March 6

This morning did not start well. A little boy forgot his homework and his mother broke the cardinal rule of fetching it for him. Of course she wasn’t notified until she was already half way across town. The reason she broke the rule was because his having detention was terrifically inconvenient for her. Don’t worry, she left a very mean note for him with the teacher. Since she was already absurdly late for work, she decided a bagel and Starbucks would make things better. It totally would have, too, except that the chick who made the bagel was in training–or so said the button on her apron–and it took her approximately 27 minutes to spread cream cheese. Then coffee was spilled on a pink sweater. A Raw Sugar packet was dropped into a Venti Latte and had to be fished out. Now her coffee tastes vaguely of paper. No matter how funny these things are today, the cloud has settled. Go ahead – laugh your ass off. Here we go.

1. The main reason we’re not going to Mumbai. There are probably a bunch of reasons, but once the Sisters found out that it’s illegal to eat a steak there the Sisters said nope. Nope. A five-year prison sentence. Seriously. There is no risk whatsoever that we’ll ever become vegetarians. We know that’s incongruous with our deep and abiding love of fuzzy creatures, but it’s the truth. We never, ever name our food and we’re firmly entrenched in the belief that our steaks sprang from Zeus’s loins sliced and wrapped in styrofoam. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. All hell is breaking loose in Mumbai over this issue. The Muslims and the Hindus are getting nasty over it. We know that’s shocking, that people would be fighting over religious beliefs. Wait, it’s coming… It has to be said… Go ahead and grimace… Don’t have a cow, man.

2. Crazy old men. Harrison Ford crashed his airplane yesterday. You probably heard about it. There was a ripple in the Force. It seems that he’s going to be alright, but we freaked out a bit there especially with this coming so soon after losing another old crush. Consequently, we have a few things to say to the gentlemen of Hollywood. Why must you run around like this? Why? Can’t you just be happy watching Netflicks like the rest of the world? What did Calista Lockhart have to say when the hospital called? We hope she reamed you good, sir, because we can’t handle anything happening to Han Solo or Indiana Jones after Spock left us this week.

3. Other places we’re not going. Dateline: Kathmandu. Mount Everest to be exact. Apparently, there is so much human poop sitting around at the base camps that it’s become unhealthy. EWWWW!! Since people have been climbing the mountain since 1953 they’ve been pooping there, too. That totally makes sense, but we have never spent one single second thinking about that. Amylynn has some sort of weird fascination with Mount Everest ever since she read Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer. Ava doesn’t get it because if there’s one thing Amylynn detests it’s the outside. We need to get with Amylynn’s Uncle Lee who’s been to Base Camp and inquire as to his recollections. If that little boy from earlier forgets his homework again, we might send him and a shovel to Nepal for punishment.

4. We love Canadians. And not just because of hockey, but that continues to make us happy. We love them because, although they are quiet up there and exceedingly polite, they are subversively funny. Take for instance the latest trend from North of the border. In a delightful salute to the passing of Leonard Nimoy they are doctoring their five-dollar bills by adding pointy ears, slashy eyebrows, and Starfleet insignia. We love it. We also found a Canadian bill transformed into Severus Snape! Our hearts went pitter pat! We tried it with Abraham Lincoln but it totally doesn’t translate.

5. Glorious, glorious new cars. Ava got a new car!! Carly the Cadillac has been demoted to the kid’s car. Meet Jax the Jaguar. When she sent Amylynn a picture of the magnificent beast, it was merely a pipe dream. All it took was one long week of pointed comments, begging, sighing, threatening, reasonable arguments, and more sighing for the dream to become a reality. Finally Ed said yes. Probably cause he was worn down and tired of hearing about it already. Amylynn can hardly wait to start driving a Jaguar! Wait, you say. Didn’t Ava get the car? Yep! Like we said, Amylynn can hardly wait to start driving a Jaguar!