June 21

Have you ever been on an extended diet? It’s not fun. Even when you’re on one of those diets where you’re really never hungry, you’re still deprived of yummy stuff you want. Half of our office has been dieting together and that has meant four of the pissyest women you’ll ever meet. We’ve all become obsessed with the strangest foods. Our receptionist won’t stop talking about Chipwiches. Are you familiar with Chipwiches? They are the most delightful concoction of chocolate chip cookies with a scoop of vanilla ice cream sandwiched between them. An ice cream sandwich on steroids. She keeps whispering, “Chipwich” under her breath as if to hypnotize us into climbing into the car and driving to the grocery store in a stupor only to return with a case of Chipwiches. While we were losing our minds, we were also laughing at these things.

1. Jimmy’s still missing. It was 38 years ago that Jimmy Hoffa went missing and they’re still digging up yards in Detroit looking for his body. What if they find him? What will they do then? We think it’s really better if we just leave him missing. For several reason but mainly because he will be really icky if they find him now. We’re just saying. And maybe he’s not dead anyway. What if he’s living on a Caribbean Island somewhere enjoying his old age? Regardless of where he is, if they find him, think of all the FBI agents who’ll be out of work? And all those books from the library which will be debunked. This is a cottage industry we’re talking about and we think there are more important things our nation’s police could be doing than looking for Jimmy. Like making the guy a couple of houses down quit riding his motorcycle 75 miles an hour down our street. One more thing – we think Jimmy Hoffa might be a good name for our panda, that way no one will be able to find him if they come looking? Brilliant?

2. Cronuts. Let us introduce you to cronuts. What, pray, is a cronut? This little morsel is the bane of dieters everywhere. The unholy union of croissants and donuts. A frosted, deep fried croissant. No, indeed, we are not messing with you. Here’s the deal. These little beauties have become all the rage in Manhattan. People started lining up hours before they go on sale. Pretty soon scalpers got involved. Now, there is a Manhattan company who will bring you a cronut anywhere on the island for the paltry sum of $100, and a twenty piece set for $5,000. We want to make sure you understand the bakery itself sells them for $5 a piece. We’d also like it mentioned

that our little backwater town has had cronuts for years. You can get them at the Basha’s for $1 and there’s never a line. New York ain’t all that.

3. Liliger. It’s all over. If ever there was a fuzzy creature that could turn our heads from a panda it’s a liliger. This particular liliger was born in a zoo in Siberia. Her mommy is a 1/2 tiger, 1/2 lioness – a liger. Her daddy is a lion. We’ve named her Bernadette. She will be ours. According to Google, the driving time from here to Siberia is around 50 hours assuming you’re going 60 miles per hour. We shall not

A chandelier?

drive 60 mph. That’s ridiculous. There is a liliger on the line. We need to get there while she’s still small enough to fit into Amylynn’s purse.

4. Royal Ascot. It’s been a very long week. It’s hot out and you just want a damn cookie. You think the whole world is occupied with people just as crabby as yourself. Then along comes Royal Ascot. Please, for your own well being, follow the jump and take in the slide show. If we didn’t tell you it was for a horse race, you’d think it was a Dr. Seuss convention. We understand that this event has become an occasion of each person trying to top the next, but a few of these are so astounding your jaw will hang open. Or maybe the whole thing is just a very convoluted way to guarantee yourself more personal space. With some of these hats you couldn’t get within five feet of the woman.

5. Banned from driving. We’ll bet you think this one’s about Ava, don’t you? Nope. The only reason it isn’t is because Ava would never be caught dead on a scooter. That’s a recipe for disaster. No, this one’s about Gerard Depardieu. The French actor has been banned from driving in France because he was so drunk he fell off his scooter and hurt his elbow. Mercifully, no one else was involved in the accident. So now that you know he’s been removed as a menace to sober society, you can laugh at how ridiculous he is. Falling off scooters and peeing in the airplane aisles. Yuk.  It’s a good thing he owns a vineyard because the man takes his wine consumption very seriously.