NEW RELEASES
Just So You Know . . . we like the Nike slogan “Just Do It” – we use it every time we drive passed a bookstore.
Just So You Know…it’s National Chocolate Chip Day. Hie thee to a bakery.
The birth of a super villian
I really, really wish that I could take credit for the following story. It’s a fabulous tale full of snark and deviousness.
The receptionist at Bank of No Forks is hysterical, a sarcastic genius, a brilliant set down artist. You’ve never heard anyone put someone in their place with such finesse. By the time she’s done with you, you aren’t sure exactly what happened, but you do know that whatever you thought you were going to bully her into as a lowly receptionist simply isn’t going to happen and you thank her for her time. Not that this has ever happened to me, mind you, but I’ve seen it happen to others and I stand in awe.
Knowing that background, you’re going to love this story.
She and her little family were at a get together at another family member’s home last week. At some point during the event, she excused herself to the bathroom. While in there, she was put out to discover there was no toilet paper present. There was, however, a box of Kleenex tissues on the counter so she plucked out several of those and finished her business.
While washing her hands she noticed certain interesting developments – down there.
Hmmm, she thought to herself. There was an odd tingling, cool heat sensation she couldn’t identify – although, I imagine she didn’t find it completely unenjoyable. She glanced over to the box of Kleenex and noticed, with no small amount of amusement, that they were methylated tissues.
Well that would explain the sensation.
Should I have found myself in her position I would have burst forth from the powder room and told everyone at the party a very rousing and self-deprecating story wherein I look like an idiot, such is my ingrained sense of humor.
Not her. No.
Instead, she steepled her fingers and laughed maniacally in the mirror. She walked nonchalantly out to the livingroom and resumed her seat on the sofa where she waited patiently for the next victim.
I do believe she said it was her mother of all people who exited the bathroom next. “So, Mom,” she asked as innocently as can be, “how’s everything?”
Evil genius. I’m telling you.
So she didn’t set up the practical joke, but she sure enhanced it. Tell us the best joke you pulled off. Or what joke did someone play on you?
In Our Humble Opinion . . . you can’t eat toast that’s been buttered too late after it came out of the toaster.
In Our Humble Opinion . . . in a fair world, children would go to school year round and parents would get the summer vacation.
Sarcasm did not get me a discount…
So I’m getting the kids registered for summer day camp. The package of documents to complete is like three inches thick. I don’t know how to answer for some of these questions.
Take this one for instance: At what meal is your child hungriest? Hungriest for what? For a well-balanced meal? Depending on the meal and the child, pretty much never.
The inanity continued. Here is how I completed the rest of the questionnaire.
What foods does your child dislike: Please see attached list.
Does your child nap during the day?: Hahahahahahahahahahaha **deep breath** Hahahahahahahahahaa. Don’t you wish. However, if it is required, I’d be happy to come by around 2:00 and take his nap for him.
Would you say your child is: ____ easily managed ____ normally managed ____ difficult to manage. Compared to what? Death row inmates? Students of Miss Manners Academy. Does the counselor have tender sensibilities? If the Bandit calls her stupid will that upset her terribly? Where does Sassy’s death glare fit in? You should understand that my children are infinitely nicer to strangers than they are to their own mother. Is it alright if I check all three boxes?
What concerns do you have about your child’s present behavior? Please see Appendix A.
In what ways would you like to see your child develop during the next year in our program? Is there anything you can do about making them act civil? Also, chores. Make them want to do chores.
Does your child play with imaginary friends? No – all his friends are very present, very loud and very real.
What are you child’s favorite outdoor activities? Running around, screaming and yelling like a wild indian; leaving items from the kitchen in the dirt in the back yard; stuffing weird things in the mailbox.
What are your child’s favorite indoor activities?: Touching all their mother’s stuff; making enormous messes; Being excessively loud.
What pets does your child have?: 1 idiot dog, 1 black licking machine, 1 crabby tom cat, 1 mini-tiger with a biting fetish
How much TV does your child watch each day?: Don’t judge me!
I turned in the completed paperwork, such as it was. They made me give them $428.00. You’d think for that they would keep the children, but no. They still expect their father and I to pick them up each day AND TAKE THEM HOME WITH US.
I know, right? I asked them just exactly how much it would take for them to keep the kids but we couldn’t come to an agreement.
What stupid questionnaires have you filled out? Better yet, how have you answered them? Why do people ask such stupid stuff?
May 11
This may be the last Five Favorite Things because surely we’ll all be dead by next Friday, drowned in our own prolific snot output. Perhaps this is how the zombie apocalypse will finally come. Maybe you should divert some of that retirement money we urged you to spend on Kleenex on machetes and shotguns instead. Don’t say you haven’t been warned. Crazier things have happened. We’ll try to distract you from impending doom with these five amusing things.
