October 30

You know, adults shouldn’t be expected to work in an office on Halloween anymore than children should. It’s impossible to concentrate with all the hullabaloo going on around your office. Our team is wearing silly head gear. The one assigned to Amylynn is very Medusa-like. It has devil horns and long red and black ribbons. The Medusa part is from these black mesh tubes that dangle down in front of her face and light up with little tiny red light bulbs. The headband is squeezing her brain to a dangerous degree, but one must suffer through in the name of silliness. Ava’s wearing a tiny, purple witch hat with black netting. So long as we get candy, at some point, it’s all worth it. How are you celebrating? Contemplate your costume and we’re share some goofiness.

1. Timely news. As you know, we keep an eye out for these news stories so you don’t have to. We want you to be informed and horrified at the same time. While we do know that a zombie apocalypse can’t really happen, this sort of news story is disconcerting to say the least. A teenager in Oregon has been diagnosed with Bubonic plague. Yep. She contracted it from a flea bite while camping. You can see right there where things went south. We don’t know how many times we need to tell you people to stay in the house. Bad things happen in the wilderness.

2. Timely fruit. Yes pumpkins are fruit. We’re not going to get into the ins and outs of why. That’s a sex ed question for another day. You’re just going to have to trust us because we read it on the internet and they can’t put it on the internet if it isn’t true. That’s not even what’s interesting about pumpkins. Honestly who cares if they’re fruits or vegetables. They’re only good when they’re pie anyway. The most important thing to know is that pumpkins also come in BLUE! Have you ever seen anything quite so nifty? Like those purple carrots. Remember those? And the black chickens? There’s a whole host of magical food we don’t even know about. Thank goodness for the internet – a regular font of knowledge right there.

3. A newly canonized saint. One of these days the Sisters are going to officially form our church – mostly for tax purposes – and this woman is going to be one of our first patron saints. Meet Doris Payne. She looks like a lovely woman – sweet, grandmotherly, full of interesting stories – except that all of her best stories involve the fact that she’s an internationally wanted jewel thief. Her world wide swath of heists has been ongoing since the 1950s. She’s 85 years-old and remains busy. She’s most well known for stealing a 10 1/2 carat diamond in Monte Carlo and a 33,000 diamond studded ring in Charlotte, NC. She was nabbed this week for shoplifting a pair of $690 Dior earrings from the Saks in Atlanta. The police had no idea who’d they’d caught at first. Maybe the Sisters would be bad law enforcement officers because if we’d arrested her and found out about her list of warrants and the crimes for which they’re for, we’d have let her go. If you’re interested, here’s the link to the documentary made about her in 2013.

4. Best excuse ever. Joyce Kingsley was innocently sitting in her house when she heard a giant KABOOM! She thought it was the world’s loudest thunder clap, but it turns out she was way off. What actually happened is that someone lost control of their Mustang on a hill, went through several bushes and trees, even a fence, before landing on her roof in a very thrilling Dukes of Hazzard move. That’s pretty exciting, eh? How do you suppose they’re going to get that stupid car off there? I say they make them drive it backwards. The driver of the Mustang was treated for low blood sugar. Really. That’s the excuse they were going with and apparently the police bought it. Remember that if you’re ever driving through Woodhull Township, Michigan. Maybe they were just happy someone was driving a domestic automobile. We’re using that excuse when we get in trouble in China for touching the pandas. “So sorry. We have low blood sugar.”

5. Where does one get eye of newt? A judge just granted a witch a protective order from a harasser who just happened to be a warlock. This happened in Salem, Mass this week because of course it did. He’s charged with making “incessant phone calls at night and humiliating her on Facebook.” Maybe she doesn’t know how Facebook works. We’re pretty sure that’s what social media was designed for. Anyway, Warlock Christian Day is no longer allowed to pester Witch Priestess Lori Sforza. Our question remains, if she’s a “witch priestess” why doesn’t she just cast a spell on the guy? Make his nose grow or have his feet fall off. Maybe we don’t understand witchcraft or something, but we don’t see the point of being a witch if you don’t get to hex people now and then. We have a long, long list. It’s probably best we don’t understand it after all. Nothing good could come of it.