We had to go to the Hobby Lobby today. First, we’d like to mention that no one was harmed, although it was touch and go there for a while. Amylynn and The World’s Greatest Receptionist got HANGRY and Ava wouldn’t let us leave because she has to touch every single thing in the store. (True – I do need to touch everything in there.)  She will try to claim that this is somehow Amylynn’s fault but it isn’t (False – we were there for Amy’s table décor for AZ Dreamin’). Ava was doing this on purpose and Amy and WGR were innocent bystanders. It got so bad that Amy had to go get a cart because her purse got so heavy her arm was going to fall out of it’s socket (False – Amy’s arm was going to fall out of its socket not due to time but because she keeps EVERYTHING she owns in there except her husband and children.). Pretty soon they’re not going to let us back in that store (False – they will always let Ava in the Hobby Lobby, she has their platinum card.). It wasn’t anyone’s fault but Ava’s. Fortunately, these things are funny anyway.

1. This is the exact reason the Universe won’t allow us to be rich. Dracula’s castle is for sale. It’s in Romania, obviously. The listing price is somewhere in the neighborhood of 47M pounds. Construction began in 1377, so it’s really old. We think that alone will allow us to negotiate a lower price. The other thing in our negotiating favor is the fact that, though there are 57 bedrooms, there is not one single bathroom. Not a one. And get this. They don’t even advertise that the place is haunted. We think that would make it more valuable, right?  We would have already bought this if we had the money and that’s why the gods don’t allow us anymore than $58.00 at anyone time.

2. Tainted cheese. A mozzarella factory in Rome has been shut down by the police and they arrested thirteen people after discovering the prized local buffalo milk was being cut with cheaper cow milk. Our whole world is blown. We’re not sure how we’ll ever go on.

We’re not sure we’re brave enough to milk her – that could be the problem all along

What are we supposed to do with this information? If you can’t trust your cheese, what the hell can you trust? Seriously. How long did this go on? Are those Italians so uncultured as to not recognize when their mozzarella is impure? We can’t believe it.  And who knew that buffalo’s give milk?

3. Maybe they keep them in the chickens. A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested for breaking into his neighbors house. He claimed that the only reason he was in there was because he needed some eggs for breakfast. Oddly he was looking for these eggs in the dressers and cabinet doors all over the house. Why don’t the people in Pennsylvania keep their eggs in the refrigerators like normal people? Is this a thing in Pennsylvania? All Pennsylvania or just Middletown? Bizarre. Wait a minute. Maybe we didn’t understand the point of this story.

4. Everyone needs a hobby. We’ve been trying to figure out how to fill our days at Bank of No Forks and we have recently been inspired by a 34-year-old hairdresser from Virginia. She is now among the world most elite counterfeiters. She discovered that she could erase the ink from five dollar bills by soaking them in “Purple Power” degreaser and rubbing them with toothbrushes. She dried the blank, water-marked bills with a hairdryer, then ran them through an HP printer and TADAA! Now she had fifty and one hundred dollar bills. Did you know Amazon will deliver a five gallon bucket of that degreaser for $58.00. We’re just sayin’.

5. This isn’t funny. But it sorta is. Remember Clay Aiken? He won American Idol. He was running for a political office in North Carolina. Apparently, he was in the lead. The other guy, Keith Crisco, didn’t do so well in the election. Aiken was beating him soundly before the vote. That’s sort of embarrassing for a politician, don’t you think? Not that we mean anything disparaging about Mr. Aiken, we don’t know anything about his politics, but it would be a bit embarrassing to lose to a former American Idol. Mr. Crisco did the only thing he could under the circumstances. He died. Seriously. That’s awful for Mr. Crisco’s family, and we’re very sorry. But at least he didn’t officially lose if he’s dead.

I’ve been very excited about the release of my first contemporary romance, COOKING UP LOVE, coming out June 2 with Carina Press. Ava and I really love this book, and I’ll tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it’s the best thing I’ve written. It’s funny and sexy and touching.

I have officially tooted my own horn. Ava’s always yelling (yes, yelling) at me that I don’t toot my horn enough.

Anyway, part of the process of a book release is, of course, the agonizing process of getting reviews. You send it out there and just hope people get what you were trying to do with your book. It’s scary stuff, indeed.

