Lost in the Louvre

When you get to France you will be asked repeatedly if you intend the visit the Louvre.  After you say “Yes, you dumb ass, of course I’m going to visit the Louvre.  I just flew thirteen hours to get here, specifically to see the LOUVRE.” The person will tell you to make sure you have a plan or you’ll get really super frustrated inside.

The Louvre is Freakin’ BIG

If you are a frequent experienced worldwide museum visitor you will just brush this statement off.  Before you left for France and you checked with everyone you know who has been to France – you won’t recall anyone telling you they were frustrated in the Louvre.  You’ll remember them talking about the beauty of the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo – no frustration mentioned.

Some facts: the Louvre is 652,300 square feet, it houses almost 35,000 objects. The Louvre is freakin’ big.

Prepare yourself for some serious frustration.

Everything about the Louvre is enormous – the size of the line to buy tickets, the size of the line to enter the museum, the size of the line to see the Mona Lisa, the 80 page map of the place, etc.

I’m going to do you the favor no one did for me.  Before you go anywhere near the Louvre – have a game plan.  If you are planning to see the Mona Lisa or any of the more famous works, realize that you may only see that piece of art.  There comes a moment in every Louvre visitor’s life when they need to decide if they want to stand on line for six hours to momentarily view a painting the size of a postage stamp or see two hundred other things.

Here’s the Mona Lisa, avoid her, you’re welcome.

And just so you know, whatever stuff you planned to see in the Louvre from your carefully laid out plans – you won’t actually see.  You’re going to get lost.  Really lost.  There’s a reason the French did not discover the new world.  The French are terrible map makers – the map to the Louvre is incoherent.  Once you’re in the bowels of the building, you’ll begin to pray to every god represented in there that the night watchman will eventually find you and lead you to an exit.  I pictured them with blankets and food supplies like the search and rescue workers on Mt. Kilimanjaro. 

By the way, “Exit’ in French is “Sortie” which translates to:

It’s sortie this way out – but not really.

PS – it sounds like I didn’t like the Louvre but I loved it.  It’s beautiful and I saw some incredible art while I was lost.  Even though I got lost for hours, I did find a darling café that served French pasties and café au lait and I FORGAVE THE LOUVRE EVERYTHING!!! 

PSS – There is one thing you have got to see at the Louvre that most people miss.  The glass pyramid has its own cleaning system.  It looks like a little Roomba vacuum that goes all over the sides cleaning it.  It’s fascinating because it follows a pattern which my OCD side really enjoyed.  

The glass pyramid “Roomba”