November 6

Halloween is over. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. Christmas is peeking around the corner; its imminent. It seems so cliché to ask, “Where has the year gone?” but we keep saying it anyway. Honestly, we have no idea. Just last week it was Valentine’s Day. The thing that alarms us more than the fact that Christmas is almost here and that the year has gotten really far away from us and we didn’t get the books written that we expected to. We’d like to say that we’re going to write like the wind this month in honor of National Novel Writing Month, but we all know that’s not true. Maybe our New Year’s Resolution should be to stop lying to ourselves–but we know that’s a lie, too. Anyway, that’s what’s happening over here. We’re

Here’s Amylynn and Ava if we were manatees. See they’re talking shit right now.

right on track for our nervous breakdowns. How’s stuff in your neck of the woods? Here’s some funny stuff that will make you forget the missed deadlines and ill-advised commitments you got yourself involved with.

1. Floating cows. There are so many jokes here, and not one of them is original. This is Manatee Awareness Month. When Amylynn told Ava about this, she got all shriek-y and flapped her arms around. “What do we care?” she asked in a volume that’s not welcome at Starbucks. “We hate humanity! Haven’t you been paying attention at all?” She calmed down considerably when Amylynn pronounced M A N A T E E really slowly and deliberately. “Oh,” Ava said and dabbed at the spilled coffee. “We like manatees.” Everyone likes manatees. They’re round and slow and eat lettuce so we don’t have to. They convince us that we don’t look nearly as bad in a swimming suit as they do, although we don’t appreciate it when the

No chicken. No plan.

National Geographic people show up at the hotel pool and inquire as to where the manatees are. We kid! Sorta. We also feel like manatees are appreciative of self-deprecating humor and they’d laugh at our jokes.

2. Woman without a plan. You probably all saw the news story about the woman in Omaha who snuck into the closed zoo and got her arm chomped when she tried to pet a tiger. We’ll bet you all read that story and said to yourselves, “What the hell is wrong with people?” That’s not what the Sisters thought at all. You probably read further in the article and saw, “suspect that drugs and alcohol were involved” and thought DUH, obviously! Want to know what the Sisters thought? We wanted to know if she’d brought a chicken with her. Our plans always involve offering the giant kitty a chicken. We’ve thought this through long and hard and we have several plans. One might involve us climbing over that wall several nights in a row, each time with a Costco chicken. By the fourth night that kitty is going to be waiting on us and he’s gonna say, Hey! It’s the chicken ladies. I LOVE the chicken ladies! That, our friends, is how you get to pet a tiger. We have a special code. “Don’t ask any questions. Come to my house and stop at the Costco.” Things are gonna happen!

3. We already have front teeth. What we don’t have is this trunk. The annual Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts catalogue came out just in time for Christmas. Most of it we’re not interested in. We don’t like to go outside, so we’re certainly not going to pay $90,000 to go up in that crazy balloon to the edge of the atmosphere. Also, we’re pretty sure it’s cold up there. What we do want is that glorious trunk full of spectacular jewelry inspired by Iris Apfel. This is an amazing fantasy gift we didn’t even know we needed until we saw it. It’s worth every penny of the $80,000 they want for it. We had a brainstorm the other day about how to make our fortunes. We’re going to become printers. You know, people who sit around all day and print stuff. It’s going to work out. We have a business plan. There’s a line item in the budget for bulk chickens and now we’ve added this trunk. Things are going to work out for us. You’ll see. Maybe we’ll let you pet our tiger.

4. And this is where we’re going to live. Check this out. This is the most expensive hotel suite in America. For the paltry sum of $75,000 a night you can stay in the penthouse suite in The Mark Hotel in Manhattan. It’s 12,000 square feet takes up the two top floors with 5 bedrooms, four fireplaces, 6 bathrooms, 2 powder rooms, and two wet bars. They don’t want you to get bored while you’re there so there is a conservatory, library lounge, and a dining room that can hold a dinner party of 24. About that dinner party…the restaurant chef has put together an exclusive menu for the suite besides the regular 24 hour room service. Also,

If he looks like this from the front…

unlimited access to the fleet of bicycles (um…no), pedicabs (maybe) and en suite chauffeur service (now you’re talkin’!). We’re also betting there’s plenty of staff at The Mark willing to turn a blind eye to a tiger in your room when you’re paying $75,000 a night. Call room service for another chicken!

5. Bond, James Bond.The Sisters have already seen the new James Bond movie because DANIEL CRAIG. Although, Daniel is a bit older than Jared and Tom, he is still hot.  There’s a scene in which he’s wearing a pair of jeans and, oh dear, all of the woman in the audience gasped in unison. All of the men in the audience stared at their dates. One man clearly asked, “Why are the women gasping?” Why indeed. Go see the movie this weekend and report back here if you found those jeans to be gasp worthy.  We do think you’ll agree.