May 16

We had to go to the Hobby Lobby today. First, we’d like to mention that no one was harmed, although it was touch and go there for a while. Amylynn and The World’s Greatest Receptionist got HANGRY and Ava wouldn’t let us leave because she has to touch every single thing in the store. (True – I do need to touch everything in there.)  She will try to claim that this is somehow Amylynn’s fault but it isn’t (False – we were there for Amy’s table décor for AZ Dreamin’). Ava was doing this on purpose and Amy and WGR were innocent bystanders. It got so bad that Amy had to go get a cart because her purse got so heavy her arm was going to fall out of it’s socket (False – Amy’s arm was going to fall out of its socket not due to time but because she keeps EVERYTHING she owns in there except her husband and children.). Pretty soon they’re not going to let us back in that store (False – they will always let Ava in the Hobby Lobby, she has their platinum card.). It wasn’t anyone’s fault but Ava’s. Fortunately, these things are funny anyway.

1. This is the exact reason the Universe won’t allow us to be rich. Dracula’s castle is for sale. It’s in Romania, obviously. The listing price is somewhere in the neighborhood of 47M pounds. Construction began in 1377, so it’s really old. We think that alone will allow us to negotiate a lower price. The other thing in our negotiating favor is the fact that, though there are 57 bedrooms, there is not one single bathroom. Not a one. And get this. They don’t even advertise that the place is haunted. We think that would make it more valuable, right?  We would have already bought this if we had the money and that’s why the gods don’t allow us anymore than $58.00 at anyone time.

2. Tainted cheese. A mozzarella factory in Rome has been shut down by the police and they arrested thirteen people after discovering the prized local buffalo milk was being cut with cheaper cow milk. Our whole world is blown. We’re not sure how we’ll ever go on.

We’re not sure we’re brave enough to milk her – that could be the problem all along

What are we supposed to do with this information? If you can’t trust your cheese, what the hell can you trust? Seriously. How long did this go on? Are those Italians so uncultured as to not recognize when their mozzarella is impure? We can’t believe it.  And who knew that buffalo’s give milk?

3. Maybe they keep them in the chickens. A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested for breaking into his neighbors house. He claimed that the only reason he was in there was because he needed some eggs for breakfast. Oddly he was looking for these eggs in the dressers and cabinet doors all over the house. Why don’t the people in Pennsylvania keep their eggs in the refrigerators like normal people? Is this a thing in Pennsylvania? All Pennsylvania or just Middletown? Bizarre. Wait a minute. Maybe we didn’t understand the point of this story.

4. Everyone needs a hobby. We’ve been trying to figure out how to fill our days at Bank of No Forks and we have recently been inspired by a 34-year-old hairdresser from Virginia. She is now among the world most elite counterfeiters. She discovered that she could erase the ink from five dollar bills by soaking them in “Purple Power” degreaser and rubbing them with toothbrushes. She dried the blank, water-marked bills with a hairdryer, then ran them through an HP printer and TADAA! Now she had fifty and one hundred dollar bills. Did you know Amazon will deliver a five gallon bucket of that degreaser for $58.00. We’re just sayin’.

5. This isn’t funny. But it sorta is. Remember Clay Aiken? He won American Idol. He was running for a political office in North Carolina. Apparently, he was in the lead. The other guy, Keith Crisco, didn’t do so well in the election. Aiken was beating him soundly before the vote. That’s sort of embarrassing for a politician, don’t you think? Not that we mean anything disparaging about Mr. Aiken, we don’t know anything about his politics, but it would be a bit embarrassing to lose to a former American Idol. Mr. Crisco did the only thing he could under the circumstances. He died. Seriously. That’s awful for Mr. Crisco’s family, and we’re very sorry. But at least he didn’t officially lose if he’s dead.