My husband is having a small scale existential crises and it’s all my fault.  I began a load of laundry yesterday before going to work.  It consisted of some of The Bandits underwear, his pjs and bedding (there was an accident) and because it was such a small load, I threw in a blanket that was covered with The World’s Laziest Cat’s hair. The blanket is maroon.  Do you see where this is going?

When I went to put the items in the dryer I discovered that the Cars sheets and Quilt were now pink.  The underwear is purple since they started out blue.  I have rewashed them in hot and then cold with several different varieties of soaps including Oxyclean and bleach.  Nothing – still pink.  I’ve since received another hint that I’ll go to the store and purchase tonight and try.  However, I firmly believe that The Bandit won’t care.  Well maybe a little about the PINK sheets but the quilt looks mostly purple because its base was blue to begin with.  Unfortunately, My Honey isn’t going for it. 

Pink is apparently unacceptable.  Not for a boy.  I’ve tried to convince him that it has been only recently that pink became associated as a girl color.  Throughout history, pink was considered too powerful for a woman to carry off.  If you’ll notice, the Virgin Mary is always shown in blue, it was considered the color of girls through most of history.  No dice. 

Apparently, he only likes history when it suits him.

So, I’m turning forty tomorrow.  I’m bouncing back and forth from wild jubilation (After all, it is my birthday and there will be presents!!) and despair (40? How did this happen?).  Those that know me are used to the manic way I approach birthdays.  I LOVE them and celebrate them with gusto, and generally those around me are happy to participate.  I bribe them with cake. 

My often repeated line I took right from telethons: If you saved just a dollar a day, and that’s not much to ask.  Just a dollar a day, you’d have $365.00 each year to buy my birthday present.  And if you combined your $365.00 with others, think of the fantastic present you could buy me.  My best friend from high school, dear Kurt (who turned 40 in July – HA! he’ll always be older than me) sent me a dollar several years ago and called it his first installment. 

This year, even though I’ll have a big party (Thank you in advance to Ava and My Honey) today and most of last week, I’ve felt very blasé about the whole thing, which is most definitely NOT like me.  My mom tries to commiserate with me (she is 22 years older – HA – another one who will always be older than me.  Things are looking up) but while I’m in this age induced melancholy, I think I mostly want to wallow in self pity.  I stare at gray hair and pout.   I look at budding crow’s feet and moan.  Songs from when I was in high school are now classic rock.  I accidently found some skinny clothes from fifteen years ago and wanted to jump off a cliff.  I have a picture on my dresser from when I turned 30 and Isabella and another friend took me to Las Vegas.  Man, if I were as fat now as I thought I was then, how happy I’d be.

Tomorrow the sun will come up, the day will have arrived, and my mom assures me that I’ll feel exactly the same as I did the day before.  Crap.

One of the writers in the Sister’s writing group posted this quote on our loop.  This is unbelievably insightful and true.

“Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.”
-Winston Churchill

So this skinny little blonde I work with has decided that she doesn’t like me anymore.  I know this is true, despite her protestations, because she came up with this “wonderful idea” and wanted to include me.  I work on the 4^th floor of an office building, and she decided that we should walk the stairs during the day, from the 1^st floor up to the roof, back down to 1 and then to our floor.  Just so you don’t have to tax your brain, I’ll tell you that is ten flights of stairs – 200 steps.  She has decided that we should do it EVERY HOUR.  Yes, in answer to your unasked question, she may be insane.  I’m going to contact her mother about it. 

So we did it once today at 11:00.  I took my cell phone in case I needed to call 911.  My legs are still wobbly.  She was ready to go again at 3:00.  I told her there wasn’t a chance in hell that was happening.  For God’s sake, I’m 40 on Wednesday.  You’d think she had more respect for the elderly, or the Queen, or something. 

Wasn’t it nice of her to include me?  I’m definitely calling her mother.

PS – I’m sure I won’t be able to write tonight because I’ll be having my legs amputated.

I had to say one of those things tonight that you never thought you would ever have to say.  Up till now, my favorite was, “We don’t put rice in our armpits”, said to Sassy when she was about 3.  Tonight, I approached My Honey with a full kleenex and said, “Look what came out of your son’s nose”.   The thing was, the item from his nose was not something one would expect, although, considering the source, I don’t know why not.  My Honey made fantastic steak sandwiches with mushrooms, peppers and au jus for dinner.  The Bandit asked me several times during dinner if mushrooms ever come out your nose.  I told him repeatedly, “No” even when he followed up with, “Ever?”  Stupidly, I thought it was more of an esoteric question, a general musing from a curious four year old boy.  We’ve teased him about potatoes in his ears and watermelons growing in his tummy from eating the seeds, so I thought this was a question along that vein.  After his bath he asked if I would look and see if I could see the mushroom.  My stomach dropped.  I peered in there and, indeed, there was something way in the back.  It was either a really large booger or a freaking mushroom.  Fortunately, all it took to extract it was a very dedicated blow of his nose. 

