April 26

We know that you’ve visited the site this week and seen the Stay Tuned messages and are now tired of Staying Tuned. You’re thinking that we’re just trying to pull off some sort of hokey internet scam. That’s totally not true. If there was a scam you can be assured there would have been a plea for money or assistance escaping some foreign land with a stolen baby animal. We’re not saying that isn’t likely to happen in the future, but not this week. Something is going to happen on this site. And it will happen very soon. We’re at the whim of the internet gods because we’re hopeless and don’t understand how to

Regardless of this pose, Sweetie is a no nonsense girl

make any of this technical voodoo happen on our own. A genie has been hired and we are assured things are happening. Ones and zeros are moving around all over the internet to our benefit. Just hang in there. When it happens you won’t miss it. We promise. Until then, chuckle along with us.

1. There’s panda updates. The zoo in London just artificially inseminated a giant panda named Tian Tian which translates as Sweetie. Apparently her “mate” Yang Guang (Sunshine) was all about “natural mating” and was sending her encouraging looks, shared that he was a Capricorn and inquired into her sign, and even had the bartender send her a bamboo juice with an umbrella in it and everything. Sweetie was having none of it. Her return signals were more along the lines of not “conducive to mating”. She probably made it very clear when she mentioned the restraining order. It is our theory that the pandas have such trouble mating because clearly the male pandas are jackasses and no self-respecting female is letting that jerk anywhere near her reproductive organs.

2. Vernissage. Get a load out of this. This might be the most brilliant packaging in the history of Madison Avenue. Aren’t these the cutest purses ever? Yes, they are – ONLY THEY’RE NOT PURSES. THEY’RE BOXES OF WINE!!!! They come in black, white and pink for red, white and rose. And, this ladies and gentlemen, is why we’ll need a twelve step program by the end of the year.

3. Babies aptly named. The Sisters are not big bird people, except for penguins and puffins. They are exempt for obvious reasons. Puffins are super cute, too, with their funny shaped beaks and cool markings. When we tell you the real reason why we love puffins, you’re going to love them too. The puffin chicks are aptly named pufflings. PUFFLINGS. If that’s not the cutest name ever, we don’t know what is.

4. Walgreens. We noticed this week that the Walgreens people are putting up another store. Thank God. We are ever so pleased by this development because few things are worse in this world than having to drive more than two blocks to get to a Walgreens. This particular corner had been so destitute without a Walgreens up to this point, it was tragic. You understand the people in that neighborhood had to drive five blocks to get to the next Walgreens. FIVE. We were going to suggest a telethon or something for these folks. They were practically rural. Oh the horror. People shouldn’t have to live like this. Such a shame.

5. The Girl Who Lives at Ava’s House. Through no fault of her own, she got to spend afternoons with us at work this week. It was wonderful to have her here because we were seriously lacking in eyerolling and deep, aggrieved sighing. Besides, we’ve been feeling entirely too good about ourselves lately and  it’s good to be reminded of your station in life and your negative cool factor every once in a while by a teenager. Otherwise, we all run the risk of getting an ego or something. We can’t have that.