Have I reached Col. Pushkin?

Okay. I’m going to tell you right now that this blog post is disturbing.

If you’re easily disturbed – Look away LOOK AWAY!

You’ve been warned. Alright, here we go.

Way back in high school Amylynn came up with the diet plan that involved voluntarily getting a tape worm. It all seemed logical–lose all kinds of weight while eating everything you want. WIN!

Then things got even better. Now you can get a simple antibiotic to cure yourself of that nasty parasite as soon as you hit your target weight. What could be more perfect?

The Sisters met with Kelli, the errant Sister, at the Church. She was appalled about a website she discovered–purely on accident–(uh huh) that sold tapeworms. You know I got right on there because I had to know.

This is where things get disturbing. This is your second warning. I’m just saying.

The website, which is mostly in Russian, will sell you a tape worm for $34.25. Here is the description:

All eggs guaranteed and fresh.  Collected at Владивосток Vladivostok Soviet prison camp in one liter slurry of liquid human excrement.  Mature tapeworm grows to up to 10 metres.

Please allow 12 weeks for delivery.  Use promply on arrival by applying to salad or uncooked food.  Do not refrigerate.  Contact Col. Dimiti Pushkin for delivery.  Please to accept cash only Euros or American Dollars.  No returns.

Now, if you didn’t read that well enough, I’d like to point out a few highlights. Let’s start with “one liter slurry of liquid human excrement.” What. The. F? Can this really go through the mail? What if it breaks open? All the Lands End catalogues would be ruined! How are you going to explain that to your postal professional?

Also, “Collected at Владивосток Vladivostok Soviet prison camp” gives me pause. Surely this has to be against the Geneva convention. Or any convention. I’m saying with absolute certainty that I have NO wish to be in any prison, but DEFINITELY NOT in a Russian prison camp if this is what’s going on over there.

Also, be aware–“No returns.” Seriously, no returns. WHO THE HELL WOULD TRY TO RETURN THIS? WHO? People are so disturbing.

They have no restrictions on exactly what you can use this tape worm for. They suggest: “Play pretty good joke on friends!” Which frankly sounds Chinese not Russian.

Well, honestly, that is one hell of a joke, don’t you think?