December 26

Christmas is over. All of our money has been spent. The wrapping has been decimated and the boxes torn into. For a while there it looked like our houses had been ransacked by very destructive Huns. Also, we’re checking into rehab for our cats. Every year they get some catnip for Christmas and every year we forget they aren’t to be trusted to know when enough is enough. Let’s just say that moderation is not something they’re familiar with. Even the dogs were disturbed by their antics. But all in all, it was a nice holiday. Now we just need to get our houses back in order. You read these funny things while we dig out the coffee table.

1. Nibbley goats. This news story couldn’t be more timely. Since we didn’t get the puppy we were hoping for this year we’re going to renew our desire for a baby goat. There’s a group of goat owners in Reno, Nevada who are promoting their goats to eat your retired Christmas tree. They tested out their theory that the goats would eat the trees by tossing a piece of pine tree to them in the yard. They devoured it–needles and all. Apparently, the needles and such are full of vitamin C and is a natural dewormer so they’re healthy for the little dudes. This is just one more reason why we need one. Attention Misters Bright – let’s think of the year 2015 as the one we get a goat.

2. Gluttons. Every once in a while we present to you a story where men humiliate themselves in a misguided attempt at glory. Usually these stories end up with our “hero” in a hospital or a morgue. Fortunately for the women who inexplicably love this latest fellow, he only ended up in the ER and later spent three days in the hospital. What bit of brilliance did the guy attempt, you ask? He was at an office Christmas party when he engaged in an eggnog chugging contest. He managed a quart of the stuff in 12 seconds. He accomplished this feat with such wild abandon that he inhaled some into his lungs. Hours later he was driven to the hospital shaking and struggling to breath. Personally, we despise eggnog and for that reason–and our X chromosomes–we would not participate in such debauchery.

3. Presents from Pele. Good news. The lava flow from the erupting volcano stopped just short of Pahoa Marketplace with only 700 yards to spare. We suspect Santa intervened. Why else would the shopping center be saved? Why? Can you imagine what it must be like, for whatever reason you don’t have your shopping finished and your only option is the Pahoa Marketplace shopping center but THERE’S LAVA ADVANCING. All we can say, Hawaii, is don’t procrastinate your shopping. That’s a level of stress nobody needs.

4. KFC? Really? So Christmas is barely celebrated in Japan. When we say barely, we mean like 1% of the population is Christian. That doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy some retail celebration. Any excuse, right? The country has been creating their own traditions since the end of World War II when the Christmas Cake came into existence. Wait, what? We like cake. Maybe we’re in. What else do they have going on? Obviously if you have Christmas Cake then you need to have Christmas Dinner, right? Well, the Kentucky Fried Chicken people have pulled off a coup of epic proportions. They’ve managed to convince the population of Japan that they are the most celebrated purveyors of this meal which includes fried chicken, a salad, and the aforementioned Christmas cake. People wait for hours on line for this “delicacy.” We think this is most fitting since Ava’s family always eats Chinese food on Christmas day.

5. Yay, 1st Amendment! We don’t really long to see The Interview. Nope, not even a little bit. If we see it at all, it’ll be because our teenagers insist upon it. They can’t help themselves. Seth Rogan is right in their wheel house. Nevertheless, we’re very glad it’s being released after all this hacking and threats nonsense. We strongly believe in free speech–even if James Franco is involved, we’re writers after all. We just hope he can control himself for the sake of humanity.