Real world advice from the people who say it like it is

I present to you the Amylynn and Ava read aloud from Dear Abby portion of our morning ritual.

This is the letter in question

Dear Abby,
My fiancée, “Tina” and I made a resolution to lose weight for our wedding. Everything has been going great except for one thing. (Here’s where we roll our eyes in anticipation of the “THING”) because men lose weight faster than women, I know weigh less at 6 foot 1 than she does at 5 feet 4.
Tina already has self-esteem issues. I want to look good for our wedding, but not at the cost of my fiancée’s hurt feelings. What can I do?
-At A Loss In Michigan

Abby suggested nice pop-psychology answers that are very newspaper friendly. We’d like to offer AALIM some real world advice. He’s gonna need it.

Dear At A Loss,
Go get some beer and some lovely carbs and start bulking up. Right now. Get in the car. There is nothing that pisses women off more than men losing weight faster and easier than women. There is no solution other than putting on some weight as fast as you can. We also suggest you do this in the closet because if she catches you eating cake when she’s had nothing but miserable meat and water for the last three months you’re going to die. Slowly.

This is actually a great test to see if you can become a successful husband. Women know they’re crazy. We’ve all embraced it. However, losing weight faster than her for your FREAKING WEDDING is the worst possible thing you could do. She’d probably take cheating on her at the bachelor party easier than you weighing less than her.

This is a problem. No kidding around.

Actually, we think your fiancée should reconsider this whole thing. No woman needs this kind of nonsense.