I looked all over for a great picture or quote for today….

 If you can’t read it:

Patriotism is loving your country all the time and your leaders when they deserve it.

Mark was a smart guy.

It was our first day back to work from our vacation and My Honey and I came home exhausted, demoralized, beat down. Neither of us was inclined to make dinner, so we put our shoes back on and loaded back in the car to seek out food.

We decided on Mexican food. While we were sitting there eating dinner two police men came in. They looked about twelve years old, like little boys loaded up with cop toys on their belts. They sat several tables away, far enough that they probably couldn’t hear all the bickering at our table.

There’s always bickering at the table. Most of it centers around Sassy’s refusal to eat any actual food. She has made pushing food around on her plate an art form. Talking non-stop, I’m convinced she never swallows anything.

Understandably, her father and I get really tired of buying her food she doesn’t eat.

Perhaps it was because we were so tired, but My Honey and I were getting a little silly, a little punchy. I spent most of the meal giggling at my husband giving my kids a hard time.

When we left the restaurant, we had to pass by the cops.

my new “apartment”

I paused at their table. “If you can guarantee me solitary confinement, I’ll turn myself in right now.”

Cop #1 started to giggle. What more would you expect from a twelve year-old? Cop #2 looked at me with wide eyes.

“Too bad it doesn’t work like that,” Cop #1 told me, the giggle still evident in his voice.

I was persistent. “I’m serious. What’s on your hot sheet that you want cleared up tonight. I’ll cop to it. Really.”

Now Cop #2 was giggling. I think he might have been drinking chocolate milk.

I shrugged and walked away. Clearly I wasn’t getting any help from them. They probably still bicker with their siblings at family dinners.

My Honey got the last word, though. When he passed by their table, he confided. “I told her it wasn’t that easy.”

Yeah, but what if they’d taken me up on it? How awesome would that have been?

I’m a horrible mother. There are lots of reasons, but I have a specific example of my ineptitude today.

Before I begin, let me give you some back ground information. I did have some misspent youth. There was some occasional underage drinking (no snickering you old friends) and some drag racing (not at the same time. I was never that irresponsible), I mostly focused my rebellion in the form of a smart mouth. I got my first tattoo at 18. There was a pact with my circle of friends. As we turned 18, we were all getting cartoon character tattoos. I’d like to point out, I am the only one brave enough to do it. I’ve since gotten four more, each thought out and symbolizing something specific or an event in my life. Each of them is tucked away, generally hidden from view, with the exception of the first one which is on my ankle.

I also have multiple ear piercings and a belly ring which I refuse to remove because it hurt like a *&%^#$@ to get.

I tell you all this because I don’t want Sassy to do any of these things. I did not pierce her ears when she was a baby because I wanted her to make the decision to decorate her body herself. I realize that ear-piercing is a very mundane example of body art, but still, it’s her body and I want her to be responsible for it.

She started asking to have it done when she was around six because, I suppose, so many of her friends had theirs done. I told her repeatedly that I would allow it when she was old enough to take care of her ears herself, clean them properly, keep track of her earrings, etc.

I also told her over and over, ad nauseam, that piercings and tattoos hurt. Badly. With excruciating consequences.

Then while we were on vacation last week, she saw a sign in a store that promised free ear-piercing and she was hooked.

I convinced her to wait until we got home so we’d have all the stuff to take care of her ears. I promised I’d take her today. I promised.

I never thought it would come to pass. I totally thought she’d weenie out. At the very least, I expected tears and clutching at my hands and begging me not to make her go through with it – which of course, I wouldn’t. I’d then be able to stave her off for a couple more months, maybe even a year, before the asking started up again, by using her fear against her – that’s the part that makes me a bad mom. It’s odd. I spend so much time trying to help her conquer fears in other ways in her life and yet I really foster this one. Awful, awful, awful.

Yeah, none of that happened.

She decided she wanted it done, she picked out earrings, she sat in the chair expectantly at the store. What was I to do? I promised.

I paid the $45.00 (Holy crap!) and bought her some plain, gold studs to wear.

The twelve year-old clerk in the store was really awesome. Awesome if you wanted the outcome to be pierced ears. I was undecided. I still thought right up to the very second, that she would back out.

I can’t decide if I’m more proud of her for going through with it and accomplishing what she wanted to get done, or if I’m more disappointed that there wasn’t tears and a scene.

That’s why I’m an awful mother. I was hoping for a scene.

This better not mean my baby is growing up or I’m going to be really pissed.

What was it that made you realize that your kids were growing up? Or you? What examples of horrible parenting are you willing to cop to?

Amylynn has heard nothing but complaining from the other Sisters this week. Complaining and whining but, truth be told, that’s really just fine considering she’s in San Diego and her Sisters are in Hell. It hasn’t made it over 80 degrees in San Diego and the wretched desert has been over 105 all week. Still, soon enough the Sisters will desert her for cooler climes in the coming weeks and months so as far as she is concerned they can just suck it up. Since the vacation provided many more opportunities for favorite things this week, today’s post is sponsored by San Diego.