Dear Readers, this is why I have been struggling to get past Lord Dalton and Lady Olivia’s first kiss.   I’ll be way into a longing look, a sensual stroke of the hand, and all of a sudden I’m thinking of mushroom boogers.  Dear lord, help me.

So even after all the shenanigans from the previous night, The Bandit was very busy at Day Care.  I received a call from the Director that went like this:

Director: Will you please talk to The Bandit.  He’s not listening and every time we try to discipline him, he laughs at us.  (I know this scenario well).  By the way, were you on vacation for the last week or so?

 Me: No.  Why do you ask?

 D: For the last week, every time The Bandit gets in trouble, he says, ‘I can do anything I want and not get into trouble because my mom’s on vacation so you can’t call her.’ “

 Of course, for whatever reason they also didn’t call his father either.  When My Honey picked him up from school, no one asked him or told him anything, and the Director often wasn’t around to talk with anyway. 

Which is more remarkable?  The teacher that believed the four year old, or the four year old for coming up with the pretty creative lie?

There was a lot going on at the Bright Compound yester eve.  I got home from work and both kids were in their respective rooms sniveling.  Apparently, SOMEONE wrote with ball point pen on my & My Honey’s sheets and wouldn’t fess up.  I also found blue crayon on The Bandits sheets and his wall.  Needless to say, The Bandit is restricted from using any writing utensil for a week.  But he tries.  He asked me in the most plaintive, angel voice if he could have a pen so he could practice writing his name.  What good decent mother would refuse her child’s desire for education?  This one, that’s who.  Nice try, little boy.

 He also cut his own hair last night.  Sassy immediately professed no knowledge how his head came to be missing half his hair.  I have a tendency to believe her.  Her misbehavior stems mostly from her mouth, not her misdeeds.  He tried to tell me that: 1) I cut it. 2) his teacher cut it 3)it just happened 4) he didn’t know who did it.  In that order.  I think he needs to work on his timeline when lying.  The troubling thing is that we can’t find any evidence of the hair cut.  I expected to find hair somewhere, but nope.  Mysterious.  It doesn’t look too bad unless you stand taller than him and look at his head.  Unfortunately, he’s short.  Remember, he’s four.

The last event in The Bandit Rodeo came at around midnight.  I went in to get him up to go potty in order to avoid a wet bed.  That is a truly hysterical event every evening.  He never actually wakes up, you just walk him into the bathroom, holding him up like a drunk, lean him against the potty and when he feels the porcelain on his thighs, he goes.  Anyway, when I went last night he was wearing his Batman top and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING else.  That would be fine if I walked in and found Christian Bale like that, but not so much The Bandit.  It sets your mind racing.  What could he possibly been up to?  I live in fear that I’ll find out. 

And that, Dear Reader, is why no new words were written last night.  I know you’ll forgive me.  Or, you could come over and wrangle The Bandit and I’ll write like the wind.  No? Ah, well.

My 40th birthday (gasp, wheez, faint) is rapidly approaching.  Ava asked me to write a list of my 40 Favorite Things – do you see the theme here?  Below is the list in black, Ava’s comments in red, my comments back in green, and then Isabella’s in blue.  I’m posting it here because I was requested to do so by a constant reader (god bless her, really!)  The point is, you can really “hear” us in these comments.  Enjoy.  Or not.  Normal people may not find this amusing in any way.  I will not think less of you.

1.My husband He’ll appreciate the top billing.wish i could say the same 

2.My kids

3.My family

4.Books – all books – every genre

5.Movies – especially action and 80’s teen movies (Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink [apparently anything Molly Ringwald was in.] ) I hate molly Ringwald, I’m surprised you don’t hate her since we look like her. It used to bother me back then, but now not so much. When I was in high school I worked at a movie theater, believe me I heard it 2 or 3 times a night.  I can’t watch her act now that she’s an adult.  She’s very annoying and not very good. I have an eighth grade picture of myself that you would swear is molly ringworm, I mean Molly ringwald

6.Buddha & Kwan Yin (the female representation) ditto Kwan yin sister!

7.Ganesha – the Remover of Obstacles, Patron of Letters – often represented with a broken tusk in his hand to write with – “patron saint” in Hindu religions for writing and writer’s block.  Besides, he’s an elephant (see #36) I have him next to my bed…i might need a different kind of elephant for other problems…

8.Cookies – store bought then Oreos, home made then Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip You like store bought cookies better than homemade? NO – but if I’m going to eat store bought cookies I want them to be Oreos.

