I like to call it Independant Accidental Exsanguination

I’m going to tell you all something important. I am a clumsy person. I am dramatic, too. You add dramatic and clumsy together you get an epic fail.

There is this one thing I do all the time–well at least ten times–on accident, and one of these days it’s going to kill me. I’m going to describe it here in a minute, but the reason I’m telling you the gory details now is because I don’t want you people to think I’ve been attacked when I’m found dead in a parking  lot.

So picture this: I use my right hand to take the keys out of my ignition, right? Then, still using my right hand, I grab my purse off my passenger seat and slip it over my right shoulder–still holding the keys. Women generally use that same right thumb to slide under the purse strap to adjust it on your shoulder. Keep in mind that damn ignition key is sorta pointing out. That’s when I’ve repeatedly stabbed myself in the jugular.

Now you ask, probably out loud because this tale is alarming, “Why, you stupid woman, don’t you put your keys in your purse first?”

Oh, internet, you’re forgetting that if I do that, then I have to fumble around again in the parking lot, looking for these same damn keys which will now have fallen to the deepest darkest recesses of my purse in the matter of mere seconds, to lock the car.

You see, stabbing myself is inevitable.

One of these days I’m going to bleed out in a parking lot. Just wait. It’ll happen and then you can say, “Holy shit! That’s exactly what she said would happen.” It’s like I’m psychic or something.