February 6

The weather here is so nice this week that we’d like to remind the citizens of our town about the importance of undergarments. Today the Sisters saw no less than three individuals who could really use a remedial education in foundation garments. Sadly, it seems the people we all want to see the least of, wear the smallest clothes. We’re not shaming. Maybe a little. Hey, if they’re happy with their bodies, then Yahoo! for them. We suppose we’re coming at this from our own insecurities. Nevertheless, we thought we’d put together a primer like you got in kindergarten along the lines of See Spot Run. It would go something like this: Jane wears panties. Panties are fun.

Just because you lay it out pretty is not going to convince us to eat this.

Fun. Fun. Fun. Jill wears a bra. Bras are fun. Fun. Fun. Fun for everyone. So now that we’ve given you those disturbing visions, let’s talk about something that really is fun.

1. Burgler or housesitter? First we want to mention that we were nowhere near Ohio this week. A Newton  Falls, Ohio couple reported a burglary in their house. It was ransacked of prescription drugs, a video games console, a DVD player, and dozens of movies. That’s very alarming and we’re sorry for those people. Here’s where things took a strange turn. It seems the burglars hung around for a bit. They had some coffee, smoked some cigarettes, and apparently, in a nod towards evening out the karma, they fed the dogs bologna. As far as we’re concerned, that’s the only appropriate use of bologna. Once again the Sisters have to point out a woeful lack of reporting in the article. There was no mention whatsoever of what kinds of dogs. Are we talking about shih tzus or bull mastiffs here? We feel this is a significant lack of information pertinent to the story.  Also, the couple themselves were arrested when they reported the burglary because they had outstanding warrants of their own. Again, we have no idea what they were for either. Isn’t this infuriating? We’re almost sorry we brought it up.

2. Harper Lee. We can’t tell you how excited we are about Go Set A Watchman. We are possibly some of the biggest fans of To Kill A Mockingbird and we read it once a year just because it’s such a lovely piece of work. Amylynn might or might not have a first edition copy she may or may not show you depending on how dirty your hands are. We’ve already preordered our copy of the new book from Amazon and it’s not even being released until July 14th. It’s already at the top of the Amazon best seller lists and, again, IT’S NOT OUT

Don’t go to this site unless you are a mature individual. Sadly, we are not.

UNTIL JULY. Just so you know, we will be out sick from work and won’t be accepting calls on July 14th. You’ve been warned.

3. Want extra money? We’re going to present a weird idea to you and we just ask that you come along on the ride with us. It seems that along with blood, plasma, bone marrow, kidneys, livers, sperm, and eggs, you can also donate poop. Yes, poop. This article begged to be read and we did it so that you don’t have to. Here’s the deal. You have poop and you’re not currently using it for anything, right? So now you can donate it to a company called OpenBiome for up to $13,000 a year. Whaaaaaaaa? you’re probably saying, right? That’s what we said! It’s actually used as medicine for people with a horribly wretched infection called C. difficile. The only issue is that OpenBiome is elitist when it comes to their poop donors. They only end up accepting  about 4% of the people who attempt the screening. Sadly, that means that you can’t just box up your poop and  mail it on in and expect a check. We formally request that when you ignore our advise you don’t mention The Quill Sisters or this site when the FBI comes to see you. We have enough of our own troubles.

4. They’re not registered at Target. We really hope you kept the receipt for those sterling silver sporks you got in anticipation of Charles Manson’s (80) wedding to his fiancée who goes by Star (26). Sadly the marriage license expired yesterday without a wedding taking place. We told you about this fiasco back in the November 21 5 Things. There was no reason given for the delay in the nuptials because of course there’s not. No reporters ever ask the questions the people want ~ nay NEED ~ to know. We can only hope that someone came to their senses. Maybe it’s because they couldn’t find a caterer.

5. OMFG Foxes! There is a place in Japan, Zao Fox Village in the Miyagi Prefecture, that has a fox sanctuary. Tourists can go there  and see all the adorable foxes and buy food to feed them. Like a petting zoo! It says RIGHT IN THE ARTICLE that foxes can be tamed and made into pets. Imagine the look we are giving you right now. We’re looking to schedule some time to head over to Japan. Leave us a note in the comments if you want one, also. We figure if we’re already picking up two, a few more won’t be that much more trouble. Besides, THEY’RE FOXES! We love their tails even though that’s obvious. Everyone loves their tails. But we’re also quite fond of those stylish black stocking legs. Adorable!