Just say “No” to stripes

I’m wondering if I’ll be allowed a special dispensation on the horizontal

"No" to horizontal stripes!

stripes on my prison jumpsuit.  If I must wear one, horizontal stripes are completely out of the question.  Vertical will work because they are slimming.  Also, I’m

Orange...bad!

gonna have to say no on the orange, too.  And just to make sure I can do it, I’ve been practicing the shuffley “perp” walk with the manacles.

Why am I planning my prison wardrobe?  Because The Bandit is bound and determined to have me there.  His behavior is another example of how boys and girls are different.  Or at least, how my boy and girl are different.  Sassy never had this phase.  I’m calling it the “Shoplifting Phase”. 

He and I were at the craft store the other day.  He was frustrated because I wouldn’t buy him anything.  I didn’t realize how frustrated he was until I noticed how strangely he was walking.  Upon further investigation I found an entire box of Crayons shoved down his pants. 

And in another example of petty larceny, My Honey discovered he’d used the five-finger discount to obtain a bunch of plastic animals from the party supply store.

Of course, we’ve had all the talks at various intensities and volumes, and he acts contrite – just like all the best sociopaths do.  Nevertheless….

I really, really don’t like horizontal strips.