This is why I’m in charge of naming the animals at my house

We went to the county fair this weekend. I love the fair. Not because of the rides. I’m actually very afraid of fair rides. I’ll happily ride roller

Hi! I’m a piggy named Myrtle

coasters at a Disney park or Great America or just about any actual park. Not at the fair. Those rides, plus the people who traditionally operate carnival rides. scare me. They take all those down every ten days! That crap’s scary. I’m very happy to be the official holder of crap while everyone else puts their lives a risk.

This was the goat. That is not my hands reaching for him. That was a kid I had to knock down.

Also, Ferris wheels are scary! Scary! SCARY! You could have a Ferris wheel built by the best engineers and mechanics on the planet. You could have it inspected by the biggest hard-ass inspector ever born. You could have it blessed by the Pope, a rabbi, and the high priestess of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I’m still not getting on it. I can’t tell you exactly what my problem is, but I can’t tell you what it is with spiders either. They both just scare the bejesus out of me.

But you know what’s good at the fair? ANIMALS!!!

Why yes, I do have fabulous hair. Thank you.

I could spend hours in the petting zoo alone. In fact, I was expressly forbidden from putting a baby goat in my purse. And the wee tiny pigs were adorable.

I love a nice boy finger

The llama had a bit of an attitude, but he was very stylish about it. My favorite though, was a baby donkey. We named him Edgar and he liked to nibble your fingers very gently.

Also, not in the petting zoo, there was an Egyptian Sphinx. You know it as that weird hairless cat. This is the kind Ava wanted to get for her daughter when she wanted a cat. Ava liked it ’cause it wouldn’t shed. I told her very sternly to quit f***ing around and get her daughter a cat with hair. Thus Ricki the finest Abyssinian came to live at their home and provide us with entertainment. When I saw the hairless cat yesterday, I had to touch it. Wouldn’t you? Turns out she felt like a little bald man. And she was very warm. And quite tolerant all things considered.

We always go to the 4H barns, too, to see all the piggys and goats and bunnies. Some woman was trying to sell me bunnies. Me of all people.

Bald is beautiful.

Can you imagine? Some people just see a sucker coming, huh? Well, I didn’t buy a bunny, but not because I didn’t want to. I wanted to, believe me. I think a bunny would be lovely to cuddle with. Instead, I was busy “helping” all the 4H kids rename their animals.

“Hi,” said a boy carrying the world’s biggest guinea pig. “You wanna pet him?”

“Obviously! I wanna pet every animal.” I tickled the monster under the chin. “What did you name him?”

The boy looked thoughtful. “I’m thinking Zeus.”

I squinched up my nose. “That’s not a good name. How about Herbert?”

“Uh, okay,” he said and looked over his shoulder for, I’m guessing, support from a sane person.

As soon as that boy walked away, a little girl asked me if I wanted to pet her guinea pig. Clearly, she’d not witnessed how badly that went for the last kid. This animal was smaller and a lot less bulky all around. It was also a pretty bronze color.

“Sure!” I said with excitement. I petted the thing, then asked, “What did you name it?”

“Cinnamon,” she said with a confident smile, “because of her color.”

I shook my head. “I think Susie would be better.”

“Uhhhhhhhhh.” She looked at me with raised eyebrows.

My kids grabbed my arm. “Come on, Mom, you’re scaring people.”