- Autopilot cars. Google, that bastion of knowledge and information, has transformed Prii (that’s the plural of Prius. Really. Google it. See – Google knows everything) into robot cars. They’ve been test piloting them around public streets and now they’re taking them to Vegas to
show how effective they are against driving where there are a lot of distractions. Of course, there are those over-thinkers who are worried that self-driving cars are a sign of Big Brother’s influence, but we say pish. Those people clearly have not thought of the fabulous possibilities. Amylynn could sleep for ten more minutes in the car each morning. Ava’s family could stop worrying that she’s a menace to society when she’s driving her own car and Kelli could
Those short dinosaurs are in for nothing but trouble down there.
Facebook to her heart’s content. Genius. We want one.
- Stinky dinosaurs. A study was published this week in Current Biology that postulates that the dinosaurs kept Earth 18 degrees hotter than it is now. Wanna know how? By farting. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently the sauropods were especially gassy with all the plants they ate. We’ve often considered that Earth would have been really lovely back then with all the wild, unbroken wilderness. Now we’re reconsidering. Quite frankly, instead of paradise the whole place sounds like it smelled like a frat house. **shudder**
Not another irritating person in sight
- Town of the Future. They’re building it and we will come. We don’t know who “they” are but we need to make friends right quick. This town they’re building will be a 1 billion dollar scientific ghost town out in New Mexico somewhere. They plan to use it for research on everything from intelligent traffic systems (there isn’t one) to self-flushing toilets (??). Here’s the big selling point for the Sisters: no one will live there. It’s a giant, perfect fifteen square mile town void of morons. Perfect for the blogger who hates everyone else. Doesn’t it sound like heaven? No one to pester you and
you don’t even have to flush your own toilet. Bliss. - Haboobs. Our town had a haboob this weekend. That means we had a massive dust storm. It doesn’t mean anything about having boobs, which we do, two each as prescribed by current social convention. There isn’t anything especially funny about dust storms but we defy you not to giggle while watching the local newscasters say “haboob” over and over again, all agitated and self-important like only local newscasters can be. Habooooooob. We don’t care what most of the
world thinks, those Middle Easterners must have a sense of humor to come up with that word. Haboooooob. **giggle** - Western Conference Finals. Amylynn has been trying to figure out a way to mention hockey on this blog for weeks and now’s her chance. The Coyotes have moved to the Western Conference finals for the Stanley Cup and it’s a really big deal because never in the entire history of the organization have they made it this far. Also, even better, the NHL thinks they finally have a buyer that will take over the team who will leave them in Phoenix, shushing all the horrific rumors of the team leaving. Amylynn is beside herself with glee over the whole thing. Her family just wants it to be over. Ava smiles at her like you would a slightly crazy person who might hurt you with their enthusiasm. Kelli ignores her altogether. Amylynn doesn’t care. But we suggest you save yourself and not ask her opinion on save percentages and brilliant goal tending or you’ll hear an endless ode to goalie Mike Smith. And for heaven’s sake don’t mention Shane Doan or she gets all swoony and, really, that’s sorta icky. Go Yotes!
Just So You Know . . . even though the Quill Sisters think you’re sane doesn’t mean you won’t want to check with a professional.
How Come . . . we get yelled at for being noisy but when we’re quiet everyone wants to know what’s wrong? We can’t make anyone happy!
Don’t accidently use the Kleenex with the lotion to clean your glasses. That’s a huge mistake
I’m sure I know the answer to this question, but I’m gonna put it out there anyway.
I’ve mentioned before how seasonal allergies are really doing a number on me this year. I have no idea why this year is so much more than others, but I’m seriously considering dumping all my 401K stock in Kleenex.
Ava is sneezing like a maniac and Kelli sounds equally nasally and congested. It’s miserable.
So the question of the ages is this: Is your snot supposed to be neon green?
Yeah, I thought not.
Ava suggested that it was proof of my super powers but I’m not sure exactly how nuclear waste-like mucus is associated with my ability to fall asleep anywhere or to find the sarcastic angle in any conversation.
I know this blog will induce my mother to give me a long, protracted lecture about taking all my antibiotics. HA! The joke’s on her because I’m not on any antibiotics, and I don’t have any plans to get on them anytime soon.
My Honey finds this latest disclosure highly irritating and it earned me a magnificent eye roll. I don’t know why? He knows damn good and well that I don’t go to the doctor until I have pneumonia. This is my tried and true medical plan. I figure you should wait until you have a bunch of symptoms instead of just one or two. That way you can maximize your co-pay dollars. I’m all about saving money – just ask My Honey.
Are you one of those people who makes an appointment at the first sign of a sniffle? Or are you one of us who waits for Typhoid to set in before you trudge to the primary care doctor? Do you finish all your prescriptions or just take the first four until you feel better like me?