July 10

You know what’s awful? Television in the hospital. Seriously. It may be worse than food in the hospital. We’ll tell you we had a decent grilled cheese while we were here. Also some mozzarella sticks. Not at the same day. Grilled cheese pairs much better with fried zucchini, which was also pretty good, by the way. We do notice an interesting trend of cheese related food at the hospital cafeteria. Perhaps it’s their long term financial strategy. They keep us all full of processed cheese then take care of our ensuing medical issues afterward. You know, the hospital might be making us paranoid. Reasonably so, if you talk to people in the know. Anyway, while we investigate the padded room options, check out some other crazy stuff.

1. And this is why. We’ve warned you people before about this, but we’re going to do it again. It keeps coming up in the news which only proves that you should never, ever get on a Ferris wheel. 66 people had to be rescued from The Orlando Eye when it stranded them up there. It took three hours to get them all down. We can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Amylynn would not live through being stranded at the top of a Ferris wheel for that long. Her heart would explode. They don’t know why the wheel stopped working. We know why. Satan.

2. The people in Sitka are bored. In the spirit of full disclosure we’ll admit that we’ve never been to Sitka, Alaska. Odds are excellent that we never will. Half of the Sisters made it to Anchorage once and it was lovely. Sitka just seems…colder. Or something. Also, as we noted above, we suspect that the inhabitants of that town are desperate for things to do. Or visitors. They lured some travelers up there recently and then completely panicked when they went “missing”. The owners of the bed and breakfast where they’d been staying called out search and rescue when the California couple didn’t appear after their hike. Turns out they were at the circus and all of the panic was for naught. You’d think the entire town of Sitka would have gone to that circus and they’d have noticed strangers immediately. Still it’s nice to know that the good folks of Sitka are there to keep an eye on you when you visit.

3. What the hell is going on in Alaska? Apparently, the 49th state is playing the part of Florida this week. A 19-year-old man was sentenced in Kodiak for stealing underwear. It was decided he needs to have a sexually focused mental health evaluation when it was discovered that he had amassed a collection of over 100 pairs of stolen women’s underwear stashed in his room. We agree, even without knowing any other facts in this case, that an evaluation of that nature would be best. Don’t you think?

4. By a girl! One of the most hysterical things about the Independence Day celebrations in the US are all the silly contests that happen. Hot dog eating (gross!), pie eating (blueberries up your nose is not attractive) and cherry pit spitting (??) contests abound. What’s with all the food themed events? We’ve lived in American for nearly 100 combined years and we still think it’s weird. This year, a 15-year-old girl in Michigan spit a cherry pit 49 1/4 feet. The man who won his contest spit his pit 48’8″. His was quoted as saying, “Wait a minute. One of the girls beat me?” Our women’s lib got all riled up once we heard that. We’d like to answer for Miss Megan Ankrapp. That’s right. She did. She beat your ass. Turn in your man card. Jackass.

5. Tooting. If you’ve not had surgery – or do not know the mind of a 10-year-old boy – you may not really know the value of a good fart. Sassy is recovery nicely from her surgery. That’s the good news. The bad news is the gas pains. Sassy can be…ornery when she needs a good toot. We’re just sayin’ for the next couple of days you may want to stay clear of the methane cloud over our house. We’re sorry, ozone layer, for our contributions to the green house emissions.