandered into anywhere we happened to be we’d be touching it. We’d be offering it lettuce and snuggles. We’d be taking him home. What a bunch of pansies.

2. Honeymoon. Surely you’ve heard by now that it’s Friday the 13th, a full moon, and a honey moon. A honey moon is when the Sun is at its highest orbit, thus the moon is at its lowest so it keeps the moon close to the horizon making it appear amber-colored and HUGE. This is really rare. The last time a honey moon happened on a Friday the 13th was 1919 and the next time will be 2098. This calls for celebration. We’re going to rob a bank or something. Don’t tell anyone

3. It’s not our fault. Today is National Blame Someone Else Day. This happens the first Friday the 13th of the year. It’s a free for all! Remember, just because you blame someone doesn’t mean it’s their fault. It’s the bakery’s fault that all those donuts are missing. It’s the mayor’s fault that all those goats got loose.

4. Great lines from movies. We watched the weirdest movie today. You know how you see the cover on a DVD that has a million awards plastered all over the front and you say, “Here’s a good movie!” So you and your friends put it in your office player and all settle around the puzzle table and bring out the Fritos. And then something goes TERRIBLY TERRIBLY WRONG and there’s squealing and you’re watching the movie with your hands over your eyes because an alligator is being gutted and they show you its intestines. The only thing good about this movie was the following line, “I’m sweating like a pregnant nun back here!” That caused a great deal of cackling!

5. Bronzer. The Sisters are white. WHITE GIRLS. We glow. Enough that we could light 3rd world villages. Ava found the perfect bronzer. It’s called Bronze Glow for all you white girls out there and you can get it at Ulta. We bronzed ourselves at work and we’re pretty sure we can now go outside without facing derision.