NEW RELEASES
It Was a Dark and Stormy Night….
The winners have been announced for one of my favorite contests, The Bulwer-Lytton Writing Contest. San Jose State University has been sponsoring the contest since 1982. The point of the contest is to write the worst possible 1st sentence for a novel as is inspired by the contest’s namesake, Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who’s 1830 novel, Paul Clifford, famously begins:
| “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents–except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.” |
This year’s winner:
For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss–a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil – Molly Ringle
Geniusly bad. I love it.
Some other notable entries:
Winner of the Detective Category:
She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so. – Steve Lynch
Winner Historical Fiction:
The band of pre-humans departed the cave in search of solace from the omnipresent dangers found there knowing that it meant survival of their kind, though they probably didn’t understand it intellectually since their brains were so small and undeveloped but fundamentally they understood that they didn’t like big animals that ate them. – Mike Mayfield
Winner Romance:
“Trent, I love you,” Fiona murmured, and her nostrils flared at the faint trace of her lover’s masculine scent, sending her heart racing and her mind dreaming of the life they would live together, alternating sumptuous world cruises with long, romantic interludes in the mansion on his private island, alone together except for the maids, the cook, the butler, and Dirk and Rafael, the hard-bodied pool boys. – Paul Chafe
Winner Western:
He walked into the bar and bristled when all eyes fell upon him — perhaps because his build was so short and so wide, or maybe it was the odor that lingered about him from so many days and nights spent in the wilds, but it may just have been because no one had ever seen a porcupine in a bar before. – Linda Boatright
Winner Purple Prose:
The dark, drafty old house was lopsided and decrepit, leaning in on itself, the way an aging possum carrying a very heavy, overcooked drumstick in his mouth might list to one side if he were also favoring a torn Achilles tendon, assuming possums have them. – Scott Davis Jones
Miscellaneous
As the under-appreciated autumn evening faded into yet another soft black velvet fall night, all creatures large and small had settled in except for one, Loupy, the Schipperke, whose job was to keep Anatoly, the night watchman, informed of all things pertaining to the property with her signature uninterrupted warning barks which at this very moment would not subside until her master explained, “We don’t know anyone named Timmy and we don’t have a well.” – Karen Arutunoff
I was tempted to write a bad opening paragraph here in response, but it’s too late at night, and I’m too bushed to think that creatively. There were many laughable entries, but the western winner was the one that busted me up the most; I’m talking tears in my eyes laughter. I am so glad you posted them. It’s been a hectic week, and I needed a good laugh.