NEW RELEASES
In honor of Father’s Day…
This is my favorite commerical right now. My favorite part is, “Cause that’s the shape of my head.”
Happy Father’s Day to My Honey, Ed, and Bean’s dad. And of course our fathers and their fathers and, well you get it.
In Our Humble Opinion . . . if it’s not done by 4:49PM on Friday, the universe is telling you it was never meant to be.
June 15
We’re feeling very summery these days. It’s bloody hot out there and, while we’re happy to complain about it, two out of three Sisters would rather be hot than cold any day. We’ve come up with five things this week that just scream summer. Shhhhhhh – listen. You hear it? It’s probably being drowned out by #4.
Wanna know how you can tell this isn’t us? We wouldn’t be jogging in our birkinis.
1. Pool parties. Actually, the sisters don’t participate in the actual pool parties because we don’t swim in public. Kelli has been known to wear a swim birka at the beach. Ava is worried about sharks. Amylynn simply refuses, don’t ask questions. She will claim it’s due to the sunburn she’s positively going to get, but really the reason is the same for all of us. No one needs to see any of us in a swim suit. HOWEVER, the idea of a pool party is delightful and we will eat chips and dip and watch the other swimmers. We love the idea of reading in the shade of an umbrella on a chaise longue. We’ll even agree to be responsible for the children in the pool. Hopefully none of them shows distress because we’re not jumping in to save them,
Watermelon margarita
but we will yell helpfully from the cool decking. You’re welcome.
2. Margaritas. We will drink these all day long. We’re not purists, so we’ll try all the flavors. On The Border makes a rocking watermelon version. We also saw a pomegranate one on another menu that was very intriguing. Besides, if we’re charged with watching all those kids in the pool, we’re gonna need a margarita.
3. Umbrella hats. Once again, the Sisters would not actually wear one of these either. But we all agree that they are very cute. Like beanies only funnier, if that’s possible. If you can wear one without a trace of irony then, you my friend, are a zen master.
4. June bugs. Call them whatever you want. Kelli could probably tell you their official Latin name. All we know is that once they start singing, summer is here. Amylynn, having grown up in this desert, absolutely loves that noise because it brings back all kinds of memories of wiling away a summer vacation 
outside in homemade forts, riding our bikes all over the city, finding the exoskeletons all over trees and fences, and the glories of Number 5.
5. Otter Pops. We don’t care how much sugar is in them or how they are rife with artificial colors and flavors. You can’t get more happiness for a quarter. And the names are so funny: Strawberry Short Kook, Alexander the Grape, Sir Isaac Lime, Poncho Punch, Little Orphan Orange, and Louie-Bloo Raspberry. The best part was, you didn’t have to wait for the ice cream man to get one like you did a rocket pop. Mom stocked those in the freezer so you could eat nineteen of them a day if you wanted to.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I carry a big purse
It just so happens I have handcuff keys in my wallet.
It’s a damn good thing, too, because otherwise we would have had to call the police to that little kid’s party at the pizza place and that would have made for interesting explanations.
Shall I explain?
I had the joy of going to a kid’s birthday party at that particular pizza place that I loathe, not as much as that ONE place, but I still think loathe is the proper descripter. Nevertheless, it was my turn. My Honey had just been there on Saturday with our other kid. He at least had the luxury of knowing the other parents. I really despise going to birthday parties where I know absolutely no other parents. I hate making friends – primarily because I don’t like other people. The other thing is, if I’m nervous, I turn into a stand up comedienne and it’s agony to be inside my head when I can’t shut up like that.
After all the tokens had been spent and the tickets counted, the kids turned in their thousands of tickets that cost $75 in Mom-money for like $1.25 worth of plastic crap made in China. Incredibly, one of the kids got some handcuffs, actual metal handcuffs.
Of course, this child immediately put them on and promptly lost the key.
Panic ensued. Where, oh where, was the key? Tears flowed. Mom’s yelled. Other children laughed and pointed. One father thought he’d save the day and yank them apart ala The Hulk. No dice, of course. I sincerely doubt that particular father has had any gamma ray enhancements.
I was amused, I admit it. I mean really, who didn’t see this coming?
“Hey,” I interjected into the group of flustered parents and whining children – none of whom, I’d like to remind you, I knew AT ALL. “Let’s see if these will work.”
