I got a very strange phone call from my mother on Saturday morning. She got me when I was just awake and I’m not very intelligible for a good half an hour after I wake up. I’m surly for at least an hour, but that’s a different blog.

Anyway, when I answered the phone she asked with a great amount of feeling, “How are you this morning?”

“Fine,” I told her.

“I was just really worried about you last night?”

I rubbed my eyes. “Ummmm, OK.” This was a confusing conversation.

“You just weren’t making any sense. I was very concerned.”

Not about not making any sense. I didn’t even remember talking to her the previous evening. “Well, I’m OK.”

“You said you had a headache, so…”

This clarified her concern. Sometimes when I have a really hellacious migraine I am very confused and confusing. I also forget things that happen so now I was wondering if I’d had a serious migraine episode and wasn’t remembering it. Except usually after one of THOSE headaches I wake up with hangover like symptoms, and I really felt fine.

The thing was, I was exhausted the night before. All my late hours had caught up to me with a vengeance. A person can only exist on five hours of sleep for so long until a collapse is imminent. My Honey had band practice so he was gone for the evening. I hadn’t been able to stay awake after I made the kids waffles for dinner. (That’s what I made them to eat. Seriously. Clearly, I’m not to be trusted. I barely function as an adult.) They’d been watching movies, and I’d slept on the couch until he came home and sent me to bed.

“When did we talk?” I asked my mom.

“We didn’t. We were texting.”

This was too much for my first conversation of the day. “Well, I’m fine now,” I assured her.

I meant to look at our supposed text conversation but I forgot about it until later in the day. Once I did, I completely understood Mom’s concern. The conversation could only be called that by the barest definition. I also knew exactly what had happened because it had happened before.

There had been an imposter. An impersonator. An identity thief.

Apparently my 10-year old daughter sounds exactly like me in the throes of an epic migraine episode. I couldn’t be prouder.

Once again, the Sisters have serious concerns about the Dear Abby column.

Specifically, Dear Abby herself.  We constantly find ourselves questioning her advice.  Today turned out to be her worst answer ever.  A lovely lady wrote in about her fabulous habit of eating her dessert first and then her entrée in restaurants while with co-workers.  She felt that even after explaining why she does this there was tension from the group.  She asked Abby if she thought she was being rude.

Abby promptly told her that “Yes” she was being rude.

“How so?” we say.  She’s not asking anyone else to do it with her.  Abby also passively aggressively scalds her for bad eating habits.

Perhaps we are social misfits but isn’t it the other way around?  Isn’t it rude to point out other people’s strange habits?  And why do they care in what order she eats her meal?  We found the whole thing ridiculous and want “Sweet Tooth In Colorado” to know that she is most welcome to dine with us anytime she is in town.  We’d love to meet her and to make her feel comfortable – we’re going to eat our dessert first right along with her!

So there Dear Abby – it’s going to be a revolution.  Let them eat cake!

I’m feeling like we need some pirates.

Fa la la la la… Well, not quite yet, but it’s looming like Scarlet O’Hara – “waiting just like a big spider.” That may be a bit dramatic for our favorite holiday season. Still, you have to admit it’s an intimidating proposition. Before we launch into our Christmas jollies, we thought we should be thankful for what we already have. Tis the season for thankfulness, right? We’re going to give it a shot. Seriously. Here we go – five things we’re thankful for at least until the constant strain of hearing Christmas carols makes us insane.

1. Our Families. We love our kids and our husbands. We’re thankful that they’re in

There but for the grace of God…

our lives to provide excellent blog fodder. They teach us how important it is not to take ourselves too seriously. We talk a big game about getting our own apartment, but we’d miss the jerks. We also have extensive families outside the immediate – brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, and uncles all of whom need serious therapy. That’s how we know they belong to us.

2. Our Furry Kids. Combined we have three dogs and three cats – all of whom match with each other like we planned it. Even so, as you know, we’re always hoping to expand. We’re actively looking to acquire a camel, panda, porcupine, tiger, hedgehog, sloth, quoka, and anything else slow enough for us to catch. Money is no object. Until then, we’ll continue to pay the outrageous veterinarian bills, buy ludicrously expensive prescription cat food, and learn to remove canine stitches. Thankfully they sit on the table and stalk us in the hall. All to keep us entertained.

