As those of you who read this blog on a regular basis know – we love Red Pandas.  They’re freakin’ adorable and we have risked jail to add one to our family.  We also love cookies.  Drum roll please . . . here’s a red panda eating cookies.  Our day is complete and we hope yours is as well.  All together now – AWWWWWWWWWW!

I’m supposed to be writing on my WIP (that’s work in progress for the uninitiated in the writer’s world acronyms) but I paused for a Pinterest break. That means I was sucked into that vortex for at least an hour before I even realized it.

I’d like to say that it’s important for me to have visuals in my head of my hero and heroine before I get very far. It is important, but no one needs to do that for an hour. Still, God I love Pinterest.

Anyway, I needed to come up with an 1815 American sea-captain that would look just disreputable enough to captivate an English Miss.

I think I did it.

What do you think? Is this Nathaniel Johnson, Captain of Martha’s Patriot?

He cleans up really well, but I kinda like him a bit scruffy and wind-blown.

Go here and see the rest of the board so far.

It’s been a really long week. One of those weeks that goes on for like 6 weeks. Or at least 17 days. Extraordinarily tedious days spreading one to the next. It was very existential. Perhaps part of the problem was that Amylynn finally caved in and read The Fault In Our Stars. That book will kill you unless you’re Ava, then you’re dead inside and all that misery won’t affect you like a human. Also, the puzzle at work is taking forever and we’re tired of looking at all these red and white pieces that don’t fit anywhere. Thank God there were some things that made us laugh and we’re going to share them with you.

1. People with too much money. Some fellow in Braintree, MA owns a Maserati. Well, if that wasn’t annoying enough, we’ll tell you that he had it painted like a cop car. That got him in a wee bit of trouble with the actual police who did not find it funny. Instead of a regular cop car, this one was decked out with Decepticons logos. For example, the door stated, “Decepticons punish and enslave.” Isn’t that nice. He was charged with impersonating a police officer. Or a Transformer. Either way, there are people with way too much money who clearly don’t know how to spend it.

2. Another brilliant mayoral decision. In the wee town of Cormorant, MN the citizens elected Duke the Great Pyrenees to the office of Mayor. He won in a landslide. The election committee didn’t disclose exactly how many of the twelve votes that were cast actually went to Duke the dog, but the majority did. Yes, you read that correctly. Twelve votes were cast. Obviously, this is a major metropolis. Still, let’s be honest. It’s not like our state is known for making wise choices with it’s elections so we shant be casting stones. In fact, the Sisters are thinking of nominating Jojo Kitty for governor.

3. Beau the maimer. In the spirit of full disclosure, we’ll tell you that not only did Amylynn request the specific maiming procedure, but she spent a considerable amount of money being maimed. We told you about the first tattoo on her wrist–the one with the crown and Calm Down. Well, she did another one, too. She had a twenty-seven year old tattoo that was darned near unidentifiable at this point. It took three hours yesterday to cover it up. Beau was the tattooist. He put up with an enormous amount of torture from Ava who terrorized him with comments like, “It better be perfect.” Also, turns out Amylynn did a lot of involuntary flinching. Amy was forced got to listen to hours of conspiracy theories that spanned ebola all the way to alien visitation. Good times.

4. Vegetables aren’t funny. It’s true. Many vegetables have absolutely no sense of humor. Take broccoli for instance. Seriously, take the broccoli. Ick. We read an article that suggested many new marketing ploys for food in the coming years. It was suggested that the farmer people will start taking out ads for broccoli. What could they possibly do to make us eat it? Not even covering it in chocolate would do it. Not even wrapping a $50 bill around a stalk would entice us. Broccoli is icky. You can go ahead Madison Avenue. Take your best shot.

5. Does your dog have green eyes? Researchers say it’s possible dogs get jealous. Well duh.  Of course they do.  The second we pay any attention to the cats, the dogs come right over pushing their noses against our leg with tails wagging.  Interestingly, the cats don’t get jealous.  They just give you the “If you’d rather scratch that drooling monster go ahead, we might be available when you come to your senses” look.

5.

Since we’ve had such a fascination lately with armadillos, I thought you might enjoy this. The True Facts series on YouTube is a scream.

Once I watched this I am 100% certain we will not be getting a screaming armadillo. I have screaming kids at home and I don’t need any more of that nonsense.

The best part is Jerry. Remind me not to have Jerry do research for me on my latest historical.

FINALLY! The present the kids got me that was shipping from England arrived.

Sassy built it and it’s awesome – a personalized iPhone case. She took all the pictures of my kids and fuzzy babies and her father.

I have absolutely no idea why this had to come from  England.

Perhaps that’s where the elves have unionized and their contract requires that they work in Great Britain.

Whatever the reason, YEA!!! I love it.

I’m working with a bunch of historical authors – some HUGE names in the genre – to try to up our cache with the market, rebrand ourselves, etc. We’re in the brainstorming stage right now and during some awesome discussion this video was brought to my attention.

HA!!!

Sooooo, the Sisters had to go to the vehicle inspection station today for emissions testing.  Well, we didn’t need to be tested, but Carly did.  We don’t emit because we’re ladies.  Anyway, you pull up and get in line behind some other cars that we assume were there for the same purpose as us.  We thought everything was going smoothly.  Cars were pulling in and pulling out at a fairly steady clip.  No one seemed upset or unhappy.  When it was our turn, we pulled in.

We were told to get out of the car and to go stand on a large smiley face.  We swear this is true.  Ava and Amy looked down and thought WTF?!  Seriously, why was there a giant grin painted on the floor of an official government facility and why were we being asked to stand on it?!  Ava immediately sent Amy back to the car for her camera phone.  The worker thought we were nuts.  We’re used to that so it doesn’t bother us.

