August 31

We’re gonna try something different with the five things today. No one reads this anyway so we don’t expect to get a lot of disgruntled comments. Although, honestly, at this point any comment that isn’t selling penis enlargement drugs is welcome. We’ve decided that we’re on the right track to becoming cat ladies. With that in mind, we’ve decided to dedicate this week’s episode to cats. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to come up with five different cat stories so another stealthy animal crept in there. You know us well enough by now to know that we are perfectly willing to adopt any animal so foolish as to wander over by us. So here we go. If you’re allergic, take a pill and hunker down.

1. Mountain Lion. A two year old mountain lion tried to get into Harrah’s Casino in Reno last week. Ultimately, he didn’t make it because he couldn’t negotiate the revolving door. His behavior was likened to a “stupid teenager” and he was described as being underaged. Are we carding mountain lions now? Really? Jeez, Nevada is getting really strict. We suspect the dude was looking for a nice breakfast buffet and if there’s one place on Earth there is likely to be a buffet fit for a mountain lion it would be in Nevada. Maybe he’d have had better luck in Las Vegas. Honestly, most of the people there

Actual photo of “large domestic cat”. We kid you not.

are so drunkenly intent on their slot machine we doubt he would have been noticed.

2. Here, kitty kitty. There has been a flurry of activity around St Osyth, England. Apparently, there is a “lion” on the loose. Twenty-five officers, a helicopter and workers from a local zoo are running around the countryside looking for a lion that no one will confirm or deny losing. Actually, we thought that a zoo would have a pretty good handle on exactly how many lions they have at their facility. If they’re playing fast and loose with their census numbers then that makes our job of kidnapping a lion cub a whole lot easier. There have been photographs and eyewitnesses of the animal and yet, because they can’t find it, have decided to downgrade the situation from a lion to a

To be clear, THIS is a large cat. Not a “cougar”

“large domestic cat.” How freaking big do they grow their cats over in England? Even after reports of hearing a roar, the officials are sticking with their plan. They have, however, suggested that the locals stay inside. You know, cause there’s an enormous freaking cat wandering around.

3. Feeding cats steroids.That is our only explanation for this next story. In Lynden, Washington there were all kinds of reports of a “cougar” at the fairgrounds. The officials sent the police out there and finally an officer was able to get within a few feet of the animal. This time they were able to confirm that the “cougar” was “a very muscular orange-colored domestic cat.” WTF people? Everyone seems to be focusing on a pending zombie apocalypse and that stupid Mayan calendar thing when what we really need to be worried

Wheeeeeeee!

about is what the hell these domestic cats are eating. Was this the Arnold Schwarzenegger of kitties?

4. Gratuitous bear story. Around the corner from our little town an even smaller town was blessed with the sight of a cavorting bear. Joggers and bus riders were warned to be on the alert. Eventually the bear was steered back into the mountain area “more suitable for bears” and the fun was over. You know what? He was probably just trying to steer clear of the roving gang of “muscular” orange cats with the German accents.

5. Cats pulling their own weight. It has come to our attention that some people’s cats are actually earning their own keep instead of lounging around and shedding like our cats do. These cats, most of which seem to reside in Japan somewhere, actually make enough money on YouTube to buy their owners new apartments. We can’t even get ours to earn enough money to buy their own food.