February 13

The first week of capitivity comes to an end. Everyone keeps asking us how it’s going and we guess that it’s going as well as can be expected. It’s better than being in actual prison, but then we keep coming back to the peace and quiet that would come with solitary confinement. As work goes, though, we shouldn’t complain. After all, we’re in an office with heating and air conditioning. We could be out roofing or digging ditches or something equally awful. Still, if you don’t think we’re going to complain, then you must be very new to this blog. We love nothing more than voicing a good complaint. Anyway, even though we’re at work these days we have plenty of time to amuse ourselves and you. Here we go.

1. Drink what? It has come to our attention that Mariah Carey is bored. That can be the only explanation for the fact that we discovered she is currently hawking water. We discovered this at the Walgreens on our corner (they’re on every corner. It’s their plan to take over the world. Be nice the the Walgreens people, soon they will be your overlord.) We are heartily amused by the packaging. It’s called Butterfly. Seriously. With no irony at all, it describes itself as, “A melodic beverage inspired by the magic of Mariah Carey.” It doesn’t stop there. The back extolls the following, “Butterfly gives everyone something new to sing about. Let this melodic blend of sophisticated sweetness lift you to your high notes every day that you pamper yourself with a sip of Butterfly inspired by Marah Carey.” We will tell you that it smelled like

Probably plague infested **shiver**

strawberries but tasted like perfume. Can you imagine the brainstorming session around this concept? Did we say BRAINstorming? We didn’t mean it.

2. The PLAGUE!!! Is still going strong! If you’re not alarmed you should be. The lastest bout is centered in Madagascar, having arrived in the wake of cyclones last month. So apparently, it’s not bad enough that your country is ravaged by cyclones, you get to have a deadly plague for dessert. It has already killed 57 of the 213 known cases. It continues to shock and amaze us that the plague is still a thing. We also DO NOT recommend that you Google “bubonic plague” because that will scare the hell out of you. And REALLY DO NOT look at the images. You’re not mature enough for that, we promise you. We do recommend that you don’t allow any rats to bite you. This has been a service announcement from the Quill Sisters.

3. Snakes are a thing. Say you live in Florida and you’re bored on a Friday night. You have absolutely no one to blame but yourself for that sorry state of affairs. We have discovered an activity that will keep you busy and possibly earn you money. No, not prostitution. Keep your pants on. Keep all your clothes on, please. Turns out the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is holding monthly sessions to train the general public on how to identify and catch “troublesome” snakes. We think all snakes are troublesome, but the FFWCC has specific guidelines. They mean Burmese pythons. Seriously. These non-native snakes have completly run Florida over and they’re sending the good citizens out there to catch ’em. We don’t know what they’re catching them with, but we suggest you stay in your damn car. Look at the size of that thing on the right. HOLY CRAP!

4. We still don’t think you should try spaghetti. A man in Marietta, GA received a ticket under the distracted driver law of that state. What was he doing you wonder? Was he shaving? Screwing his wife? Changing a diaper? Nope. He was eating a cheeseburger. In fact, the policeman who issued the ticked was reported as having said, “You can’t just go down the road eating a hamburger.” Of course, now we’re wondering how his driving was while eating the burger. Was he swerving? Bashing into other drivers? We don’t know what prompted the policeman to stop him in the first place and we never will because reporters never answer the important questions – like where he got this burger. Was there bacon on it? Anyway, a judge dismissed the case. Whew. Car Eaters Annonymous, Georgia Chapter can rest easy and nibble on their collective snacks.

5. Birthday woes. A woman wrote a letter to the newspaper advice column this week. She was frustrated because, while she remembers all her friends’ birthdays, they don’t seem to remember hers. She wants to know from the columnist what to do about this. Should she just forget it? Amylynn rolled her eyes SO HARD. No one ever forgets her birthday because she tells every one about it within the first 20 minutes of meeting her. (It’s August 5th, by the way.) Amylynn will then remind you on a regular basis of the date and how many shopping days you have left. She will expect a present and she makes that very clear. It is our position that if people forget your birthday you have no one to blame but yourself. Quit being a wuss! (Ava here – Amylynn left out the part about how she tells you to save a dollar a day for her present. She says it to near strangers as soon as she tells them her birth date. She even knows how many days are left until August 5 – as in “If you start today, you can still save $173.00 by August 5th.)