NEW RELEASES
It Was a Dark and Stormy Night….
The winners have been announced for one of my favorite contests, The Bulwer-Lytton Writing Contest. San Jose State University has been sponsoring the contest since 1982. The point of the contest is to write the worst possible 1st sentence for a novel as is inspired by the contest’s namesake, Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who’s 1830 novel, Paul Clifford, famously begins:
| “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents–except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.” |
This year’s winner:
For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss–a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil – Molly Ringle
Geniusly bad. I love it.
Some other notable entries:
Winner of the Detective Category:
She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so. – Steve Lynch
Winner Historical Fiction:
The band of pre-humans departed the cave in search of solace from the omnipresent dangers found there knowing that it meant survival of their kind, though they probably didn’t understand it intellectually since their brains were so small and undeveloped but fundamentally they understood that they didn’t like big animals that ate them. – Mike Mayfield
Winner Romance:
“Trent, I love you,” Fiona murmured, and her nostrils flared at the faint trace of her lover’s masculine scent, sending her heart racing and her mind dreaming of the life they would live together, alternating sumptuous world cruises with long, romantic interludes in the mansion on his private island, alone together except for the maids, the cook, the butler, and Dirk and Rafael, the hard-bodied pool boys. – Paul Chafe
Winner Western:
He walked into the bar and bristled when all eyes fell upon him — perhaps because his build was so short and so wide, or maybe it was the odor that lingered about him from so many days and nights spent in the wilds, but it may just have been because no one had ever seen a porcupine in a bar before. – Linda Boatright
Winner Purple Prose:
The dark, drafty old house was lopsided and decrepit, leaning in on itself, the way an aging possum carrying a very heavy, overcooked drumstick in his mouth might list to one side if he were also favoring a torn Achilles tendon, assuming possums have them. – Scott Davis Jones
Miscellaneous
As the under-appreciated autumn evening faded into yet another soft black velvet fall night, all creatures large and small had settled in except for one, Loupy, the Schipperke, whose job was to keep Anatoly, the night watchman, informed of all things pertaining to the property with her signature uninterrupted warning barks which at this very moment would not subside until her master explained, “We don’t know anyone named Timmy and we don’t have a well.” – Karen Arutunoff
What Is That Scary Music?
I sent my complete manuscript for Seeing Love Clearly off to the agent who requested it. Cross your crossables!
This has been an absolutely crazy month since she requested the “full”. She asked on May 31st and I sent it today – just shy of a month. If you will recall, I easily had to rewrite the last 1/2 of the book since the Sisters and I tore it apart. I naively thought most of the original would easily be cut and pasted into the new incarnation. Silly, silly writer. There was no such luck. But now it’s much better than it was: funnier, better conflict, etc.
I was so excited about sending Thomas and Francesca off today. It was with real glee that I shoved them in the bulk mail drop at the Post Office. I have really grown to hate those people.
Remind me the next time I write a full length novel to pick easier names to type. Names like Sam and Lou. Francesca’s brother’s name is Christian and I can’t tell you how many times I wrote Christina. I had to to a Find/Replace of the complete manuscript to make sure I got all of the typos.
Even though I talk a tough game, Ava and Kelli will tell you I’ve been a basket case. The pressure of writing FAST and then sending off my baby in a box to far away places to people who may or may not love them as much as I do…it’s nerve wracking. It’s like I sent Thomas and Francesca off to sleep away camp. I hope the other campers aren’t mean to them. I hope they make friends.
And then the minute you think of teenagers in sleep away camp the next horrifying thought leads to right to slasher movies. Jason Voorhees, you stay away from my babies!
And now that I’ve got that terrifying metaphor in my head, I’m going to roll up in the fetal position under my desk and pray the agent doesn’t take a
Is this too dramatic? Sometimes my drama-meter is off.
butcher knife to Francesca and Thomas.
If you two hear a strange noise outside, I strictly forbid you to split up and look for the source of the noise. And, Francesca, no taking your shirt off. It’s always the sluts that go first.
