That’s what we’d do anyway

Every morning we have a ritual at Bank of No Forks.  We fire up our computers and then adjourn to my office to read the Daily Picayune over coffee. Ava and I read the paper together and have a fine time doing it too, reading aloud especially funny or annoying things. As I’m sure you can imagine this happens frequently as, lately, the news has been ridiculous.

Actually, we thought that would be a fun cable access show, Me and Ava reading you the news and adding our own thoughts. The only problem is that then you’d see how really crazy we are, and we like to the keep the full force of our lunacy under cover.

Lately, even after weeding through all the political mumbo jumbo and such, we’ve been stymied by the Dear Abby column.

Who are these people who write to her? We’re concerned the authors of these letters don’t have enough real stuff to worry about. Take for example the following letter which has been exemplary of the type of “problem” I’m talking about.

One of my friends, “Max” cheats at golf. Otherwise he’s witty, interesting and fun to be around. He moves his ball closer to the hole on the green and “improves” his lie when he thinks no one is looking. I have tried to overlook Max’s transgressions, but others in our golf group talk and joke behind his back. How should I go about stopping the problem without stressing our friendship? – Florida Golfer

Really? Someone sat down, took pen to paper, and wrote this letter. Clearly, they’re not concerned with global warming, or the tenuous state of Greece’s political atmosphere, or the rising cost of being a tooth fairy.

I’ll tell you what you do, Florida Golfer. Heed this advice and everything will work out for the best. The next time he taps the ball with his foot to improve his lie, I suggest you subtly walk over to him without drawing excessive attention to yourself, gently take him by the elbow and yell, “STOP CHEATING, ASS HOLE!”

That ought to solve that problem lickety split.

 What’s your advice to the golfer? Have you ever written for help? Did you ever write an advice column yourself? Besides the obvious answer of the comics page, what amuses you the most in the paper these days?