NEW RELEASES
Just So You Know . . . we don’t like anyone we meet on Mondays so it’s best to avoid us at all costs.
So typical
Oh my God. I’m so annoyed at myself.
Solar Eclipse Glasses. Check.
Tell everyone you know about watching the amazing phenomenon. Check.
Write blog making fun of people who don’t plan to watch the “show”. Check.
Check the local time on the internet, double-check, triple-check. Check.
Set alarm on cell phone. Check.
Check the time obsessively so we don’t miss it. Check.
Ask Siri to remind me just in case. Check.
Get involved with watching Captain America on the television, leave the phone in the living room, and miss the whole God damned thing.
Check.
Son of a b………
(Although Ava had no intentions of viewing the eclipse, even she was forced into it by the people who live at her house – she was forced into the street wearing her jammies, no underwear and a welding mask. I assure you, more were blinded by that get-up then staring at the sun.)
What did you wear to the solar eclipse and did you have your underwear on?
May 18
Holy cow, it’s already getting hot. None of the Sisters will be seen outside again till sometime in late September, except when running from the house to the car, car to the mall, bakery, movie theater, etc. We are skeptical of those people out golfing or running (the horror) or hiking during the day. Listen to the siren song of the a/c vent, the Turner Classics Channel on television, and cool iced tea. Join us; come over to the pale side. You’ll like it here. We get a lot of reading done. And there’s this stuff, too.
- Chocolate chips. It was National Chocolate Chip Day this week. We hope you took full advantage. For future reference, if you put Nestle Toll House cookies in the microwave for about fifteen seconds you get absolute heaven. Pour yourself an ice cold glass of milk and turn on some cartoons – preferably Bugs Bunny or Road Runner, Scooby Doo will work in a pinch – and you have instant childhood. The problem is that your current children will find you snuggled up under that blanket on the couch and will ruin everything by demanding their own warmed cookies. By the time you get back from the kitchen, they will have turned on SpongeBob and you’ll never get that magic back. You know what, never mind. Go to a bakery and eat them alone in the parking lot.
Honestly, there’s no shame in that. - James Lipton. The famous Mr. Lipton of the Actor’s Studio gave some acting tips for Mitt Romney. He suggested that he could help Mr. Romney act like a “human.” We are gazing at Mr. Lipton with much skepticism. He gave him some suggestions on showing actual mirth when he laughs, saying that currently, “your laugh isn’t working.” Also, Mr. Lipton is against Mitt trying to show he’s a common man, and suggests that Mitt just go with his type casting. If you are unfamiliar with Mr. Lipton and his interviews with famous actors, you should check it out. If you really need a laugh, find the one with Mike Meyers or Robin Williams. You’ll laugh till you cry – with real mirth, not the Romney
version. - Cats on heads. We’ve been seeing this a lot since we posted the picture of the Groupon guy with the cat on his head. There’s the Bloggess, and Morgan Freeman, and now Morrissey. We’re not sure when this became such a thing, but clearly we were on the cutting edge of a meme. We considered teaching Jojo to do it but then he nibbles your ears and that makes us giggle which makes him topple off and that’s not good for anyone with all the scratching and screaming. Send us a picture of you with a cat on your head and we’ll make sure the internet knows all about it. You know you want to. We’ll even
loan you a cat, just hold very, very still. - Eclipse. Ava doesn’t care about the solar eclipse this weekend. She will care when the sun combusts into a fiery ball effectively ending the zombie apocalypse. This is cool stuff as far as Amylynn and Kelli are concerned. Amylynn even went and got the special glasses so she could show her kids. She has had a night sky app on her phone to identify constellations and planets for a long time. There’s groovy music and everything. Go get your glasses and enjoy. The ancient Mayans certainly did.
- Pooping diamonds. This isn’t as odd as it seems. No, actually it totally is. This guy in Windsor, Canada
shoplifted a 1.7 carat diamond by swallowing it. He’s been arrested – nearly a week ago – and now he’s sitting in jail waiting for it to come back out. We find this a very amusing and creative way to shoplift. However, the Sisters are concerned that nothing has happened for a week. That seems wrong – even for the most constipated among us. Nevertheless, we’d wait patiently along with the Mounties because we don’t want you to think for one minute that, when properly sterilized, we’d balk at wearing a $20,000 diamond regardless of where it’s been.