That’s why I nearly lost my mind when my first review for this book came out last night. It’s a five star review on The Romance Reviews.com. I found it late while the entire world was asleep except me.

It was agony. My mom was asleep – she never sleeps. My Honey was asleep. Ava was asleep. Most of Facebook was asleep (thank you Kilian and Debby for being awake!). Jojo Kitty loves me but he was fairly unimpressed when I read it to him aloud. Winnie the Wonder Mutt was excited, but she’s excited about everything. She’s a piss poor barometer.

According to my favorite reviewer, this book is:

COOKING UP LOVE is a fun and sexy take on the typical romantic comedy genre.

COOKING UP LOVE was a surprising gem in the sea of standard issue rom-coms! Ms. Bright’s sarcastic sense of humor totally enamored me to both Mark and Holly, and I really felt a vested interest in the two of them succeeding as a couple. Funny, romantic and downright sexy, COOKING UP LOVE features some LOL worthy sentences sprinkled throughout that I could instantly picture myself saying to my BFF’s, adding to my enjoyment of the book.

Ms. Bright gave us just the right mixture of fun and frisky

This couple is just so realistic and endearing that you just want to hug them both!

Go read the whole review here. The book is available for presale then you can see for yourself.

Here are some things I’d like to note–some random thoughts. I have these a lot.

The daughter and sister of plumbers should not have this many plumbing problems in her house. Nothing can finish off a day like turning on the disposal in the kitchen and have water pour out from the cabinets.

My eleven-year-old daughter no longer believes in the Tooth Fairy. That has not stopped her from blackmailing us when she lost a tooth this week. Right this minute she’s in the family room wiggling all the rest of the baby teeth to loosen them up. Apparently. this is her plan to make

The bean of death

money for our summer vacation.

I really love jelly beans, however, I DO NOT like the black licorice ones. I do, however, like the grape ones. I do not like that the grape ones and the licorice ones are so similar in color. You often can’t tell them apart no matter if you put your bifocals on and stare at them under a microscope and high-powered spot lights. This is not a time you want to be cavalier. If you say, “Eh, fuck it” and put an unidentified black licorice jelly bean in your mouth, you can ruin your whole day. Hey, Jelly Belly people – can you do something about this? I suggest you remove all the black ones. NO ONE LIKES THOSE. Thank you.

I think nine-year-old boys are difficult. When I was filling out the admission forms for summer camp today, there was a question on whether my child was easily managed. I suggested they keep and old priest and a young priest on call in case they need to do an exorcism. I try to be helpful.

I miss Charles Grodin. He’s not dead, thank Zeus, but I wish he was in more stuff.

Alright, that’s enough of my non sequitors for tonight.

Ava and I have been rewatching Game of Thrones at Bank of No Forks for the last couple of weeks. Some of the girls have never seen it. and Ava and I are more than happy to watch it over from the beginning even while we remain up to date with the recent episodes.

We’ve both read the first book and I was about half way through the second before I set it aside. I wish I had time to read them all. I love the books but I don’t get to read as much as I wish I could anymore.

Game of Thrones has so many freaking characters and plots that this is actually helping me keep  some of the more convoluted stuff straight.

I also love remembering how much I love some of the lesser known characters like Shae (even though we’re struggling with her at the moment) and Brienne of Tarth, and, believe it or not, the Hound.

We want to make it known that we’re on team Daenerys. Honestly – she’s the mother of dragons. SHE HAS DRAGONS! Duh.

If that should fail, we’re migrating to Bran Stark. He can sorta morph into a dire wolf. He’s a warg and we like the looks of that.

Are you a Thrones watcher? Who is your favorite character? Who are you rooting for?

For more fabulous infographics follow the jump to TheChive.com

This week went by pretty quickly. It was touch and go there for a while. We didn’t hold out a lot of hope when we woke up on Tuesday and thought it was Friday. But things have worked out – to the surprise of us all. Amylynn finished the first draft of her next book, Finish What We Started, with Carina Press. It’s a damn fine thing to be done with it since it’s due on 5/14. Moods have improved. Celebratory cake has been eaten.  It comes out in December. Don’t be concerned. You’ll be notified again. So here’s some funny stuff we noticed this week.