Ava was about to harass the worker about it when she noticed he was wearing a smiley face wrist band.  We swear this is true.  The wrist band had little smiling yellow dots all the way around it.  In fact, all of the workers had them on and all of the other folks were standing on smiley faces on the floor just like the Sisters.

In the end, Ava and Amy decided to ignore this situation.  Nothing good can come from being the only people asking questions about a 70s psychedelic icon when you need to pass to get your vehicle registered.  Go Smiley Face!!!!  We’re growing up!

Happy birthday to me!

The spread

My Honey threw me a lovely little party. Ava made her glorious cupcakes. Peach and Bourbon with peach buttercream and chocolate chip with chocolate mint buttercream. Are you jealous?

The most important thing I have to report about my birthday is that I still have no idea what the hell the package is coming from England. I’m willing to pay a reward to whomever will find this out and report back to me. I just can’t bring myself to torture my boy into breaking–but I’m totally okay with you doing it.

The Sisters have decided to retire early. Unfortunately, their social security applications were rejected. Something about not being old enough.  Ava pointed out that Amy is now 45 and what the F? But age should have nothing to do with retiring.  It should be when you’re TIRED.  The word “tired” is right in there. The social security folks were not amused when we pointed that out and threatened to call the CIA/FBI/President on us. Oh well, even

These are the goats we want

though the social security people don’t have a sense of humor, we do. Laugh along with us over the following:

1. We want half now and half on delivery. We learned of the news that the fellow who offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows to marry Chelsea Clinton has been killed by an elephant. That’s sad, but back to the important part of the story. Are they telling us in this sadly uninformative news snippet that we could get goats and cows for our daughters? Ava and I would seriously like some goats. Cows would be ok, but if we could trade all 20 of the cows for a lion, we’d be in. Here we thought we were going to have to have a yard sale in order to start-up the dowry fund and all this time we could have been getting goats. This right here is what’s wrong with America.

2. It’s always the quiet ones. Another giant tortoise has broken out of his home and was “arrested” as he was lumbering down a busy street–this time in Los Angeles. This dude was 150 pounds and it took two police officers to heft him into the patrol car. He’s now in police custody and they’re looking for his owner. Does anyone else think this is odd? You know how they say animals can detect an earthquake and stuff before it’s there? Maybe tortoises know when stuff is coming only they know like three months in advance so they can get a head start on the fleeing process. We bet they’re super frustrated that we keep capturing them and taking them back home.

3. This is why voting feels so futile. The five-year-old boy who has been mayor of Dorset, Minnesota for the last two years has been ousted. No, not for drugs like Rob Ford. That would be ridiculous. He was outvoted by a sixteen-year-old. Casting a vote costs a dollar and the city will let you vote as many times as you want. Now don’t freak out. Apparently, this town only has a

He’s very good at parking

population of between 9 and 28 people. We have no idea the cause of the disparity in census reporting. Maybe that job costs $5 to vote for.

4. Probably drove better than a lot of people. In White Plains, NY a six-year-old boy drove his battery-powered car onto the parkway before some grown-ups rescued him. Apparently the boy had been at a park with relatives about 10 blocks away and his cousin was supposed to be watching him. Our guess is that the cousin is no longer in charge of anything. People are wondering how the kid could have gotten away for so long without being missed. Obviously, these people have never turned their back on a little kid for twenty seconds and have that kid strip off all his clothes, get through the locked front door, and out into the neighbor’s yard before. Shit happens. We’re guessing the parents were just excited about the peace and quiet for once. What we’d really like to know is where the hell his parents got the long-lasting battery for this car?

5. Birthday Weeks. Sadly, for Amylynn, her birthday week is coming to an end this Saturday. She’ll try to tell you it’s her birthday “month” but we can’t listen to her talk about her birthday for 30 days. No, ma’am, we can’t. She’s just going to have to deal with the fact that her birthday party extravaganza tomorrow night is the end of it. Someone needs to tell these Leos the world does not revolve around them – not even in August.  No, ma’am, it doesn’t.

I asked for a tattoo for my birthday. I couldn’t think of anything else.

Well, I could. But no one was buying me a puppy, an Aston Martin, or Tom Hardy.

Or Tom Hardy driving my Aston Martin with a puppy in the passenger seat.

My Honey wrote me up a really funny gift certificate.

Enlarge to read the fine print

He’s a funny guy. See why I like him?

Take for example the fine print:

By Tattoo Shop we mean an actual business, not the back shop area of a Harley Davidson repair shop, or the kitchen of a tattoo artist that just doesn’t “like the constraints of working out of a regular tattoo shop.” It may also not be redeemed at any motorcycle “Clubhouse” or at any detention facilities; ie: jail or prison.

This is pretty good too:

Please note issue of certificate can not be held responsible for any pain, discomfort, swelling, bleeding, infection, scarring, adverse or allergic reactions. In other words you asked for it. The issuer will give a customary, “I know that shit hurts!” and a “Oh, poor baby” if asked to do so. The issuer will also refrain from comments such as “Damn that thing looks infected”,  “Are you sure it’s supposed to ooze like that?” and “What the hell is that supposed to be again?”

Ava came along today for the actual tattooing. She brought her camera so she could document me crying. She was so, so certain that I would. Do you see what I have to put up with? I assure you I didn’t cry. Not during this tattooing or the other five that came before.

It’s exactly what I wanted. My princess crown and the words CALM DOWN – cause I’m a little high-strung. Remember all those stories I’ve told you about when I get my edits back?