Sorry Mrs Dooley
I know that I promised you a good post for today since, thanks to the horrendously bad customer service skills of my Internet cable provider, I had no Internet all weekend.
Well, the thing is I had nothing. It was an empty promise. And then, just for you guys, I spent no less than 2 1/2 hours screwing around on the Internet for stuff to entertain you. That meant that I got no writing done. At all. I will admit that I opened my latest document and looked at it, and then went back to the Internet.
However, in honor of all you hay fever sufferers out there, I give you this:
I believe I counted 28 sneezes. I love how he almost falls down when he’s done. My brother would call that a “sneezure”.
On another note entirely:
I scared the hell out of a little kid the other day. He and his dad were sitting on one end of a bench. He was about 4 years old – right when they are good and impressionable. I sat down on the other end of the bench and this seemed to disturb him. Listen, I have a really large personal space requirement (I think it comes from being born and raised in the wide open spaces of the West) so I gave them plenty of room at their end of the bench. The little boy said, “Hey! She’s sitting on our bench.” I raised my eyebrows at him and replied, “It’s alright. I don’t bite. At least not until the sun goes down.”
Little dude freaked out. I gotta remember that not all kids have been raised with a twisted mother like my kids have. If someone said that to either of mine, they’d have given the eyebrow right back and said, “Right.”
The other day, The Bandit got a paper cut. We were in the car and I wasn’t going to stop and dig out the first aid kit to get a band aid, so I told him to stick his finger in his mouth. I know – not the most hygienic solution. Go ahead and judge me. But it doesn’ t matter because he looked at me completely appalled and stated, “I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!”
I am unaware when the Disney Channel or PBS started showing a pre-school version of Twilight and True Blood.
It turns out I did have something stupid and inane to tell you after all. I really shouldn’t have had any doubt. I always have something to say. Just ask my 2nd grade teacher. I spent the entire year in the corner for talking.
Pulling into the Station
What? No Internet!
I’m very sorry I don’t have a post up here today. Our house was without an Internet connection all weekend.
You have no idea how isolated you feel with no internet. You think to yourself, “So I can’t check on my blog. I’ll just send and email. NOPE. Check my bank balance? NOPE. Hop onto my favorite blogs? NOPE.”
I actually had to talk to other people. Ick.
But truthfully, that should be fixed – God willing – by tonight.
I’ll post something good to make up for today. I promise. I just have to figure out what that is, but never fear, I’ll think of something.
Stop #5
The Submission to the Agent
That is going out this weekend. It’s one month after she asked for it. I’m hoping that she’s just too busy to notice.
The only thing I’m waiting on to send it off is for Ava to finish reading it. Ava and Kelli are my most trusted critique group and I don’t want to send it until she’s signed off on it. The problem is that Ava thinks she has a life. I’m here to tell her, if I don’t have a life then she doesn’t either.
If you see Ava out and about it the world in the next day or so – tell her to get her ass home and read my book.
Tour Stop #4
On Friday – June 25, I’ll be at: http://rainedelightbooknook.blogspot.com/
Get your tookuses over there and say “Hey”.
What Was It That Sold You?
On Father’s Day we hauled my father to a baseball game. It was quite an undertaking involving my dad, his wife, two walkers, my brother and his family with two kids, and My Honey and our two kids.
At one point, Kelli called. We were trying to talk about important stuff when a run was batted in and a tremendous roar erupted from the crowd. I asked Kelli to hold on and apologized about the noise.
She said, “Really it’s no louder than when I call you at your house.”
And the really horribly true thing is, she’s right. My house is just as loud as a raucous Sunday Night-Father’s Day crowd at a minor league baseball stadium. And the language isn’t much better either. Sadly, the people in my house generally smell as bad as the fans at the stadium. If I cooked dinner, then the odds are, the food is better at the concession stand.
Deep sigh. Wanna come over?
Stop #2
Tomorrow on Wednesday 6/23 is my next stop on the whirlwind blog tour.
http://www.ashleyladd.blogspot.com/
I had a couple of visitors today, come by tomorrow and say “hi” too.
Besides, there are interviews where you can read my snarky replies.