9.Ice Cream – chocolate chip from Baskin Robbins or cheese cake with Heath bars from Marble Slab Creamery  We should go to Marble Slab for lunch on Friday.

10. DisneyLand – NOT DisneyWorld I want to go to Disneyland in Dec.I want to go to DisneyLand now. I never want to go to Disneyland again…

11. Good Friends Shouldn’t you just have put my and Ava’s names here? Yes, probably.  I think we should rank higher…at least over disneyland : )

12. Shoes – pretty shoes, comfy shoes, cute shoes, all shoes. horribly uncomfortable shoes, shoes for the sake of shoes…

13. Coach purses.  I think the skies just parted…AMEN! , in the non-jesus-ish amen sort of amen. the more i type amen the more it looks like hymen. interesting…

14. Tiffanys – the pretty blue boxes.

15. Wine, Hard Cider (Ace Pear!) and Lambic

16.Sleeping late on 1000 thread count sheets

17.Giggling

18. Writing Number 18?  Your talent has ranked it otherwise.

19. Shopping – see above re: shoes, Tiffanys, Coach

20. Hawaii – especially the North Shore of Kauai – Napali Coast, Hanalei, Princeville

21. Cruises – especially to the Caribbean – St. Lucia, St. John & Antigua

22. Mexican food – cheese enchiladas mmmmmmmmm.

23. Puppies – all fuzzy sweet puppies – especially ones with long ears and big feet who sleep on the table and make a racket while you’re on the phone. And forsake me for my husband.  I swear he’s in love with the man.

24. Pirates – the cool, sexy ones.  Not the Somali type.  See next entry.  See next entry…

25.Johnny Depp – mmmmmmm  Johnny is mine, sorry.  I will call him and see if he can come to your party but you’ll have to keep your hands to yourself.  The birthday girl gets extra privileges doncha know  He’s all yours ladies.  I am saving myself for the very specific, battle-encrusted, skirt-wearing, dreadlock-bearing whats-his-name from that one movie. Crap, I think I have Alzheimer’s.

26. tattoos – I know, but they really are addictive What happens when the girl wants a tattoo?  I’ve been telling her that tattoos and ear piercing are EXQUISITLY painful.  She totally believes me, at least for now.  and I can’t talk my daughter into one for anything…

27. Pedicures & red polish

28. Red Vines – super fresh – I like to tie them in a knot and put the whole thing in my mouth at once.  Sounds like something in a Sherrill Quinn book : )

29. Godiva Chocolate – although usually I don’t get that much of it because either The Bandit or the Dog eats it.  Chocolate will kill your dog but not your kid. Well after they’ve eaten my chocolate, I often want them dead.

30. Presents.  I LOVE getting presents. I have witnessed this euphoria…2 years ago, she opened the presents while the people were in the backyard, before it was present time, then she pretended she had no idea what was in the gift bag when they all came back in and she “opened” them. It was a sight to behold…

31. The Muppets.  That includes Sesame Street.  Especially Grover, Snuffelupugus!, The Swedish Chef, Bunson Honeydew and Beaker, Fozzie Bear, Stattler and Waldorf – really, why limit yourself.

32. Bruce Springsteen – The Boss – Favorite songs of all time – Thunder Road and Born to Run

33. Live blues – one of the best concerts ever was Buddy Guy at the Cajun House in Phoenix

34. My iPod

35. Massages – best if followed up by #27

36. Elephants  WHY? They are matriarchal, they have amazing nurturing abilities, the species is fascinating is so many ways and they look cool.  The African ones are bigger and cooler looking than the Asian ones.  Remind me to tell you a really amazing study they did once.  Blew my mind.  Elephants are one of only two animal species besides humans who will tend to the sick and infirm.  (African weasels the other one, but they are icky and don’t have trunks.) Also, they call the females ‘cows’, which is how i feel right now. well, except for the lactating part.  thank god. as in the the godless wonder of a god, not actually god.

37. Lady Bugs

38. Winning – at anything I’m competing for and just in general.  And you make fun of me! I’m only making fun of you cause you’ll lose to meWith my feeble, diseased brain, I thought this said WHINING. I was laughing and ready to contribute that I, too , am a champion whiner. but nevermind.

39. Sea food – alive they freak me out, but dead and with butter, dear God, Lobster, Crab and Shrimp.  I didn’t know this about you. didn’t know what?  That I love to eat them or that I’m afraid of them when they’re alive?  Seriously, they’re very scary looking.  Very spider like. i wont mention any of this to my vegetarian daughter. she would have nightmares of a buttery mouth savoring seafood.

40. Heirloom jewelry – specifically my Great Grandma’s wedding ring – I wear it every day.  On May 31, 2017 it’ll be 100 years old.