1. Seaworld. All the world goes gaga over Shamu and, yes, he’s awesome – all 79 of them or how ever many there are now. But the real cuteness is smaller and fuzzier in the shape of groovy penguins and the almost unbearably adorable sea otters. We love how they swim around with their lunch on their tummies. Or when they hold hands when they sleep. Or fall into the ocean while wrestling with their brothers. The “zoo” keepers saw us dawdling and let us into the back of their habitat to see the babies. You’d better believe if the wardens had blinked for just a minute, one of those cuties would have been nestled in Amylynn’s purse in a heartbeat. I really need to work with the Bandit on his diversion tactics.

 2. San Diego Zoo. It’s entirely possible the San Diegans are sadists. There really is no other explanation for the topography of that park. Who builds a zoo that’s so hilly it needs escalators? Sadists, that’s who. At Sea World, there were defibrillator stations all over the park. We counted sixteen on the map. Not a one at the zoo. I think they want you to die. In fact, they probably have hidden cameras all over the park and a top-secret lounge where they sit around and watch the paying customers pant and wheeze. The password is probably “Death to Fatties” or something else equally rotten. Also, their security is way too high. I’m just saying.

3. Sunscreen and floppy hats. There have been a few sunburns, but nothing like it could have been. That is because Amylynn wears her sunscreen like a half inch thick. She watches people dab it on and sighs in longing, knowing those people probably tan, too. Also, there was the floppy hat she wore all over town. A hat so big she suspects people wonder if there is even a person under there. It’s almost like wearing an umbrella on her head. She likes to pretend that if she wears her giant sunglasses and floppy hat that she’s channeling Jackie O, but she knows that’s just ridiculous. She looks like a crazy-ass tourist and she knows it. Quite tragic, really.

4. Restaurants. The best part of vacation is eating out for every meal. There is no arguing over the dinner menu for the evening. No burnt spaghetti sauce because someone was busy with a crossword puzzle. No dishes to wash. Everyone gets what they want, someone refills your water glass. If you’re really lucky, you get a waiter with some wit. Also, there is the extraordinary opportunity to people watch to your hearts content. Hopefully, you’re able to pretend that the children sitting at your table actually belong to someone else. Plus, there’s always the dessert menu. Ahhhh, vacation.

5. Reading on the beach. Amylynn made it a personal mission not to set foot in the Pacific the entire time she was in San Diego. Instead, she finds a quant little cabana or a comfy beach blanket, spreads out under her gargantuan hat and reads to her hearts content. A nice breeze, plenty of shade and the fresh, salty smell of the ocean is the perfect reading environment. Add a drink with an umbrella and honest to Zeus, it doesn’t get any better than that.

We’re having so much fun, we decided to stay another day. I begged the front desk. There was crying and some begging. I mentioned that I would burst into flames at the state line. I showed her the weather app from my phone to prove it was hotter than the sun. She took pity on us – Wahooo!

In other good news, my husband is off the hook for being a wishy-washy pain in my ass over the curtains I bought that took him forever to like, and then by the time I went back to get the rest we’d need for the livingroom, they no longer carried them so then I was totally screwed. I actually managed to track them down in San Diego – 400 miles away. ON CLEARANCE!

Life is good.

We had a lovely day in Point Loma. I took a few minutes sitting at the end of the world to contemplate a few things that

My seat at the end of the world

have been preying on my mind. For example, the wretchedness that is the backseat of that car. Honest to God, that is the most wretched, awful place. Those people I’m sharing it with have horrible parents who clearly never taught their children any manners. Also, I’m certain they were never issued “inside voices”. I am very proud that I didn’t fling myself off the end of the universe – but believe me, I considered it.

My Honey gave us each pennies to make a wish and throw into a fountain. Sassy paused, closed her eyes, then tossed in her penny just like a normal person. The Bandit jumped up and down, made weird noises, spun in a circle then finally tossed in his penny. He immediately turned to this father, “Can I have another penny ’cause I just made an impossible wish.”

Don’t you wish it was that easy?

I’m very excited that we’re staying another day, but I must confess that I miss the hell out of that kitten.

This guy was sound asleep. It’s exhausting being adorable.

I am sooooo tired. The San Diego Zoo kicks your ass. For those of you who haven’t been, or have blocked out the  memory because it was so horrifying, that zoo was built on a vertical.

Do you see how he was begging to come home with me?

Do you remember those stories your parents and grandparents told you that always had them going to school uphill both ways? That’s the same phenomenon with that zoo. I do not recall EVER walking down hill. All the downs are gradual and sloping so as that you hardly realize you’re descending. The ups, however, are all like at an 80% grade. By the time you get to the top of the hill you couldn’t give a crap less about the stupid polar bears. All you want is a bench and a defibrillator.

I would also like to mention the ridiculous security at that zoo. I think they might have found out that I was coming because I kept getting the “eye” from them, all suspicious like. I did not come home with a red panda or even a panda panda or a baby leopard. The whole day was rather uneventful considering.

There was one particular highlight. We saw Connie and Shaba, the elephants that were transferred from our zoo to the San Diego property. They looked lovely and very contented. The tour guide said they were out of quarantine and were slowly being introduced to the rest of the herd. I was so excited to see them I squealed and totally embarrassed Sassy which totally made it worth it.

 Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to bring to your attention the following. This antelope like beast of some sort was very, very confused and this camel was absurdly patient considering the inconvenience posed by this other fellow. Every time the camel bent its neck to eat the antelope mounted his head. I don’t even really have a good joke for this scene.

truly, if not this then nothing else qualifies as the love that dare not say its name.