VOILA – the keys worked and the cuffs promptly relinquished its hold on the teary-eyed child.
Do you think I got a thank you? Of course I did, but now I just know they’re going to refer to me as That Joke Cracking Mom Who May or May Not Be A Criminal/Policeperson/Escape Artist/Kinky Sex Fiend.
So now I know you’re wondering, dear Internet, why do I have handcuff keys in my wallet.
One of these days, Ava, Kelli and I are going to get in some serious trouble and I’d really like to be prepared.
Do you believe me? Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
What’s the weirdest thing you carry around with you? Or what have you used to get out of handcuffs in the past? What do you keep around “just in case”?
Just So You Know . . . we see the wisdom in baking a pie into a cake, we really do.
The girl never liked dolls but maybe I never gave her the right kind . . .
Here’s a true story. Not that all of our stories aren’t true – because they are. But this one is really true, every word.
Ed, the person I’ve been married to for almost 25 years for some reason that I don’t know yet, has a boss he dislikes immensely. In fact, hate might not be too strong a word. This woman sits not five feet from him and sleeps on her desk. If I have to see one more photo of her on his cell phone, sleeping on her desk, I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a light saber.
Anyway, the other day Ed asked me what I knew about voodoo dolls. He wasn’t expecting me to know a lot but I am known to have knowledge of things that normal people don’t – things that might label me as crazy but really just make me Amylynn’s sister.
Voodoo dolly
I was busy so I suggested a trip to Wikipedialand.
Several days later, I notice a voodoo doll factory set up on my dining room table. I also take note that the 11 year old girl who lives at my house is now involved. I say nothing because it’s best not to know a lot when the police show up . . .
Yesterday morning, on my trip to the kitchen for my six cups of coffee, I notice this incredible mess on the family room floor. There’s straw, fabric, twine, and other stuff I couldn’t identify. What I immediately know is that this is the work of our dog. Even as I get closer, I have no idea what this mess started out as until I pick up a small faux suede shirt. What the hell? Now I’m yelling at the dog – “Dog, where did you get this?”
Our dog mistook a voodoo doll for a voodoo donut
Slowly, it dawns on me – it’s a voodoo doll. Well, it was a voodoo doll.
Since I don’t want the dog to get yelled at, I text Ed the following:
Me: “Ummmmmm, is Idiot Boss in horrible pain?”
Ed: “Not yet. Doll not done.”
Me: “Well, that depends on what your definition of done is. If you mean done in, due to being
Voodoo love symbol - very cute and not scary at all
chewed up by your dog, than you have the right of it. Considering the mess, she should need to go to the hospital shortly”
Ed: “Sweet.”
That evening, Ed asks me if I found the voodoo doll’s heart. You have got to be kidding me!? What the hell was written in Wikipedia? How many years in prison is that going to cost Ed? The heart turned out to be a plastic bag with a strand of hair and a paper clip in it which was sewed into the dolls chest. Don’t you feel better knowing that? I certainly did.
Text from Ed first thing this morning:
“Idiot Boss called in sick.”
Coincidence? I think not..
Have you ever made a voodoo doll? Who were you voodooing? Did it work? What’s your secret?
Just So You Know . . . if it happens outside, it’s just gonna have to happen without us – it’s going to be 103 out there!
Epic parenting
The pub in question
There’s a new scandal in England. I really love when there’s a good scandal over there because theirs are so much more interesting than our boring icky-old-Senator-texts-pictures-of-his-wang-to-underage-girl scandals.
This new scandal has the Prime Minister and his wife, David and Samantha Cameron, accidentally leaving one of their three kids at the local pub after eating there with several friends and their kids.
First of all, I think this is going to blow over no matter how his opposition tries to make a big deal out of it. Honestly, all the parents in the world are wondering how they managed it. I’ve tried to leave my kids in restaurants before but the manager always catches me in the parking lot and makes me take my kids with me.
Mr. & Mrs. Cameron made the mistake of thinking their daughter was in “the other car” since they were traveling with several vehicles. I don’t know about you, but I’m always hoping I’m in the “other car” than my children. That never works out though. Never.
Apparently the girl went to the bathroom when they were leaving. This could so totally happen. Just imagine the scene.
Mother – Alright all you kids, we’re leaving. Does anyone have to go to the bathroom before we get in the car? Hey, are you people listening? Hello.