Just So You Know . . . the fruit of the cocoa plant is the cocoa pod which contains the cocoa beans which are used to make chocolate. Chocolate = Fruit.
Like Ambien only fuzzier
Oh. My. God.
he's polka dotted
I am so tired. Every once in a while my late nights catch up to me and whack me over the head with a giant stick. Even when this happens, I still try to work. I turn on my computer and stare at the screen, unable to form sentences or think through ideas.
I don’t have anything to talk about tonight. I’ve screwed around on Pinterest and Youtube hoping that something would come up and inspire me.
No luck.
I have a sleeping kitty on my lap. I’ll never need sleeping pills so long as there are sleepy kittens in the world. Once one crawls into your lap and starts that rhythmic purring, you are forced to calm down right along with them.
For now I’m spiraling into…..
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Just So You Know . . . someone told us to calm down and park our broom. Guess where we parked it?
Just So You Know . . . we can run a 12 minute mile in 1.2 hours. We like to take our time and do it right.
No one ever listens to me when I say it either
I don’t normally do this two days in a row, but I just couldn’t resist.
This came from the Law & Order Briefs in the Local Picayne. It’s all rather dull until you get to the one brilliant part. Let’s see if you agree.
A man walking down the street and firing his gun in the air in a south-side… neighborhood late Monday was shot and wounded by a resident who told him to quit it, police said. (blah blah blah – boring parts) He ignored the resident’s warning to stop firing his gun and was shot by the resident. Police found the wounded man in the street. He is expected to survive. The resident who shot the man stayed at the scene and is cooperating with police.
First of all – yeah Arizona. Everyday I’m reminded I live in the wild west where everyone has a gun.
My favorite part of the story is the line “a resident told him to quit it.” I believe that is an acceptable legal defense in AZ.
“Your honor, I told him to ‘quit it’ and he didn’t listen.”
“NOT GUILTY!” Bang of a gavel.
It’s surely the defense I’m using.
In Our Humble Opinion . . . sitting on a cactus in the hot summer sun might be preferable to sitting through the next 6 months of election mayhem.
That’s what we’d do anyway
Every morning we have a ritual at Bank of No Forks. We fire up our computers and then adjourn to my office to read the Daily Picayune over coffee. Ava and I read the paper together and have a fine time doing it too, reading aloud especially funny or annoying things. As I’m sure you can imagine this happens frequently as, lately, the news has been ridiculous.
Actually, we thought that would be a fun cable access show, Me and Ava reading you the news and adding our own thoughts. The only problem is that then you’d see how really crazy we are, and we like to the keep the full force of our lunacy under cover.
Lately, even after weeding through all the political mumbo jumbo and such, we’ve been stymied by the Dear Abby column.
Who are these people who write to her? We’re concerned the authors of these letters don’t have enough real stuff to worry about. Take for example the following letter which has been exemplary of the type of “problem” I’m talking about.
One of my friends, “Max” cheats at golf. Otherwise he’s witty, interesting and fun to be around. He moves his ball closer to the hole on the green and “improves” his lie when he thinks no one is looking. I have tried to overlook Max’s transgressions, but others in our golf group talk and joke behind his back. How should I go about stopping the problem without stressing our friendship? – Florida Golfer
Really? Someone sat down, took pen to paper, and wrote this letter. Clearly, they’re not concerned with global warming, or the tenuous state of Greece’s political atmosphere, or the rising cost of being a tooth fairy.
I’ll tell you what you do, Florida Golfer. Heed this advice and everything will work out for the best. The next time he taps the ball with his foot to improve his lie, I suggest you subtly walk over to him without drawing excessive attention to yourself, gently take him by the elbow and yell, “STOP CHEATING, ASS HOLE!”
That ought to solve that problem lickety split.
What’s your advice to the golfer? Have you ever written for help? Did you ever write an advice column yourself? Besides the obvious answer of the comics page, what amuses you the most in the paper these days?