January 15

Well, hasn’t this week been a kick in the ass? We’re pretty sure that no more people we love need to die this year. Surely the quota has been met. So we wallowed and whined and moaned. We laughed too, but they were tears from a clown. Or something like that. Anyway, the Quill Sisters respectfully ask you to take good care of yourself. It seems the best plan is not to turn 69. Just ignore that age. Go from 68 right to 70. Because we love you, we’ve done some serious research on the internet to find you five funny things this week. Read on and it’ll boost your spirits. Well, it won’t make them worse. We promise.

1. Someone who clearly avoided the curse of 68+1. This took place in Maryland. An 87-year-old fellow answered his door to a stranger. The guy at the door said there was a problem with the old guy’s well and it needed to be checked. The old guy wasn’t falling for that nonsense. This old dude reminds us of our dad – cantankerous. At this point, we imagine he old guy told the stranger to get off his lawn. Sadly, the stranger ratcheted up the encounter and pulled the old man to the ground whereupon our hero bit him. Now here comes the best part. The old man has a kick-ass wife who then showed up to save the day by punching the bad guy in the head. And there you have it. Don’t mess with old ladies.

2. It look us 350+ to get a decent one. Donald “Chip” Pugh has gotten himself in considerable trouble. Enough trouble to necessitate a mug shot. We’re not sure if he was just in a foul mood at the time, although that would be reasonable considering a mug shot usually happens after an arrest, but he was very unhappy with the one the police in Ohio were using. He disliked it so much that he actually sent the police a selfie and asked them to use it instead. This time, he was wearing a sport coat and sunglasses. “Here is a better photo,” he said. “That one is terrible.” We agree.

3. We want the fuzzy kind not the slick kind. If you haven’t seen the video yet, you need to hop on over to the Facebook page for the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Last month a wild California sea otter swam into their tide pool and hung around. The employees were concerned that she might be injured, but then she popped out a baby! Honest to Zeus, this may be the cutest otter in the history of otters and that is a long and illustrious history, my friends. We have boomeranged sea otters to the very top of the list of Animals the Sisters Must Possess. We’ve always known they were cute, but HOLY MOLEY. The way this baby floats around on his momma’s belly and she lifts him up for little kisses… Melted hearts.

4. If we’d won the lottery… You’ve probably heard that the Playboy Mansion is for sale. It’s listed for 200 million dollars. That seems like a hell of a lot for a fixer-upper, in our humble opinions. We’ll be the first to admit, we’ve not been in the Playboy Mansion but we imagine the interior decorating is atrocious. We picture a whole lot of crushed velvet and leopard prints. We did some internet searches and found this picture. Sweet Jesus. Nevertheless, we’d consider buying it if we won that 1.5 billion dollars solely because of the famed grotto at the pool. That’s the perfect place to keep otters. Apparently, if you buy the place, you have to let Hugh live in the apartment over the garage. Alright, fine, but we’re going to need him to make some room for the otter chow. Amazon is delivering it, two-day shipping.

5. A new career path. We found new jobs. We’re moving to Virginia next week. There’s probably several more openings, so feel free to apply yourself. Caromont Farms is hiring baby goat cuddlers. Squeeee! They’re expecting about 90 kids in mid-February and they will need to be fed four times a day and cuddled. Apparently, all this love and attention helps them grow into strong goats who make good cheese. We LOVE goat cheese – especially with blueberries and walnuts. We were excited about this prospect until we read the last part. Then we went certifiably over the edge. One of the goat cuddler duties will be, “dressing them in small goat-sized sweaters that need to be worn on the regular to ensure they stay warm.” That’s right WE GET TO DRESS THE GOATS!! We don’t even need to get paid; we’d do this for free.