June 19

Stuff happened. We tried to care, but it’s just so darn hot. The only thing we care about is the air conditioning working in the car. This week Dave Durango decided he didn’t feel like conditioning the air. Amylynn can remember riding around in her parent’s car during the summer way back when with no AC. She doesn’t remember actually melting, but it might have happened. She does remember her skin sizzling when it touched the vinyl seat. Well, this week Amylynn decided she is much too old to be that hot. Like Scarlet O’Hara she declared, “As god is my witness I’ll never be hot again.” Not quite as convincing when you’re beet red and covered with sweat

new 2015 barbie’s feet vs 1980 Barbie’s feet

instead of artfully dirt smudged and as lovely as Vivian Leigh. It was pretty funny though. Like this stuff was funny.

1. New feet! At 56 years old, Barbie is way too damn old to be running around in stilettos and thigh-high go-go boots. Fortunately the people at Mattel realized this and they’ve finally given her ankle joints so the poor woman can wear flats. That’s reasonable don’t you think? We mean good grief, we think after all she’s been through the chick deserves to get to wear slippers once in a while, and we don’t mean the kind with kitten heels and marabou feathers. If she’s not careful she’s going to turn into one of those used up old women wearing too-young clothes and wandering around Walmart in the middle of the night.

2. This is not funny. Yet, somehow it is. The headline reads: Woman gets 23 years for slow-cooker death. Of course that makes a reader go, Whaaaaaat? The killer was apparently mentally unstable (????) and possibly drunk (????) when she got into an argument with a friend over politics so she beat her with a slow-cooker. Doesn’t that seem unwieldy? Slow-cookers are heavy and cumbersome. Of all the times we’ve considered killing someone with a kitchen implement, a slow-cooker was never on the list. I guess you work with what you’ve got. We will mention that the woman was totally shocked when she got her punishment. Some people.

3.  They should call when they consider competitive ice cream eating. So apparently there are a huge number of people trying to get pole dancing into the Olympics as a competitive sport. Actually, from what we learned as we read the article, this is already a thing. They don’t call it pole dancing and you should stop thinking what you’re thinking because these women have scary muscles and can kill you with one thigh. Apparently there is a local kid they’re calling a “pole prodigy”. Hmmmm. OK. You know, sometimes reading the article ruins the whole joke. Being informed ruins comedy. Dammit.

4. We’d call her Polly. Meet the words most adorable octopus. She’s not new. Scientists have known of her for a bit now, but she doesn’t have a name yet. They’re still coming up with it. One they’re seriously considering is Opisthoteuthis Adorabilis. Awww! Because she’s so cute. And pink. And it looks like she’s wearing a tutu. Actually, it’s because her tentacles are webbed so they look like a frilly skirt. Also, she has cut little flippers that look like pigtails when she’s swimming. Go here and watch the video. It’s adorable!

5. Kanga-baby. Okay, here we go. It is no longer acceptable to have a kangaroo as a service animal in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin. Some woman got herself a baby kangaroo, wrapped it up as a human baby, and put it in an infant car seat. Then she took it into McDonalds. Apparently, the short-sighted officials of this town only believe dogs or miniature horses are acceptable service animals. Now for whatever reason the police have banned kangaroos along with everything else. As we’ve come to expect from the news reporting agencies, there is no information about what this kangaroo did in the McDonalds to make the officials turn against it. Amylynn just recently touched a kangaroo and she can tell you unequivocally that having a “therapy” kangaroo would make her infinitely happier. If someone will let the Sisters have one, we swear we’ll never take it to McDonalds.