This is how we live our lives.

 We don’t approve of pain, therefore we NEVER suppress and eye roll.

Just say no.

We love Simon’s Cat.

You’re welcome.

On the last day of our vacation, we went to the beach. We did this because my family deeply desired it. Me, not so much. Going to beaches is not high on my list of stuff I need to do. I’m willing to do it though because I love my family.

Lovely Cocoa Beach

Once upon a time, I loved the beach. Or rather I loved the idea of the beach. I had fantasies that I would become a pro surfer and live in a shack on the beach. Of course, it would be a comfortable shack with running water and air conditioning. I want you to know that I lived in Arizona–where there is NO BEACH–and I never actually touched a surf board. The irony of it all is that I burst into flames when I go out into the sun. Eventually my surfing dream died. Luckily it didn’t burn to death. No, it died because I decided I would want a career where I could make some actual money. And not be eaten by a shark. Or drown.

I’ve explained this here before. I can get a sunburn walking to the mail box and back. This is not a joke.

Nevertheless, I went to Cocoa Beach, Florida. There was some appeal because it just so happened that Cocoa Beach was were Captain Nelson found the bottle Jeannie lived in on I Dream of Jeannie. I could really use a genie bottle. I have my three wishes picked out and everything.

I looked all over that beach. High and Low. On the sand and under the water.

No genie bottle.

No, instead I found a sunburn. A fairly epic sunburn, actually.

Yes, I did use sunscreen. In fact, I applied it twice in the few hours I was outside. I even hid under beach towels. It didn’t matter.

I haven’t slept in three days and, at the risk of a huge TMI moment, I’ll tell you I couldn’t wear a bra in the airport on the way home. I had to glide as I walked to keep things from jiggling. I still can’t wear a seatbelt without crying. Such is the magnitude of this burn. OW!

If I did find a genie, the first wish would be No More Sunburns.

With the Ava Bright children being out of town, Ava and Ed decided to go out on Saturday night.  The whole evening started with wanting to go downtown for dinner, have a few drinks, and go play pinball.  This idea was derailed when Ed’s friend texted to see if we wanted to meet up at a restaurant miles from downtown because the friend’s date had a Groupon.  Those of you who know Ed, know that he likes nothing better than saving money – so he agreed.  Ava agreed to agree because she was trying not to be a pain in the *ss.

The restaurant turned out to be a brew pub in a strip mall.  The menu featured bar food.  While Ava doesn’t mind bar food, she does mind the one item on the menu she really, really wanted to be unavailable.  The item was handmade pretzels with beer cheese sauce.  Now you understand her ire.  Note to brew pub: Make sure you have ALL of the food on your menu on SATURDAY night or just go ahead and close down.

Salted Caramel Shake with Bourbon and Bacon

Let me mention that Ed’s friend is an engineer with a PhD.  His date’s degree is in Chinese culture and she has a PhD, as well.  (More on China tomorrow. Make sure you come back here.)  After driving downtown, where you’ll recall we wanted to go in the first place, next on the evening’s agenda was to walk in the 100 degree heat to a restaurant to get take-out bacon because – and I quote “They have the best bacon.” From there, we headed to another restaurant (still 100 degrees out) because they make there own salted caramel ice cream and have super special bourbon.  Super special bourbon is $14.00 a shot.  We then took over half the bar and mixed the bourbon, ice cream, and bacon into shakes.  I swear to god this is true.

After “dessert”, the boy PhD decided we needed to walk in the STILL 100 degree heat to a bar because it’s the oldest bar in our city.  I thought Ed was going to cry but he straightened his spine and agreed to agree because he didn’t want to an old man.  The first thing you notice is the people in the oldest bar in our city are the oldest people in the city as well.  The place was a pit but we drank a pitcher of Coor’s original and played shuffle board.  Ed kept knocking my pucks off the playing field until I loudly announced “Are you trying to shuffle your way out of having sex with me tonight?”  After that I started to win.

Buffet Bar Shuffle Board

The whole evening wound up when Ed said he was going home and if the PhD’s wanted a ride instead of walking all the way back to their apartment in the 100 degree heat they’d better come along.

The shuffle board joke was only for a laugh but the joke ended up on me.  Fifty year old Ed passed out from heat exhaustion as soon as we got home.

I’m sending you the 5 Things this week from Florida. After a week here, we have moss growing in places we didn’t expect. We’ve been paying our homage to the Mouse and to all things Hollywood at Universal. The people watching has been outstanding, let me tell you. Sometimes I’m deeply concerned about the state of our citizenry. Back at the home front, apparently Jojo Kitty terrorized his Aunt. When she came over to feed my fuzzy children, she thought there was a dead snake in his water bowl. Apparently, I forgot to warn her that he is a bit on the sadistic side and I failed to mention that he likes to drown his toys. There was a purple pipe cleaner floating in the water and she was duly terrorized. I’d feel really bad if it wasn’t so funny. Here are some of the best things I encountered while on vacation.

