August 8

The Sisters have decided to retire early. Unfortunately, their social security applications were rejected. Something about not being old enough.  Ava pointed out that Amy is now 45 and what the F? But age should have nothing to do with retiring.  It should be when you’re TIRED.  The word “tired” is right in there. The social security folks were not amused when we pointed that out and threatened to call the CIA/FBI/President on us. Oh well, even

These are the goats we want

though the social security people don’t have a sense of humor, we do. Laugh along with us over the following:

1. We want half now and half on delivery. We learned of the news that the fellow who offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows to marry Chelsea Clinton has been killed by an elephant. That’s sad, but back to the important part of the story. Are they telling us in this sadly uninformative news snippet that we could get goats and cows for our daughters? Ava and I would seriously like some goats. Cows would be ok, but if we could trade all 20 of the cows for a lion, we’d be in. Here we thought we were going to have to have a yard sale in order to start-up the dowry fund and all this time we could have been getting goats. This right here is what’s wrong with America.

2. It’s always the quiet ones. Another giant tortoise has broken out of his home and was “arrested” as he was lumbering down a busy street–this time in Los Angeles. This dude was 150 pounds and it took two police officers to heft him into the patrol car. He’s now in police custody and they’re looking for his owner. Does anyone else think this is odd? You know how they say animals can detect an earthquake and stuff before it’s there? Maybe tortoises know when stuff is coming only they know like three months in advance so they can get a head start on the fleeing process. We bet they’re super frustrated that we keep capturing them and taking them back home.

3. This is why voting feels so futile. The five-year-old boy who has been mayor of Dorset, Minnesota for the last two years has been ousted. No, not for drugs like Rob Ford. That would be ridiculous. He was outvoted by a sixteen-year-old. Casting a vote costs a dollar and the city will let you vote as many times as you want. Now don’t freak out. Apparently, this town only has a

He’s very good at parking

population of between 9 and 28 people. We have no idea the cause of the disparity in census reporting. Maybe that job costs $5 to vote for.

4. Probably drove better than a lot of people. In White Plains, NY a six-year-old boy drove his battery-powered car onto the parkway before some grown-ups rescued him. Apparently the boy had been at a park with relatives about 10 blocks away and his cousin was supposed to be watching him. Our guess is that the cousin is no longer in charge of anything. People are wondering how the kid could have gotten away for so long without being missed. Obviously, these people have never turned their back on a little kid for twenty seconds and have that kid strip off all his clothes, get through the locked front door, and out into the neighbor’s yard before. Shit happens. We’re guessing the parents were just excited about the peace and quiet for once. What we’d really like to know is where the hell his parents got the long-lasting battery for this car?

5. Birthday Weeks. Sadly, for Amylynn, her birthday week is coming to an end this Saturday. She’ll try to tell you it’s her birthday “month” but we can’t listen to her talk about her birthday for 30 days. No, ma’am, we can’t. She’s just going to have to deal with the fact that her birthday party extravaganza tomorrow night is the end of it. Someone needs to tell these Leos the world does not revolve around them – not even in August.  No, ma’am, it doesn’t.