August 14

Like much of the world, the Sisters have had a great big crush on Daenerys Targaryn. We’ve narrowed it down to the fact that she has dragons. Dragons she can sic on people she doesn’t like. How freaking fantastic would that be? So then we started wondering, since apparently dragons aren’t real, maybe we could train our cats to do our bidding instead. That’s what we really, really need–someone to do our bidding, we don’t care if they’re scaly with wings or fuzzy with sharp nails. Since our bidding is evil, cats should fit well into those plans. You know how cats are. We may need more cats. This is

This is the road to the grocery store.

where we run into trouble with our plan. You read this while we keep working out the kinks.

1. Phoenix is sinking. That’s what the scientists say, anyway. It seems it’s going down three-quarters of an inch a year. They say this is the result of ground water pumping decades ago, but we know better. This is all evidence that Phoenix is getting closer and closer to Hell. You don’t think so? Clearly you don’t live here. Now we’re not in Phoenix — thank Zeus — but we’re nearish and we are able to confirm to you that it is HOT AS HELL THERE. See, 3/4 of an inch closer every year. If you don’t believe in Hell, then the scientific reason is that magma is HOT and we’re getting closer to it. Either way, these are perfect conditions for a dragon.

2. More interesting than seaweed. Some teenager from Berlin was swimming in a lake in the German Alps when she found a 17.6 ounce bar of gold in the water about six feet under. Like all honest idiots who find good stuff like bars of gold and bags of money that fell off an armored truck, she turned it into the police. They have no idea where it came from or what the heck it was doing in the lake. They promptly dove into the water, but they didn’t find anything else under there. We never get lucky and find good stuff in lakes. We don’t even find ducks. We’re clearly going to the wrong lakes. (Okay, let’s be honest. We don’t really go to lakes.  Lakes are kept outside. We’re opposed to the outside unless some promises us a gold bar.)

3. Do you suppose she used wrapping paper? A baby baboon was missing from the Skopje zoo. Skopje is in Macedonia, in case you didn’t know. We didn’t know. In fact, we’re not ashamed to tell you that we’re not entirely sure we can tell you where Macedonia is with any real clarity. It was discovered that a woman stole the baby monkey as a birthday present for her son because he was in love with it. Because of course she did. We’re rather depressed to discover that no one loves us enough to steal us a monkey. It’s a good thing we don’t really want a monkey, but there are plenty of other animals we do want. Dear Macedonians, the Quill Sisters are available for adoption. Do you have any lion cubs?

4. It’s the Boston accent. This Sister firmly believe that we don’t need any new shows. We don’t want you to tell us about some great show you’re watching. We don’t want to watch just one episode to see if we like it. We will and that causes us trouble. Our list of must see TV is way too long as it is. Imagine how annoying it was when Ava accidentally found Ray Donovan on Showtime. She wouldn’t shut up about it and now Amylynn is nearly done with the 1st season. It’s a very good show. Liev Schreiber is great. Jon Voigt is better. The cast is excellent. And Liev takes his shirt off at least once an episode. Great show, shirt off – double win! If you have a hole in your television schedule…

5. This kid should get the latest bus pass. Did you hear about that kid in Switzerland who wanted the latest model Ferrari, but he was afraid to ask his dad for a new one, so he set the old Ferrari on fire to collect on the insurance money to buy it? We’d like to point out that this car was only one of twenty luxury cars this kid owns. Seriously. If we thought we wouldn’t go to prison, we’d consider setting things on fire in order to get replacements. Sadly, the person we want to engulf in flames won’t burn, being the Devil and all. We really, really need a dragon or two. (Truthfully – this kid should get a beating not a bus pass.  Nitwit.)