1. My children are wimps. And much like Ava’s children, find me very embarrassing. Or scary. I’m not sure exactly. What it all boils down to is that they wouldn’t allow me to terrorize them on the Haunted House ride. They wouldn’t even sit with me in the little carriage. This may have had something to do with the fact that I kept practicing my evil laugh while in line. BwaHahahahahaha. I’m pretty good at it by now. At least the other people by us in line thought so. Some people just don’t appreciate my talents.

2. Harry Potter. I can’t tell you how much I got my geek on while in the Harry Potter land at Universal. I was sorely disappointed that they only had the Hogsmeade side open and not the Diagon Alley portion. Still, the castle at Hogwarts was astounding and the ride really awesome. I got to go into Olivanders Wand Shop and I touched all the wands. I got Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans and some Chocolate Frogs. I haven’t even opened them up yet to see which wizarding cards I got. Seriously, I’m so in love.

3. Arya retweeted me! I sent the following tweet when leaving the Magic Kingdom today: After 14 hours at Disney World I wish I had Hodor to carry me out of this park. #disneyworld #gameofthrones. Arya Stark of GOT_Arya retweeted it. I realize that it wasn’t the actual Arya – she’s a fictional character, duh. I also know that it wasn’t even the actress. She’s very young and probably should have been in bed already. I understand that in all reality it was some schmo or even just an engine that retweets everything with their hashtag attached, but I don’t care. ARYA RETWEETED ME! I’m famous. (OK – I just looked back and Arya only favorited my tweet. That’s a bit of a let down, don’t you think?)

4. Air conditioning. When I was a kid and we used to go to Mexico for vacation–this was before the drug mobs used to cut off people’s heads and kidnap tourists–we were always amused because shops and restaurants would advertise themselves as having “Ice cold air conditioning” as a lure to get you inside. That could totally work down here in Florida, too. It’s so miserable; I can’t breath. Or maybe I can’t breath because I was not born with gills, which I have determined are essential in dealing with the humidity down here. The whole time I’ve been looking for Mickey Mouse when I probably should have been looking for Aquaman.

5. Not being at work. There you go. enough said.

I’ve decided I’m going to live to be 103.  Why 103, you ask?  Because a fortune teller told me that’s when I’d die and I’m going with it.  If you do the math and you know I’m almost 50, I have 53 years left.  I have more time left than I’ve been alive.  This is very comforting. Here’s some of the stuff I’m going to do/continue to do now that I’m not worried about who is going to pick out my nursing home anytime soon since I’ll be around for a while yet:

This is Rudy Bright. That will be his name when he lives with me and Amy.

I’m going to continue to drive Amy crazy with my OCD issues.  Can you just imagine how bad that’s going to be with old people ailments thrown into the mix? Just wait until I need a new white purse!  Or a nice shoe I made up entirely in my head? Sorry Amy.

I’m going to continue to do things that require the girl that lives at my house to say “Can you NOT be you?”  I have no idea what’s she talking about but she says it a lot so I’ll just keep being me so she can keep being a teenager with “mom embarrassment feelings”. I feel certain I can still get her to say it when she’s 30.  I’m certainly going to try.

I’m going to “liberate” a red panda from a zoo.  I’m really going to do it.  And I won’t botch the job like I did when I was 17 and thrown out of the Bronx Zoo and told to never return.  Ever.

I’m going to be the person who finally cracks the code of why Americans have gotten so fat over the past 20 years or so. It absolutely will be me because I’m not giving up until I have the puzzle solved.  This diet odyssey won’t kill Amy and she should stop complaining to anyone who will listen about it.  Jeeez, Amy.  You’re a hardy little thing.  Hang in there since you have to make it to at least 99 so you can out live me.

Hey! Hello from the land of humidity! Holy Crap! I always forget how outrageously humid it is here. The desert where I’m from is hot. Like HOT, but it’s a dry heat. Most of the time, us Arizonans just want to smack anyone who says that inane phrase because 117 degrees is HOT no matter what bullshit you call it. A dry heat means that, when you go outside, your hair catches on fire and your face melts. Here in Florida, there’s so much moisture in the air that I’m pretty sure I’d be better off wearing water wings than make-up.

We flew for 75 hours, switched planes in Denver, and landed in Orlando on Saturday.

Our resort is gorgeous. The house is huge. The children are in a separate wing.  It’s heaven.

We went to get groceries for our time share–to make breakfast. I swear. I’m not crazy enough to consider cooking meals on vacation. We will however, make breakfast cause that affords me an extra 15 or 20 minutes of sleep a day. I love sleep. Especially on vacation.

Blahahahaahahaha

Anyway, at the grocery store I took a picture of the Mexican Food Section because it was hysterical. Remember, I’m from the home of the best Mexican food in the entire world–including actual Mexico–and this was an abomination. The tortillas were made in Georgia. Sweet Jesus (that’s pronounce Hay-zeus because we’re taking about Mexican food. Clever, eh?).

Much to Ava’s chagrin, we didn’t go to Walt Disney World on Sunday. Or Monday. Or Tuesday. “WHAT?” she shrieked via text.