1. National Bike to Work Day. That happened this week. Did you bike to work? Would you believe us if we told you that we did? Boy, are you gullible. We disapprove of biking, possibly because we’re not very good at it. It’s a challenge to stay up on two skinny wheels. And then when you get off after a day of being forced to bicycle with your crazy family, your tushie always hurts. And it makes you sweaty. Work is bad enough without being forced to do it with a sore and sweaty tushie. If it helps, we might consider carpooling, instead of bike riding, if we can stop off at the bakery on the way.

2. John Oliver. Oh how we enjoyed John Oliver’s tenure helming The Daily Show when Jon Stewart was away last summer. Oliver’s new show is on HBO, Last Week Tonight, and it’s a delight, we’ll tell you. Best line so far? This from Kellogg, the people who make candy you put in milk. HA! Also, he promises that if you hang with him through complicated and touchy subjects, then we can all watch a hamster eat a tiny burrito together. Go watch it, it’s really true.  A tiny hamster, eating, we swear.  It’s totally worth it. Smart men are so attractive.

3. Speaking of attractive. The State of Arizona has respectfully requested that The Daily Show stop making fun of us. “We’ve been the laughingstock to some parts of the nation in ways that are not really fair.” The Sisters would also like everyone to stop making fun of Arizona, but sadly we keep doing really stupid stuff here. Jackassedry reigns supreme.

4. We weren’t in Brazil.  The police in Sao Paulo found a lion that was stolen from an animal shelter. They found him at a breeding farm. Okay, wait. First of all, it seems the Brazilians keep lions in animal shelters. Can you just walk in there an adopt one? Really? Also, what is this farm business? Are they trying to tell us that they breed them on farms like cows or chickens? You can say all you like about the US being the land of milk and honey and such, but we don’t see any lion farms around here. Don’t worry. We’re on it. Apparently, all we need to do is sneak over there and steal a boy lion and a girl lion and–VOILA–we have a farm. Keep an eye on The Daily Show. We suspect we’re going to be in the news yet again.  Sorry Arizona.

5. All Carl’s need apply.  Today we went to a store and “Carl” worked there.  After seeing him, we decided all businesses need to employ a “Carl”.  We can’t wait.  “Carl,” we’ll say, “go buy donuts.”  He’ll also be in charge of refusing the FBI entrance into our office fortress.  He will address all of us as “Your Grace”.  See?  Now you want a Carl, too.

The problem is we doubt either one of us could sit still or be quiet long enough…

The Bandit just turned nine. He was supposed to be born on 5/5/2005. What a cool birthday, huh? I had the C-section scheduled for that day and everything. Sadly, suggesting that he would be difficult his entire life, he insisted on coming on 5/3 foiling all my plans.

For his birthday this year, his uncle got him a cool crank radio. He was showing me all the nifty things the radio did – like requiring no batteries, charging cell phones with a solar panel, all kinds of weather channels and such. All very cool for a cub scout to have.

The one he was the most impressed with amused the shit out of me.

“When you don’t get very good reception you can raise this thing–” he extended the antennae “–and voila, the radio is clearer.”

“That’s awesome, little man.”

We accomplished some serious personal milestones this week at the office.  To start, not a single one of us took a nap, we didn’t even rest our eyes.  Additionally, we only had dessert twice between Monday and Friday – generally, dessert doesn’t happen any less than three times a week.  Lastly, we started the Game of Thrones, the finest HBO series ever made.  Here’s some other personal bests that didn’t involve us.

Why did they even let him in?

1. Perhaps he should behave himself. The American drummer from The Scorpions was in Dubai acting like a jackass. He’s been convicted of offensive behavior and will have to spend one month in jail over it. Apparently, he was insulting Islam, raising his middle finger, and being a drunken jerk. He was arrested and was a no-show at the next gig in Bahrain. What happens when the drummer just doesn’t show up? Does the drum tech go on? We’re going to have to ask Amylynn’s Honey – he’s a musician and he knows this stuff. In the meanwhile, if you’re an American drummer, just don’t go around flipping people off and you’ll stay out of trouble. Hopefully.