Kids – (skipping, screaming, punching each other, blatantly ignoring their mother) La la la la la.
Mother – Everyone get in the car! Don’t wander off. Hey, you, get in the car. (Repeat twelve times)
Daughter wanders off.
See how easy that was to imagine. I’ve had these conversations myself countless times, I’ve just never been so lucky as to leave one of the kids behind. I’m sure there was mountains of guilt when they figured out she was missing, followed by gaping pits of terror until they found her at the pub. All in all, though, I’ll bet this incident will keep that kid from wandering off next time.
There is still one little piece of the puzzle I don’t understand. My kids are so freaking loud that I can’t imagine not hearing them at all times. I would have noticed right away that there wasn’t incessant chattering and fighting coming from the back seat. I guess that’s the joy of traveling with separate vehicles. That gives me all kinds of ideas….
Honestly everyone should just calm down. There’s always the added bonus that they’ll have that story to laugh about for years over Christmas dinner and such.
“You remember that time Mum and Da left me at the pub?” **chortle chortle** (that’s how they laugh in England)
I had a friend who accidentally left their baby at the church after his christening, and my grandmother wandered off and left my mom at a store. Have you ever left your kid somewhere? Or were you the one who was left? Come on, rat your parents out. Are you scared for life or can you laugh about it now?
I fear this is becoming an epidemic
Normally, when it comes to romance novels, I’m pretty loyal to historicals, most often Regency or Victorian.I pretty much devour historicals.
There are a few other romance genres I’ll read just because I’m loyal to the author. I always read Sherrill Quinn/Cynthia Garner because she’s a friend and a great paranormal writer. I always read Gini Koch because she’s a hysterical lady in person and her Sci Fi/romance books are always a hoot.
I also read Rachel Gibson’s books as soon as I can get my hot little hands on them because I love, love, love her contemporary romances.
When my agent asked me to write a contemporary romance, I knew I wanted to write something comparable to Rachel – her style and mine are very similar. I also figured that I’d better read some more of this particular genre because the secret to writing is reading.
I read another of my agent’s authors stuff over at Entangled.com and another book from that publisher that caught my eye.
Both of which I liked and would recommend.
And then I took a trip to Target to see what was going on in the romance section. There are eight million historicals in that aisle – which explains why the hell I can’t get mine published. But, surprisingly, there weren’t that many romances that weren’t also slipping over into “women’s fiction” at the same time.
I bought one that appealed to me – the back cover blurb, the cover art, etc. Call Me Irresistible by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. So far I’m really enjoying it.
But while I was sitting on the couch I glanced at the cover art again. Then I looked harder. I went to the lamp and looked really hard.
Holy Cow.
Take a look at it here and see if you can see what I saw.
Give up? I’ll give you a hint. Look specifically at the bottom third – under the title. It’s dark there so peer at it. Yep, that’s it.
The hero has no feet. None. Odd, right?
I know he’s wearing a cowboy hat and that the story takes place in Texas, but I really, really think that perhaps the model is Canadian.
So what do you think the deal is with these missing feet all over the place? What are the Canadians doing with all these feet?
A lavender fiesta!
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Mamacita. 
My mom turns 65 today. That’s a significant achievement, if you ask us, so we threw her a birthday party this weekend. Ava volunteered to make the cake and look how cute it turned out. This was the fruits of our search for colored chocolate and small piping tips. Not 
only were the cake and cupcakes totally adorable, they tasted awesome. The frosting was light, and lavender (!), and the cake just sweet enough and super moist.
Ava got a million compliments – all completely deserved.
These are fairy lanterns. Ava found them on Pinterest. That site is totally dangerous
close up of a butterfly
and addictive. These are a super easy and really inexpensive decoration and they lasted all night.
All you need are mason jars, clear glitter, and colored glow sticks.
You put about a 1/2 inch of glitter in the bottom of the jar. Then, after cracking a glow stick to activate it, dump the liquid contents into the jar. Seal it up and shake it. The glitter sticks to the inside of the jar and glows all night.
Today is Mom’s actual birthday. So on that note…..
Happy birthday to you!
Wouldn’t those lanterns be cool at Halloween? What other cool decorations have you found? What was on your last birthday cake? My birthday is coming up in eight short weeks – just so you know. Last time was ladybugs. How should I have Ava decorate my cake this year?