Things I Wish I Had Known

In the afterglow of New Year’s Eve, on this first day of a brand new, shimmering year, after hours of sleepless cursing at the neighbors who left their dog out overnight to bark incessantly at the other neighbors who felt the need to have a party with a DJ in their back yard which nearly drowned out the other neighbors who decided to blow up the street with fireworks until 1am (phew), I feel old.

I’m not sure when it happened.  Although I was never one to participate in the New Year’s Eve phenomena anyway, I was at least more tolerant of the revelry pursued by the masses.  But those days are gone. 

Apparently I need a compound hundreds of acres wide with nary a neighbor in site.  My hubbie gleefully reminds me that I chose to live in this house which happens to be 10 feet away from my neighbors on each side and 50 feet away from the neighbor in the back.  But a DJ?  With speakers taller than the people at the party?  I could burp on my back porch and my neighbor could hear it.   A DJ?  REALLY?

So in my fitful, contemplative state, I came up with a few things that I wish I had known… 

1.  That the angelic-appearing poodle I picked out to surprise my daughter would end up eating the arm of her new favorite doll.  And the head of her favorite toy snake.  And the legs off of her mini toy tortoise collection.  All of them.  And the last piece of the 300 piece puzzle we worked on for 3 days.  And some cat poop he found in the front yard.  And the back yard.  And at the park.  Just how many cats are there around here anyway?

2.  Nuclear Physics. 

3.  My neighbors are prone to hiring DJ’s.

4.  That my husband could iron. 

5.  That he could also clean a bathroom, if properly incentivized.  Ahem.

6.  How much I would miss snow.  And lakes, mountains, pine trees, rivers, grass and autumn leaves.

7.  That sunbathing covered in baby oil was a bad idea.  (You know you tried it too…)

8.  Nuclear Physics. (Yes, again)

9.  That the elliptical I HAD to have would sit in the corner of my family room, draped with drying laundry, pillows, Slankets/Snuggies, Christmas decorations, and as of last night at 2 am, after listening to a barking dog while the DJ spun Who Let the Dogs Out, a nicely knotted noose. 

10.  That I should have listened to my hubbie, who strongly recommended that we buy a treadmill instead of an elliptical.  I hear poodles are good on treadmills.  Here boy!

11.  Ernie and Bert.

12.  Did I mention that I didn’t sleep well?

13.  That in the year 2010 I would be old.  It sorta snuck up on me.  Maybe it’s better not to know ahead of time. 

14.   That my husband knew how to use the vacuum. 

15.  And that he would always like to watch sports.  I kinda thought  he would grow out of it. 

16.  Guess not.

17.  How to play the guitar.  I would have chosen the guitar because it’s easy to bash against things.  Like a neighbor.

18.  How to play tennis.  Or softball.  Because then I would have a racquet or a bat handy at all times.  Goes along with number 17.

19.  How to speak Italian. 

20.  That I would need a bullhorn and mace.

21.  Stick with me.  Did I remind you I haven’t had much sleep? 

22.  How to accurately use a sling shot.

23.  How to make Bansai trees.  And Oragami.  For my serenity room, of course.  That happens to overlook the neighbor’s yard.

24.  That I should have kept the stilts my Grandpa made for me.

25.  I wish I would have listened better to my yoga teacher who tried to teach me how to calm my mind and relax.

26.  That I should not have thrown a mini bronze buddha out the window of my serenity room towards a previously mentioned DJ.

27.  A bail bondsman.

So I think this list gives me a lot of opportunities for growth in 2010.  I’ll let you know how it turns out…