2. Flying teeth. A guy in Madrid held up traffic on the busiest highway because he stopped to find his false teeth when they flew out of his mouth when he sneezed while riding his motorcycle. Can you imagine everyone being stopped on I-10 in the middle of LA because some guy sneezed out his teeth? It’s insane. The best part of the story is that the police made him get back on his bike and get moving. There’s no word on whether he found them or not. How funny if you stop to change a flat and find some teeth lying around. BAH!

3. A new marketing ploy. The Red Cross calls Ava almost daily to get her to come down and give her O positive blood. The vampires are relentless. She’s done it in the past and they firmly believe there’s more where that came from.  The Thai Red Cross had Storm Troopers in giving blood. We love this.  Once we saw this, Ava decided that if they promised

We refuse to believe we’re related to this bit of yumminess. NOPE

her a Storm Trooper costume she’d be happy to show up down there. Red Cross, are you listening?  She also likes Darth Vader.  A lot.

4. We’re related.  It turns out that all of us are relatives.  It only takes about 64 generations past before sheer human numbers cause you to have to accept this fact.  Why do we bring this up you wonder?  We bring this up because it’s always easier to get a “loan” from cousins than the bank.  Unless the banker is a human and then – BINGO – he’s a cousin too!  Now, about that money . . .

5. Being cheated. Ava, once again, has been given a loaner Cadillac while her almost five-year-old Caddy is in for repairs. This time she’s feeling very cheated because they only gave her the $80,000 car instead of the $85,000 one they gave her last time. It would be fine except that they dealer told her with regret that this one doesn’t have parallel parking assist like the last loner did. WHAT? We didn’t know that the last car had this feature or we’d have spent at least one whole day in the parking lot at Bank of No Forks playing with that. Honest to God, it pisses us off because we are desperate for things to do there and that would have been awesome!

The girls at Bank of No Forks are our own worst enemies. Every Monday we all show up for work with dieting on our minds. There is grumbling by noon on Monday. Tuesday there might be a slip. Wednesday shit happens. Thursday we abandon all hope. By Friday we hate ourselves.

Take for instance yesterday. The Worlds Greatest Receptionist (henceforth referred to as WGR) and I went to fetch lunch. We got excellent chile lime salads. Very healthy. On the way back to the office, less than a mile away, she says, “I want cake. CAAAAAAAAAAKE.”

Me, being the good friend that I am say, “Where from?”

She can’t make up her mind. She’s straining to think of a nearby bakery.

I take pity on  her. “I know of one. The secret bakery.”

“The secret bakery? What’s that?” she says. I can see suspicion on her face.

“A bakery that is a secret.” I try to act nonchalant. She gives me a quizzical look, and I cave. “It’s a secret cause that’s the bakery Ava and I go to and don’t tell you about.”

So now she’s pissed. Betrayed, and rightfully so. I direct her to the place and she’s in love. We brought back three giant slices of cake to share with the girls.

Now its Wednesday. I thought we were doing very well, diet wise. Ava had been in an absolutely FIERCE mood after dealing with the Cadillac dealer first thing in the morning. (Just a hint to GM and the guys over at the dealer – we just finished watching Breaking Bad and I’d be careful if I was you. Don’t use any Truvia is all I’m saying.) I’m freaking out over the book I’m trying to finish on schedule. WGR was feisty probably out of solidarity with the rest of us.

I went to take The Bandit to the doctor. This is the first text I got while in the waiting room.

 How can this be ignored?

This is just a sampling. Another followed and another and another. Not long after this barrage, I got a text from someone else in the office. Someone who doesn’t usually participate in this nonsense. When she texted her wishes, I couldn’t very well ignore the nicest person in the building.

I got no less than fifteen text on the topic of donuts. You see all the donut emojis?

Don’t you love the pictures of the fruit with the “none a dis!” comment?

We’re a hopeless mess.

Honestly.

So I did. I found us donuts. I told the checkout person I lost a bet, I was so ashamed.

And we ate them.

Donuts filled with sorrow.

Normally, I don’t go for winkers. There’s something inherently suspect about someone who winks at you. Most men are demoted right to icky the minute they try that winking business.

Not this one.

Oh no.