My Evil Genius

My cell phone was buzzing as I stepped off the elevator this morning.

“Hi, Honey.  What’s up?” I said to my husband.  I’m still sounding chipper because so far no one has pissed me off.  I suspect that will change soon.

“Where are your son’s shoes?”

“I don’t know?  I guess because you’re calling they are not in his room.”

“No, I have turned this house upside down and there are no shoes.”

“Well, he wore them yesterday and he came home with shoes, so they must be around there somewhere.”  I’m being exceedingly patient.  I would like that noted. 

“I’m telling you.  I can’t find them.”  His voice is getting louder and more insistent.

“What do you want me to do about it?  I’m at work and I’m obviously not coming home to look for them.”  I stated the obvious.  Sometime that helps with irrational people.  “Have you looked under his mattress?”  (Look – he’s a mischievous child.  He hides stuff there all the time.)

“No.” My Honey’s sweet, melodious voice is becoming quite strained.  “I’m telling you, if I can’t find his god damned shoes, he’s not going to school.”

AHA! It’s all coming clear now.  “Did you ever think that might have been the whole plan?” 

“I don’t know.  All I know is that there are no shoes in this house!”

Again, I would like it noted that I am using a very calm voice.  The voice the Negotiator uses when talking down a jumper.  “Honey, I did not put all his shoes in my purse and take them to work with me.”

“I didn’t say that.  I’m simply stating that there are no shoes in this house.  I’m telling you – no freaking shoes.”

I called back 45 minutes later.  A pair of shoes was located at the bottom of the Bandit’s laundry basket.  The Bandit is at school as we speak – presumably torturing someone else.  From what I understand, he can whip his band of Merry Men into quite a pre-school frenzy.  (Dear Daycare Lady, I will be available for your calls after 9:00am tomorrow.)

The rest of the shoes are still AWOL and the Bandit is remarkably closed mouth about it.

I have a very desperate need to put that one pair of shoes in my purse and take them to work with me tomorrow.

I wonder where the Bandit gets it?