January 8

The Sisters took a nice long break from The Five Thing That Kept Us From Slitting Our Wrists This Week. It’s because Christmas and New Years fell on Fridays and our innate laziness keeps us from posting on holidays. And sometimes you just need a wee vacation. Our holidays were nice and not too hectic. We hope you had the same luxury. Did you make any resolutions for the new year? We made a few–mostly they involve animals and trying to obtain them without a) getting divorced and b) going to prison. The year is early, yet. Who knows what kind of shenanigans we can get up to.  We assembled some things for your amusement and ours. Enjoy.

1. A potential candidate. We love how we’re always finding new animals — adorable animals — that we never knew existed. That seems kind of crazy, doesn’t it? The prehensile porcupine comes immediately to mind. So anyway, we found the aardwolf – an adorable beastie with a name similar to aardvark only way cuter. They’re freaking adorable, right? They don’t get very big, only about 20 pounds when fully grown. That’s relatively small when you consider Jojo Kitty is 16 pounds. Here’s the best part–well after that adorable ruff on its back and the fact that it can rotate its ears–is that they eat bugs. Termites especially. It’s going to be so easy to feed this one. We’re adding South Africa on to our travel itinerary in 2016.

2. NOT a potential candidate. Now this one we can go an entire lifetime without seeing in person. Holy shit look at this thing. It’s a new species of shark they found in the Pacific Ocean and named Etmopterus benchleyi after Peter Benchley, the author of Jaws, but they call it a Black Ninja Lanternshark. This is just one more reason we Do Not go outside. Good god. To make matters even worse, it glows in the dark. WTF? Why be solid black if you’re going to then go and waste all that energy on glowing? We don’t get it. Doesn’t matter; odds are we’d never see it because it lives more than a mile beneath the surface. It’s teeth are tiny, and sharp, and nearly translucent. Ummm…no.

NOT the real sapphire

3. We like round, blue things. Take for instance this star blue sapphire. It’s purported to be the largest in the world weighing in at 1,404.49 carats. The current owner from Sri Lanka wants $300 million for it. We think that sounds reasonable. Seriously, the thing is as big as the man’s palm. It would nestle nicely in a tiara we’re looking to commission. We’re going to start practicing walking with better posture – that can be a resolution.

4. Setting the bar pretty high. There was a hullabaloo at the Walmart. A 25-year-old man proposed to his 20-year-old girlfriend there. Yes, at the Walmart, right in front of the employees and other shoppers. Sadly that same night the fellow was arrested for shoplifting. What do you abscond with on the night of your engagement? An edible thong and a sex toy of

This would never have happened under the Aqua Net regime.

course. What did you steal after your engagement? Good news, though. It was confirmed that the fellow actually paid the $29 for the Walmart engagement ring.

5. All praise the Aqua Net! We were children of the 80’s. We have a fine appreciation for good hairspray. Apparently, so does Donald Trump. He was just quoted bitching about the state of hairspray, saying “they” are making him use pump hairspray instead of aerosol’s that have chlorofluorocarbons that harm the environment. There is no explanation for who “they” are, but clearly they have excellent senses of humor. Has no one bothered to tell Mr. Trump that there haven’t been chlorofluorocarbons in hairspray since the late ’70’s? Still, he’s using the pump ones that, “come out in big globs, right? And it’s stuck in your hair, and you say, ‘Oh my God, I got to take a shower again, my hair’s all screwed up,’ right? I want to use hairspray.” So is that seriously the real story behind that hideous mop on his head? It’s all due to the hairspray situation? We’d really like to shake the hands of “They” because they’re perpetrating one of the biggest long cons in history.