December 5

You know what’s crazy? We always made fun of our retired friends and family because they were always so busy all the time. What could they possibly be doing every day? Why were they out driving? Where were they going? Did they really have that many doctors’ appointments? Turns out, now that we’re unemployed, we’re so damn busy we can’t believe it. People know we’re off work so they have a million things they need us to do. There hasn’t been one single day where we sat around and did nothing. We don’t like it. It’s darn inconvenient. We’d been looking forward to doing a whole lot of nothing. Yep, no. Nope. Never fear, though, we still have plenty of time to find funny stuff. Here you go.

1. Prep & Pastry. We’d heard about this place a while ago, but hadn’t made it in yet. We’re sorry we waited so long. We did what we always do – order two things and then split them both. As hearty connoisseurs of pancakes, we ordered the chef’s whim pancakes—strawberry infused plate sized cakes, nice and thin, crispy on the edges, and golden brown. Slices of strawberry were mixed throughout. The whole glorious stack was topped with slivers of toasted almonds, more strawberries, whipped cream, and chocolate drizzle. Honest to Zeus, it was the best thing we’d had in our mouths in quite a while. We also got the Monte Cristo of which we are rabid fans. It was tasty, too, but it paled in comparison to the pancakes. If it sounds like we’re writing a love letter to those pancakes, we totally are. Also to the excellent service. Nathan the owner stopped by and we gushed. He seemed pleased to be listed as a favorite thing on our site. For the rest of our sojourn we were treated like minor celebrities. We totally are—in our own mind, of course.

2. Dear Amy. A letter in the advice column of the Picayune the other day was seeking advice on an issue with a family member. They were trying to decide if they needed to attempt a reconciliation with a cousin whose wife is a “mean-spirited drama queen.” Hey! Wait a minute, was this letter about us? We conferred with each other and determined that we are NOT mean-spirited. Most of the time. We read further. The advice included the following, “You can’t figure out what that message is because your special crazy cousin decoder ring is broken.” Whoa! There is totally a market for this. Someone needs to notify NASA or Bill Gates or that guy who invented the internet and get them on this right away. The applications are endless.

3. Using all the words. The Sisters talk, a lot. While doing so we like to use all the words available to us. As usual, we get some flak for this. The Girl Who Lives at Ava’s House has established a moratorium on words with more than two syllables. We ignore her. This week we got eyerolls and blank stares when we used the words “puerile” and “fortuitous”. We’ll be the first to admit we couldn’t spell puerile all by ourselves, but we could use it correctly in a sentence. We’re given so many opportunities with all those teenagers in our houses. Amylynn wished the cable repair guy “fortuitous shopping” on black Friday only to get a shake of the head and a furrowed brow in return. We can’t help ourselves. These things just come out of our mouths. We simply think people should play along.

4. Morons. Two teenagers in Houston, Texas tried to carjack someone only to discover the car was a stick shift. The idiots then held the driver at gunpoint and demanded that he teach them to drive it. Can you imagine how that went? The driver screaming, “More clutch! More clutch!” all the while the gears were grinding into dust. Ultimately, the driver was forced from the vehicle and a short police chase ensued. The teens “had issues operating the vehicle” and abandoned the car only to be caught when they fled on foot. No

This could solve everything.

information was given about what kind of car it was—Ford Pinto or Maserati. Ava has teenagers in her house and believes every word of this story is true. There’s a moral in this somewhere. We’re just not sure what it is.

5. You’ll burn your eyes out. An arrest was made in Salt Lake City, Utah for a 77-year-old man for sun bathing in the nude back in March. He has a fence around his yard, but it’s chain-link with no privacy slats. We have many concerns here, as we’re sure you can imagine. We’re not even going to touch the man’s age. That’s too easy; the jokes write themselves on that one. Let’s start with what the hell took them so long to issue the arrest warrant? It’s been NINE months. What the hell are they doing in Salt Lake City that’s so damn important that this atrocity hasn’t been stopped? Also, in MARCH? Isn’t it still pretty darn cold in Utah in March? Exactly how tan does this man need to be? He contends he’s allowed to do what he wants in his own yard, but the members of the church next door disagree and would like him to put his junk away. We’re going to start a Kickstarter fund for a Speedo for the guy. Or fence slats. Or a tanning bed.