May 31

Another week down and we’re that much closer to retirement. Or if not retirement then death. Does that sound fatalistic? All we know is that work is awful and we’d rather be writing in a Starbucks and watching the freaks. Or shopping. Sassy asked her father the other day what he would do if the zombies came. He said the typical things but then interjected that Amylynn would be raiding Tiffany’s. Amylynn mentioned that Ava would be liberating zoo animals. We figure as long as we have a plan, it will all work out. The following things were giggle worthy this week.

1. Giant pink slugs. We’re not especially fond of slugs – Australian or otherwise. Who is? Still, this new development makes us wonder, what the hell is going on with the Australian wildlife? Regardless, what we do like about the slugs is that they’re pink. Well, not really pink. They’re more PIIIINK. Why in Zeus’s name would there be a slug this color? They’re also really big – like 8 inches. If you’re not sure how big that is, ask a guy. He’ll tell you that is gigantic. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We crack ourselves up. Anyway, if you go up on the mountain where they live at the right time of morning, you’ll see hundreds of them. We’ll bet if you’re not expecting them you’ll

Oh Hell no!

assume you’re having an acid flashback or something. In order to complete their look – we think we should round up some adventurous Australians and send them up the mountain with sequins.  Giant pink bedazzled slugs. Sounds like a punk band.

2. Bugs for dinner. The UN is suggesting that eating bugs will solve the world food crisis. We don’t think so and neither does Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report. He refuses to eat bugs. He won’t even eat gummy worms. “I use them to catch Swedish Fish,” he said. Right on. We’ve been seriously turned off of eating bugs since the 2008 Olympics when they did that horrifying story about the Chinese marketplace where you could buy tarantulas and scorpions on a stick. We had great plans for China, but now… We’ve revised the Great Panda Liberation plan to include giant suitcases of granola bars. We don’t really like granola bars either, but at least they have the appropriate number of legs at zero.

3. Sick days. Especially when you’re not sick. There’s something so fine about playing hooky. The Sisters hardly ever do it, but sometimes you just need a mental health day. Bank of No Forks can make a thinking person insane and sometimes you just need to reset your equilibrium in a way that a weekend doesn’t. Weekends are full of loud kids and house work and errands. A “sick

OH COME ON!

day” spent at Starbucks while you plan your escape from 9-5 drudgery makes it all better. Even more delightful is when you can do that with a friend.

4. Slothified. We found a story that got our panties all in a twist. We’re living in the wrong part of the world. That’s for damn sure. Apparently, we need to move to Suriname. Where the hell is Suriname, you ask? Its a country in Northern South America over by Brazil, and apparently it’s one of the greenest county on the planet – not in terms of recycling, but in jungle-y sort of vegetation. Still there is deforestation. There is a lady there who runs Green Heritage Fund Suriname and she received a call that some sloths were in danger in an area being developed. She went out there and returned with 200 sloths – many of them such small babies they needed to be fed with eyedroppers. She had them every where in her home – hanging from plants, the drapes, sleeping in china bowls. The first thing you thought of was the poop situation, wasn’t it? We’ll admit that occurred to us as well, but it didn’t deter us. We want our share of baby sloths. We’re checking into the retirement plans for Suriname.

5. Racy Medieval Poems. A long lost collection of French poems from the 13th and 14th centuries has been newly translated and will be available June 10th. The 69 poems making up the fabliaux, are described as naughty, racy, and ribald and are rife with cuckolded husbands, randy priests, lusty women and a penchant for poop humor. These are the kinds of poems that, at the time, would have influenced Chaucer and his eyeopening Canterbury Tales. What’s fun about these poems – besides the titles such as The Peekaboo Priest – is that they certainly shed some light on the preconceived notion that the church was in control of everything.  And that human beings have always appreciated raunchy humor. Otherwise there is no explanation for Benny Hill, Caddyshack, or Animal House.