Help me out here, dude

Dear Jared Leto,

I made my sister and friends watch another of your movies today. It was “Requiem of a Dream”. As you’ll recall, they cut your arm off. I guess

Just like this only with a puppy

that’s better than dying like in Alexander. Any who, there was a “small” (read “large”) revolt and watching more Jared Leto movies has been taken off the table.

I know what you’re thinking. “Those bitches! What do they know? I have an Oscar! And have you seen my hair?”

All true and I said as much in your defense.

Is this your dog? Both of you can get paid. Is that your mom in the background? Bring her too!

I know you’re out there rockin’ but eventually you’ll want to be in another movie. Here’s what I suggest: go with a movie where you’ll look good (read “HOT”), more lines than in Alexander, you don’t die or lose body parts, and a puppy is involved. The puppy idea comes from that new Tom Hardy movie that’s out. You’ll have to admit that even though Tom doesn’t have an Oscar like you, he can act so you can’t really tell me a movie in which you look good, speak, don’t die, and carry a puppy would insult your artistic integrity. If it does, use the pay check to make yourself feel better.

If you need me to review scripts for you, just let me know. I’d be happy to find your next project.

With much fondness and high hopes to get you back in our movie rotation,

Ava Bright