We’ve not been to Universal Studios Orlando, so that’s what we did Monday and Tuesday. And we’re exhausted. HOWEVER, I did get to go to Harry Potter Land–or whatever the hell they call it–and it was AWESOME!!! We bought wands. Of course, I bought Severus Snape’s wand because I’ve long had a

Don’t do it!

crush on both Severus and Alan Rickman. My kids have been flashing their wands at everyone yelling Avada Kedavra. I have no idea where my children got the desire to off everyone. Based on yesterday’s blog, maybe it’s from their Aunt Ava.

Sassy, The Bandit, and Phil

I got a weird variation on my Chocolate Covered Frozen Banana requirement. I ALWAYS eat one in Disneyland. Always. It’s not to be debated. It’s an homage to my grandmother, Adabelle. Anyway, I decided to try one at Universal. It was a mistake. It was NOT the same and the tradition has not been altered. I’ll have to get one on Thursday when we head over to the Magic Kingdom. Just so you know, colored sprinkles seem like a good idea, but they’re not.

The next day we found a Minion. I want one of my very own, but I got in trouble when I tried to take this one home. The people at Universal can’t take a joke.

There was a big Lucille Ball exhibit. We do indeed Love Lucy. One of the things included were scads of her awards. There were Emmys and various keys to various cities and a whole bunch of others honors. Then there was this. I’d tell you what it was, but I have no freaking idea. Look at how tarnished it is. This is awful. I know a certain World’s Greatest Receptionist who is a mighty fine silver polisher. I understand she’s bored and lonely right now so Universal should hit her up.

One last thing before I sign off.

The resort we’re at shares a property line with Disney’s Wild Kingdom (or whatever the hell they call it). This is very, very exciting. I’m keeping a very close ear to the ground regarding escaped animals. If a lion should happen to wander over to our house, I have a plan. There’s a screened in porch right on the 9th green that would make a very cozy den until I figure out how to get a crate suitable for shipping.

Don’t act all surprised if you hear anything on the news.

It was an extremely excruciatingly sad lonely day at the Bank of No Forks today.  As you know, Amy is on vacation.  In addition to Amy being out, another of our work buddies isn’t in either. If I had a dollar every time someone said “It sure is quiet without Amy here.” I could have bought lunch at Chipotle. The World’s Greatest Receptionist and I were left to our own devices.

At the end of the longest day of our lives, WGR and I congratulated ourselves for not killing anyone.  I know you’re thinking it’s more likely that someone might get killed when Amy is with us but you’d be wrong.  Our dynamic works on a 2 to 1 ratio.  Two of us will decide that someone needs to die and the third will save them.

This is a real fire ant. His name is Wendell.

For example, Amy and WGR will decide that a person who cuts in line at Chik-Fil-A must be skinned and left for fire ants to dispose of the evidence while I can’t get excited about a line cutter – my reaction is always “Calm down, ladies, she must be in a hurry and we’ve got ’til 6:00 tonight.” Or I’ll decide the guy at the Hobby Lobby is annoying the crap out of me and WGR will hate his shirt and we’ll make plans to take him ’round back to the dumpster and Amy will say “For Cricket sake, the poor guy is just here to work.”

So, you can see when two of us are alone, nothing good can come from it.  We need that 2 to 1 ratio to stay out of jail. But no one died today.  We minded our own business for once and hope to continue in that vane through the week.  Truthfully, it would just be best if Amy flew home tonight as an act of kindness to the desert dwellers here in our town.  Amy – wish you were here!

If you read this blog, you know that I pack in a certain way and complete an index card for each outfit.  I start figuring out what I need weeks in advance and begin the long process of gathering everything up.  Not only do I do this for myself but depending on who in my family is traveling with me, I do it for them as well.

The children who live at my house have begun making trips on their own or with other family members without me.  Both of them leave on Tuesday with their grandmother to make a visit back east to spend three weeks with our relatives there.  Ed and I don’t go to join up with them until July 3rd.  Some of us work . . . and aren’t on summer vacation or retired – but we’re not bitter.  Actually, we’re going to pretend we never had children for a whole nine days.

Not the girl’s luggage, she does’t like cute stuff

Anyway, weeks ago I started prepping them to begin to think about packing and what they need to get if they need something.  No one, and I do mean no one, acted as if they were going to need to go on a shopping trip for the trip.  That is until Friday night hit. Friday night consisted of “when are we going shopping?, you know we leave on Tuesday, we need stuff, blah, blah, blah”.

My first thought was to teach them both a lesson and not take them shopping on Saturday but who would that really hurt?  Them or me – who didn’t go shopping?  So, come Saturday morning, off we went to the outlets just over an hour from our house.  We got pretty near everything they needed.  I even got the cutest summer dress . . .

We unpacked our haul and the girl started laying out outfits, asking me what went with what.  This is the girl who doesn’t care what she looks like.  Then, she gets out a piece of paper and starts writing it all down.  Tears filled my eyes.  I think I may have sobbed.  I fully believed she was never going to learn anything from me.  It was a proud moment when I realized I’d passed down this bit of OCD to her.

My next goal is to get her to understand when she goes to college she needs to wash her sheets far more than the national average of once every six months.  I’ll let you know how it goes . . .