3. Our jobs. As you know, we work for Bank of No Forks. Our department is not involved in banking – we’d like to make that clear. We work in a secure office building – just a few of us, the best receptionist in the world, and security guards. Yes, security guards. Unfortunately, we’re not

We could work here instead. Ick.

kept busy enough in our jobs so we have a lot of down time.  We’re thankful that we work with the fabulous ladies that we do. We’re thankful that the Goodwill Store near us keeps us stocked in jigsaw puzzles. We’re thankful that there are ample extension cords to plug-in all our hair implements and personal laptops. We’re thankful we have benefits and that we get paychecks when we’re supposed to.

4. Our Health. Despite the aching feet, the blinding migraines, the peeling skin, the massive sunburn, the extensive papercuts, the bruising, the hangnails and the looming bladder

Our secret to good health

infections, we’re healthy. Don’t get us wrong, we do enjoy whining about it. We are excellent complainers and we’re thankful that we have all that health insurance from Thing #3.

5. Each Other. If we didn’t have each other, we’d certainly have been arrested long before now. Worse than having a criminal record, we’d have no one to share it with. That would totally suck. We don’t know much about jail, we’re more versed in bailing people out. Besides, no one thinks we’re as funny as we do. Quite a shame, actually, because we’re damn funny. It’s a good thing we spend more time with each other than anyone else, eh? Saves other people a lot of frustration, that’s for sure.

We’re fervently hoping that The Bandit doesn’t see this commercial this season. We have enough trouble with him keeping his underwear on as it is. We don’t need an eight-year old boy ringing any bells all over the house – or the mall – or while visiting Santa.

This will come as something of a shock to you – so have a seat before you go further. Comfortable? Okay, here we go. The Sisters disagree with People’s Sexiest Man Alive selection for 2013. Shocking right? Not shocking that we disagree about something – our curmudgeoness almost guarantees our being disagreeable – but shocking that we could possible disagree with their selection. After all, you say, People has selected George Clooney (agree), Bradley Cooper (we can see that) and Richard Gere (ooooh, An Officer and a Gentleman). We just can’t get behind Adam Levine. We don’t get it. Not at all. Before you send hate mail, you should know, we have selected five other men and certainly you’re going to agree with us on at least one of them and probably all five. Okay, here we go . . . get ready to drool.

1. The Skinny One. If skinny is what you’re in to that’s alright with us. We prefer substantial men ourselves, but there are exceptions to prove the rule. Might we suggest a nice Timothy Olyphant? We’re like Celebrity Crush Sommeliers. We prefer him specifically in the role of Raylan Givens. This here, our friends, is what they call a tall drink of water. Raylan kicks ass, takes names, shoots all the right people, but generally screws up getting the girl. That’s not to say he hasn’t slept with them. His ex-wife describes him as the angriest man she ever met – and yet they continue to have an off and on affair. We don’t blame her one bit. He’s so damn charming even while he’s seething. Yummy.

2. The Tattooed One. If it’s tattoos that’s doing it for you, then Tom Hardy is your man. Also, he’s a total badass. Even as the moodiest Heathcliff ever in Wuthering Heights, he was a badass. If you need a guy that can whoop some serious butt, there’s nobody better than Tom. This particular picture is from his gig as Tommy Conlon in Warrior. This movie is astonishingly good. You think you know what you’re buying into when you start watching, but you don’t. This movie, and his performance, will sneak up and smack you upside the head. AND he has his shirt off for more than half of it. Total estrogen win.

3. The Musician. Our pick here is going to totally show our age, but come along for the ride anyway. There was a long debate about chosing Springsteen, but we decided what we love him for is his poetry and not his physicality. That’s a different blog. We’re kids of the 80’s and were indoctrinated in hair metal. Even still we can’t believe we’re putting
Tommy Lee on this list. NO! It’s not because of the video. You’re disgusting. There is some sort of charming quality about him and he’s one hell of a drummer.

4. The Telelvision One. Charlie Hunnam. Do we really need to go into why? Haven’t we documented quite well our love and lust for his character on Son’s of Anarchy? Honestly, we aren’t familiar with too much he’s been in. There was some talk of Nicholas Nickleby but we make a point of only watching one Charles Dickens movie a year, and that’s not it. We only ever intended to see 50 Shades of Gray if he was in it. One of the niftiest things about Charlie is even though he plays a uber-tough biker, he speaks with a British accent in interviews. Nice juxtaposition.

5. The Movie One. Johnny Depp. You know, honestly, Johnny could be the answer to any of the categories. He’s skinny, tattooed, musical, has been on TV (21 Jump Street anyone?) and in movies. Apparently the answer is ALWAYS Johnny Depp. Speaking as your Celebrity Crush Sommelier, we can assure you that Johnny Depp is an excellent pairing with anything that rocks your world.